I go through these cycles with food where I think: I am an addict. I have learned this in therapy and I have to deal with my relationship with food accordingly. I can not casually let myself “eat normally” like a non-food addict because it backslides into gluttonous binges of full cakes in my car. On paper I know that until I fix some of the underlying issues I can’t be “normal” with food.
But then I have a few good weeks of “normal” eating where I have candy or cookies or ice cream or french fries or potato chips periodically and rarely and nothing bad happens and I don’t end up sick from binging and I think: I DID IT! I AM A NORMAL EATER!
And then I spend a week eating nothing but Ben&Jerry’s and Pizza comprising 6,000 calorie days and I remember: OH YEAH, I AM AN ADDICT. I can’t do normal.
I know that all addicts go through these cycles where they think they can just be reasonable and have that one beer with dinner like everyone else and they do and it’s fine and they’re like: I AM CURED! And then one blackout drunk night later they’re like: Shit. That’s right. I can’t do that.
I learned through therapy that food addicts are a little different because we can’t just not eat so I know that the goal is to have a “normal” relationship with food but I also know I AM NOT THERE YET and I don’t know if I will ever be and I NEED TO QUIT FOOLING MYSELF.
Full Disclosure: I am currently curled up on the couch with a terrible tummy ache from last night’s binge of something called “pumpkin bars” from the Publix bakery which I could not eat JUST ONE so I had to eat FIVE and I already was full from a REALLY large dinner and a day of Halloween Candy and…well…you get the point. This is yet another rock bottom where I sit facing the physical punishment of my gluttony and have to remember…AGAIN…Oh yeah, I’m still an addict, I can’t do anything in moderation it seems.
I just hate THINKING about food all the time but as my therapist said one day: You can’t just flip a switch and become someone who doesn’t think about food all the time. It takes time and effort to work on the underlying causes of this dependency on food and while you are putting in that time and effort YOU STILL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT FOOD.
And I just want it to be a switch. And when I have a few weeks of “normal” and it goes well I think: See! It was just a switch! No big deal! And I think because I haven’t been going to therapy lately because I’ve been struggling with this next phase of my mental health and finding the right therapist for this moment; I’ve kinda lost those reminders that this is something that needs attention and maintenance.
SO! Today I’m going to just remember that I have to think about food because that’s where I am in my journey right now and that I need to find a good therapist to help me with this specific problem and I need to quit putting that important step off. And I need to remember that right now, I have to avoid the trigger foods. PERIOD. I am not cured. (Yet?) I am not normal. (Yet?) And so those foods that send me into spirals need to stay off the table. LITERALLY. For now.
The week of Halloween is a good time for this, right?