My Ugliest Habit
I have a very ugly habit that I’m trying to break: Rolling my eyes.
I used to rely on it periodically for private release of stress in a situation where I couldn’t/shouldn’t say what I wanted to say, or I would use it for comedic effect. But now? Now I use it for EVERYTHING. Mainly? With my husband and my children. AND IT IS SUCH A TERRIBLE HABIT.
Oh…and you better BELIEVE if any of THEM roll their eyes at ME that they will NOT HEAR THE END OF IT.
It started with Wes at first when he wold throw a tantrum. And that felt kind warranted back then because his tantrums were 12s on a 1-10 scale and sometimes an eye-roll was what I needed. But then I started doing it when Nikki would give me typical tween attitude/drama and that started to feel a little uglier because – what kind of message was that giving her? That her attitude was unacceptable but mine was fine?
But then I caught myself doing it to to my HUSBAND and that was when I realized I was relying on that response TOO MUCH.
It really is such an ugly response to anything. I was MY ugly response when I used to do it when I left a room and no one else saw but now I’m doing it AT people BECAUSE I know it’s shitty and in that moment I want to be shitty and y’all…I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT PARENT.
So I told myself I was going to stop! And you know what? It’s so deeply ingrained in my response tool chest that it has proven to be almost 100% impossible. I mean, I’m SO EMBARRASSED by how hard of a habit it has been to break because I now see how much I actually do it and it is ALL THE DAMN TIME. Other times I now realize I do it? When I’m listening to the news. When I walk by a beautiful woman dressed to the nines. (That’s my insecurity rolling my eyes in those moments.) When I see a bumper sticker that says, “I own guns and I’m not afraid to use them.” And sometimes the ATTITUDE that comes along with the eye-roll is understandable. I mean, that bumper sticker is TO ME what the problem is with gun culture. But most of the time it’s a terribly cheap and immediate response and to me, deep down inside, NO HUMAN DESERVES AN EYE-ROLL.
I mean, I know that on a “When All Else Fails, Be Kind” level. But jeezus…when my kid complains about something for the 14th time today, something only a middle class white kid would complain about? I HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME THINKING ABOUT KINDNESS.
It’s going to be a long road because I’m just now realizing how often I do it and how often it’s involuntary. Like a REFLEX if someone goes to punch you…I just roll my eyes like an automatic response to things now and THAT IS A SERIOUSLY UGLY HABIT. So breaking it is going to take time, I have painfully discovered.
What about you? Do you think this is any ugly habit? Have you ever tried to break it? I equate it to if someone tried to stop cursing. Sometimes the words just come out and you don’t even think about it because you do it all the time. THAT IS ME WITH EYE-ROLLING.
It’s going to be a long road but I think I’ll feel better at the end of it.