It’s A Stream of Consciousness Kind Of Morning

I’ve had four bad days. I don’t know how the bad days start, but I know they’re bad days when I stop logging my food and start eating all of the burritos.

(It’s the tagline for my new show: Real World: Food Addicts Anonymous)

While I know it’s a bad day if I binge eat, but it’s not always just the binge eating that makes it bad. There was some monumentally bad parenting that happened yesterday. And I haven’t run or swam or done anything in three days. And while I conquered some hella difficult coding challenge last week, I found myself stumbling on stupid stuff this week at work, making me feel like the dumbest web developer in all the lands.

So, bad days have LOTS of bad things, not just the Staring At The Fridge And Eating My Weight In Peanut Butter.

I told myself as I fell asleep last night: Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day.

But I do that a lot, and the bad days still happen, so I’m not sure why I keep doing it. I think I need to work on saying it during the bad day and not only the night before.

And when I say “monumentally bad parenting” I mean it quite literally. In historical timeline and tourism spots of bad parenting, my behavior in the last few days would be the Devil’s Tower or the Mount Rushmore of bad parenting. Not something so phenomenal people set aside chunks of their life to visit, but definitely worth a detour out of your way for a visit if your within a couple hundred miles or so.

I’m kinda mortified by my behavior and am contemplating calling a child psychologist just to make them appointments where they can talk about how much of an ass I am.

But today! Today will be a good day!

Except Wes woke up in the middle of the night again, meaning I’m still quite behind on sleep, and I am THE WORST when my sleep is not what it should be. So, you know, fingers crossed there.

This is also the first week of school (this is the part of the blog entry where I defend myself) so my schedule is off and I’m just completely out of sorts trying to readjust. As are the kids as they’re still wanting to stay up late but having to get up early.

But I did stumble upon some awesomeness from yesterday’s entry. This article which talks about how people like me aren’t really suited for using the word “atheist,” which focuses on what’s missing in our lives, because – spiritually – there’s always so much more. I also was introducde to Episcopalian Bishop John Spong who seems wonderful and I was reminded of Rob Bell who I had stumbled upon via some podcasts recently.

There was also this article in Salon, but while some of it was great, I hated other parts. “God is not exactly welcome in our home” being the main one. I don’t like that attitude. I also don’t like that she spoke about “forgiving” people who might have pushed religion on her but in VERY benign ways. I feel like she needs to walk in my daughter’s shoes a bit, be told she’s going to hell as the center of a joke with friends at school. And even that is benign. What about being murdered in a town square for being different? No. I don’t need to “forgive” people who simply living a religious life around me. I’m not going to be that dramatic. That’s just me accepting that people are different and those differences might cross my life but I’m not going to focus on the dogma but on the spirit. If someone gives me a religious gift, I accept it in the spirit it was intended, I don’t say I need to “forgive” them.

ANYWAY…

So, where was I? Yeah. Great thought-provoking stuff from yesterday. Thanks guys.

Also? I’m totally going to have a good day today. I’m going to run this morning. As long of a run as I can muster in the allotted window given to me by my husband’s schedule. I’m going to listen to some podcasts that make me laugh/think (my favorite kind) and I’m going to try not to binge eat sweet potato fries. I’m going to count to 10 before yelling at my kids (even if they did just intentionally spit on my bedroom floor) and I’m going to not forget the awesome work I did on my job last week even if I got stuck by something stupid this week.

And I’m going to continue this positive attitude all day. It’s not good enough to say it the night before and hope it sticks. If I don’t keep the right frame of mind all day, it goes downhill SUPER fast around here and I knock people down on the sidelines as I fall. Those people are often my children, who don’t deserve to be caught in the wreckage of my bad day.

BLURGH. Thanks for letting me ramble non-stop.

3 Comments

  • Cara

    Aw, Zoot. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I find it hard to believe your parenting was really that bad, but even if it was you do lots of great parenting that shouldn’t be forgotten either. We’ve all had days we wish we could take back.

    Try to be gentle with yourself today. The last four days sound like a great example of how impossible it is to take care of others when you’re depleted. I know work is stressing you out, but maybe take an hour off to nap or rest while the kids are at school? I’ll be thinking of you.