In Lieu of Planning
For someone who swears by her bullet journal, planning life has been very difficult in the months I’ve been living between two states. To manage my anxiety, planning is key, and so when my life suddenly got crazier dividing my time between Knoxville and Tennessee you would THINK I would have leaned heavily on my bullet journal as a crutch. However, due to the chaos of driving and being away from home a lot, I haven’t really incorporated “bullet journaling” into any sort of normal routine and so I’m doing a lot of stuff simply using my calendar and text messages to myself and let me just tell you: IT IS NOT AS EFFICIENT.
Part of the problem is every week is different. I have to take Mom to work 3 days a week so I have to be in Knoxville AT LEAST 3 days. However, we have to figure out her doctor’s appointments and her hair/nail appointments too and since her work is being so accommodating we can’t really do that stuff during work hours so often I plan to stay over on a Saturday or I plan an extra day in the week to try to get that stuff done too. And then there’s the fact that I have stuff in Huntsville I have to work around so sometimes I can’t do my Knoxville trips in one stretch. Sometimes I come up for two days, go back for one day, and then back up for another two days.
Every week is different.
And sometimes I try to plan for a very specific week, and it’s like someone drops a bomb into my plans. Like this week when I finally brought my kids with me so they could visit with Mom some before school started. I was supposed to last week but they had obligations that popped up in Huntsville. I was going to take them to the drive-in theater! But it turns out it’s only open on the weekends. And then I was going to take Nyoka to see a movie that isn’t coming to Huntsville but it turns out it doesn’t come out until Thursday night and we’ll be gone. Then my Mom’s dog needed to go to the vet and that was a lot of unplanned chaos and then my Mom got sick and had to miss work and that was another unplanned element. And then the weather sucked and also the three of us are crammed into one spare bedroom where the foldout couch takes up all of the floor space and so no one has any privacy and it’s making every grumpy so suddenly I have to plan activities giving the kids time APART so essentially this trip is going to end and I’ll have done NOTHING I had planned.
I’m trying to be kind to myself and reminding myself that THINGS ARE REALLY CRAZY RIGHT NOW. I’m not really mad at myself for being terrible at planning, I’m just wishing I could manage the chaos better right now because I know part of my recent waves of insomnia is due to the chaos of feeling like I’m dropping balls constantly (I just resigned from two volunteer positions in Huntsville) or that I can’t even get them in the air sometimes. It’s not like I’m saying, “Jeezus, Kim…be a better planner!” I’m saying, “I wish I could be a better planner so it wouldn’t feel like life was so chaotic right now.”
We had to do school supply shopping here in Knoxville because I didn’t squeeze it in my last trip home to Huntsville. I mean, that’s one simple task that proved to be difficult simply because of timing and geography. AND THAT IS MY FAVORITE THING TO DO! SCHOOL SUPPLY SHOPPING! You know when school supply shopping feels like a burden that things are not quite balanced in my life.
I’m not sure if the kids starting back to school is going to make it harder or easier to plan. Swim meets were challenging because they were on Wednesdays. But school comes with it’s share of insanity, we’re going to be rolling into town tomorrow in time to go to two school orientations.
I mean, I’m basically managing two families and their entire week in 3 or 4 days. Donnie has taken a lot of the burden, missing work even sometimes to get Nyoka to and from babysitting classes or taking care of Wes when Nyoka was in Colorado. But, you know, he kinda has an important job that is kinda important in paying our bills so there’s only so much he can do. It’s just a lot of chaos and I’m not sure there IS a way to plan right now. I think right not it’s just about survival. At least until October when Mom gets here driving privileges back. Until then I just tread water and find other ways to manage my anxiety (hopefully HEALTHY ways) and lament how much I’ll enjoy going back to planning for just ONE family with my lovely bullet journal.