If These Dogs Could Speak…

So, we’ve been getting to know each other for awhile now, havent we? Well – I feel like I have been hiding some of my darker sides from you. It felt so good to come clean about my dislike of Seinfeld, I thought maybe I could unload my other secrets here. You see, since I was raised Catholic, I was taught that I am supposed to confess my sins to get to heaven. Well, I am not practicing anymore (why practice? I’m a professional! Ba Da Bomp! Thank you, I’ll be here all week), so what do I do with my sins now? I post them as an entry of course! So – I shall unload my complexes on you – my innocent reader – and hope it gets me into Blog-Heaven. Here we go with the first of what will be a long line of terrifying confessions. I will only do one at a time so as not to scare you away forever. We’ll call it – Monday’s Confessional. Feel free to join in anytime. It can be like group therapy.

This weeks confession: Donnie and I give voices to our animals. I mean – we actually talk FOR them. Yes, FOR them. You know, because they don’t speak YOUR language, so we want you to know what they are saying. We are kind like that…

For example, if Sunflower, our cat, comes to sit on your lap, we will use our Sunflower Voice and say “Um, I am sitting here so you will scratch my butt. Please scratch my butt, Thank you”. If someone comes over and asks why Cisco, our dog, is shaking, we’ll us our Cisco Voice and say “I have a nervous condition, it makes me shake. It doesnt mean you scare me, I promise I do love you and I will be happy if you scratch my butt”. Each of our animals has their own voice (AND an affinity for butt scratching). We rarely stray from those voices, because it becomes a BIG problem if we do.

There is always the argument we have when we disagree over how a certain animal sounds. MrZ and I are very proud of our ability to speak FOR animals. So much so, that we were disappointed with the movie Cats and Dogs because we thought we could have TOTALLY created better dialogs AND more suitable voices for the animals. E (who has shown tendencies to give animal voices as well) has seen Good Boy and says it is much better, but we’ll be the final judge of that. This is a conversation/argument we had regarding a dog from the neighborhood, Stella, and what voice would be appropriate for her.

D as Stella the Old Man: Oh, that feels good, scratch my back.

Me as Myself: What was that? Stella doesn’t sound like an old man, she’s a GIRL.

Me as Stella the Young Dignified Lady: See, I don’t talk like THAT you silly man, I am an elegant young lady.

D as Himself: Oh no way. She does NOT talk like a young lady. Not with that overbite. You cant be dignified with an overbite, who are you kidding? Plus – she’s old.

D as Stella the Old Man: See here Missy…I do TO talk like this.

Me as Myself: Okay, she is old, but she is still a SHE, not a HE.

D as Stella, the Old Lady Character from MAD TV: Honey…is this more what you mean?

Me as Myself: Oh, now THAT is a Stella voice. Perfect.

See, this not only is this a confession, but it is also a warning, in case you ever come by our home. Don’t be surprised if we try to start up a conversation between you and Bambi, our cat. We dont like to leave out our animals simply because they cant speak our language. We know them well enough that we feel we can translate for them, so please respond when we ask you “Please scratch behind my ears” using the Bambi Voice. Or, please say “yes” if we ask “Would you like to see my tricks?” using the Cisco Voice. And know that we ARE talking for the animals and not for ourselves- we don’t have any tricks. Now – if I ask for a foot rub? Thats ME talking, not one of my pets, no matter what voice I’m using. Please oblige.

Be forewarned, it I come to your home, I will also being talking for any animal that lives at your house. Sometimes – I even talk for small babies, who are also unable to speak for themselves. Please forgive me in advance when I use my generic baby voice and say “I’m making a BIG Poopy for you Mommy” when your tiny baby scrunches her face. Understand that I am not trying to be disrespectful, I just cant help myself. Its a disease.

Honestly? I don’t even really have to know you OR your animals. I was at the park with my Dad and E once, we were tossing the football, just chatting. This gentleman and his cocker spaniel walked by us. Well, of course the poor dog wanted to play ball too, so he ran away from his owner and came to where we were. He was wiggling and waggling and whatever you call what dogs do when they are excited. What happened next indicates how bad my problem is.

Me as Myself: Well hello there sweet puppy. (casual look to see if this is a boy or girl puppy), aren’t you such a beautiful puppy! (I would have said Handsome had it been a boy, I never like to insult a dogs manhood by calling him pretty, I’m considerate like that).

Me as The Unknown, but VERY Excited Cocker Spaniel: Hi! Thank you for petting me, but what I really want to do is play ball, can I play ball, Can I? Can I? Please!!

Me as Myself: I’m sorry, I think your Daddy probably wants you to stay with him.

I then look up at the previously mentioned “Daddy” and see that he is looking at me with a fear in his eyes that indicates he thinks I may begin twitching and drooling any minute, so he should get his dog and run before the guys with the straight jacket comes to take me back to my “room”. I stopped petting his dog and look over at my Dad who looks more embarrassed at that moment, watching his 28 yr old daughter play BOTH parts of a conversation between herself and a dog, than he did the day I tripped over the finish line at a City Wide track meet in high school.

Do you see? It is a severe problem. I seek solace in knowing my husband suffers from the same disease, but truthfully? It probably just explains why no one ever accepts our dinner invitations. Of course, it may be because when I call to invite them, I am using my Nervous Cisco voice…