I Really Need You.

One month ago I took a home pregnancy test that turned up positive. I couldn’t talk about it here because – different since the last time I was pregnant – a lot of regular, real world people read my blog and I didn’t want to have to worry when/if we miscarried about spreading the bad news. My real world peer group is not as privy to my tendency to spontaneously miscarry as you guys are. Only because I stopped introducing myself as, “Kim…the girl with the shitty uterus.”

The next four weeks KILLED ME. I wanted to tell you guys so bad. I wanted to celebrate my good blood work and commiserate about the phantom cramps. I wanted to brag on myself for running 20 miles while pregnant, I wanted to cry when I was scared of another miscarriage. I HATED NOT HAVING YOU GUYS THERE WITH ME like the other times. I told Donnie at least 20 times in those four weeks, “Not being able to blog about this is KILLING ME.”

Then, Sunday, I started bleeding bright, red blood. We had a house full of company for family dinner and I hid in the bedroom crying and asking Twitter for mysterious support.

The bleeding subsided. I had an ultrasound today and I saw the heartbeat! Unfortunately – there’s also evidence of another subchorionic hematoma. Which I had with Nikki, if you’ll remember correctly. The doctor feels like things look good…everything looks sealed up and healing…and my bleeding has stopped. BUT…we are still only cautiously optimistic.

I’m back on progesterone and I’m off running for a week. I’m telling you guys now because I can’t go through this without blogging my stress. I really thought the ultrasound would show a dead fetus, so the heartbeat made me bawl my eyes out. The technician was like, “You’re not out of the woods yet…” “I know,” I said, “but just seeing that heartbeat…it gives me hope.” But, I’m still terrified and still over-analyzing ever tiny phantom cramp I’m having. I’m overeating to cope with stress because I can’t have my nightly beer. I’m crying every time Wes pats the head of the baby brother of Nikki’s soccer teammate. I’m begging the universe: Please…Please let this happen for us.

And I can’t do that without my therapist…this blog. So I’m coming clean. I’m pregnant. About 8 weeks. It’s already been a rough ride and we’ve already cried at potential loss. We’re still not telling Nikki and Wes because they don’t understand my medical history. We told E before we told anyone else, almost. If all goes well, I’ll be producing his last musical with a giant belly and I’ll be holding a new baby at his high school graduation. Please keep your fingers crossed for us. We need all of the hope we can get.

163 Comments

  • Carrisa

    I had a feeling the other night that this was what it was about. I’m so happy you saw a heartbeat. Lots of love and prayers and warm and fuzzies coming your way. Love you.

  • Sheila

    Congratulations! I know you are cautiously optimistic and that makes a lot of sense. But I would like to volunteer to be just plain excited for you! This is such great news!

  • junkie

    oh, my girl…my heart is bursting! i just said this on instagram, but i’ll say it here, too…ALL THE GOOD VIBES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD are being sent your way!!!

    love, love, love you so…ALL of you…and will be here every step of the way in WHATEVER way you need!

    xoxoxo

  • Habbala

    I’m crying FOR you. I am so happy for you and so “cautiously optimistic”. I am not a prayer– but I hope with all of my being that you will have a little one in your arms when E graduates high school in June.

  • kimblahs

    I am sending every once of positive energy your way and keeping my fingers/toes firmly crossed that everything ends up well and I get to watch another one of your beautiful kids grow on this blog.

  • Cara

    Oh Zoot, I know you live with a cloud well, well in to your pregnancies, but Congratulations and Yeah! And lots of muttered positive thoughts will be headed your way over the next months. I thought you guys were done. This is so exciting!

  • Ashley

    Yay! This is so exciting! I was just thinking about if you were going to try for another kid. I’m so happy for you, and I will be keeping you and baby Zoot in my thoughts.

  • Karen

    I am so excited for you… (and anxious with you). Praying that all resolves itself and you will have that precious one to hold at E’s graduation. Listen to your doctor and your body. And let me know if I can do anything to help out.

  • Lindsey

    Squeee. I would totally stress eat if I were you too! Congrats on making it this far without the blog for therapy. I wish you all the best!

  • Allison

    I was crying as I read this. My husband just looked at me like I was crazy for being so happy for someone I have never met, I am so happy for your whole family! My fingers and toes would be crossed, but you don’t need it. Everything will go splendidly; I just know it! Congratulations!!

  • Cass

    I am sitting here in tears for you – I am SO happy πŸ™‚ and I will be thinking, sending good energy and praying that this picture of you with a big belly at the musical happens and graduation has you with this perfect little zoot.

  • Theresa

    OMG I am do happy for you guys! I am in almost the exact same boat as you also…7 weeks 5 days pregnant with a due date of April 19 2013. I am also cautiously optimistic. This wil be my third, and my husband and my first together. I will be following your blog closely (I already do anyway) and will plan on being pregnancy buddies with you! (or is that creepy? If so, forget I said that!)

    • zoot

      I think my due date is April 17th! It’s still “tentative” b/c I have an irregular cycle so they won’t give me a final due date until the 10-12 week mark I think.

      And I welcome pregnancy buddies. I hope we both see babies at the end of this!!!!

  • Denise

    I am a long-time lurker (and by long-time, I mean that I remember when you were pregnant with Nikki), but I had to take this opportunity to send you my best wishes. You guys will be in my thoughts and I will send good vibes out into the universe for you!

  • Curly Girl

    I’ve only been reading for a couple of years (and just jumped on the twitter bandwagon not too long ago) but when I saw the tweets the other night, I just felt so worried and concerned. Usually, even in the midst of challenges, you have optimism. I was convinced that either someone had told a horrible, offensive joke straight to your face that was very personal, or that your uterus was maybe falling out of your body somehow.

    One the one hand, yay that you’re uterus isn’t falling out! On the other hand, many fingers crossed and good vibes for you, Donnie, and the kids as you navigate whatever comes the next few weeks (and months!!!). You are such a strong, positive, uplifiting person in so many of your posts, I hope that we can repay some of that positivity your way.

    • zoot

      Thank you so much!!! We hadn’t told our parents yet and while they don’t read twitter, I didn’t feel right unloading until they knew, just in case.

      Thank you for the kind words!

  • Bren

    My fingers and toes are crossed for you! I am sending all positive vibes your way and am being cautiously optimistic as hard as I can!

  • Melissa

    So (cautiously) excited for you. I wish you a smooth happy pregnancy. I didn’t start reading until Wes was born (when he was AndyZ), so I didn’t know that much about your struggles. I have everything crossed!

  • Jen

    Ahhh!! SOOOO Happy for you!! I just had my 2nd son two months ago….after battling with infertility for 2 years. I already want to start trying again for our third because who knows how long it will take. I will be sending very good thoughts your way!!!!!

  • Hannah Stegen

    Oh my word. This is so amazing. I’m praying for you and your little one!! Do you know the due date yet? I know you have the thoughts and prayers of the Stegen household right now!

  • Aly

    Long time lurker (like you were trying to get pg with nikki!!!) but i have to say that i am in tears for you. Sending good thoughts your way and a very cautious HOORAY(also squeeeeeeee and ZOMG). Hugs to you and yours!

    • Juliana

      Kim, i am sending this little baby lots of positive thoughts. i am also 8 weeks pregnant and I am often freaking out for the smallest things, I can only imagine how worried you might be with all of this going on. I admired your courage for sharing your story, heck I havent even told my parents about baby!

  • Amy

    YAYYYYYYY!!!!!! So happy for you guys. I’m a long-time reader, but rarely comment. Sending prayers, good vibes, and happt thoughts your way. It will be okay. It will.

  • Amy

    Um, that was supposed to say happy thoughts. I don’t know what happt thoughts are, but hey, if they help, I’ll send those too!

  • Nicole P.

    I too am a long time lurker and infrequent commenter. Know that even if we don’t speak up much, we are all here for you – pulling for you, praying for you and cheering you on, no matter what you need. I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a huge hug and then offer to watch the kiddos while you and Donnie have an evening out to counteract all the stress.

    • zoot

      Thank you , Nicole!!! Donnie and I are hoping to get a night out soon. I may make him take me to see Perks of Being a Wallflower in a few weeks πŸ˜‰

  • Elizabeth

    This made me get all choked up and stingy-eyed trying not to cry. As someone who’s been reading for a very long time, I am so, so happy for you! Crossing all fingers, toes, arms, legsÒ€¦ hell, I’ll even braid my hair. Sending you all the good thoughts I can.

  • KARA!

    Love you! (um, is that too weird since I read your blot all lurker-like and you don’t know me!?) Love your bloc and read it every day! You have my support and good thoughts to have a healthy pregnancy!

  • Shawna

    Sad not to be pregnant with you this time (it was fun being in sync for our last two, but we are DONE), but so, so, happy for you! Wishing you a great pregnancy and happy, healthy baby!

  • Sarah Lena

    Bryan and I cried a lot on Sunday night for you. He lived through several miscarriages in his first marriage, and the scars are still fresh. I just never want you to hurt, ever.

    We are so, so HAPPY for you. (Are you a Friends fan? You know how Phoebe craved meat during her pregnancy, so Joey went vegetarian so no animals had to die needlessly? DO YOU NEED ME TO RUN FOR YOU WHILE YOU CANNOT RUN?)

    • zoot

      DUDE. I’m just now getting to responding to this but I have several friends in NoBo right now and I keep thinking about the Phoebe/Joey thing in the same way!!! πŸ˜‰

  • Genie

    Holy crap, crossing fingers and holding breath and offering a chicken (not actually killing a chicken, but you know stopping at CostCo if you want and offering you a nice $4.99 rotisserie chicken if you’d like).

    So happy for you!

  • Genie

    Oh! And when you get huge and pregnant I totally can start catching up to your weekly mileage once I get off my ass and run more! πŸ™‚

  • Shannon

    I am thinking good thoughts and hoping for the best, Kim.

    And, aside from the seriousness of the situation…your post a little while back about why all your readers are so awesome. What about you? Running 20 miles while pregnant? That puts awesomeness to shame. Congratulations, I’ll be thinking of you.

    • Han

      I don’t think I could walk 20 miles and I’m not pregnant – running that far and while pregnant – hi fives all round to Miss Zoot – I think that’s awesomeness personified!

  • AlisonC

    Sending all the good vibes your way. xx

    (If all the good thoughts on here count for anything all will be great)

  • Elizabeth

    Congratulations and best wishes!! Hope it goes well and you get to hold your baby at E’s graduation! Look after yourself.

  • EmilysHollow

    I cam mot imagine how scary that must have been. I’m so sorry you had to go through that!! I am very cautiously thrilled for you. I hope the clot goes away quickly and no other complications arise. Good bloodwork is a good sign this, right?? Lots of crossed appendages and big virtual hugs.

  • Jamie

    Wishin and hopin and thinkin and prayin…

    You are so healthy and so strong. I’m sending all the good thoughts and vibes I have your way!

  • Jane

    Honey, you lean on us as hard as you need to. You have a whole group of people in the ‘sphere who love you and want you to be happy, even if we have never met you in person. Don’t hold back–you’ll be amazed at the kind of support you’ll get. In the words of one of my other favorite bloggers (Glennon from Momastery), “Love wins. Carry on, warrior!”

  • Holly

    Ive read your blog for so long I can’t remember how many kids you had, and this may be my first comment.
    I’m praying (I believe so it doesn’t matter if you do). You can consider it good vibes I’d it’s easier for you.
    I truly am thrilled for you πŸ™‚

    • zoot

      You’d be amazed how much this atheist believes in the power of prayer. Probably more so than a lot of religious people! I think that even if what we’re praying for doesn’t come true, the wonder love and positive energy it puts out into the universe still helps everyone that gets touched by it. Thank you so much!

  • Susan

    I’m sending you so much love and positive thoughts and prayers, Kim. And, I’m not even cautious with my excitement! And, I totally get the stress eating thing, even though it’s not usually an issue for me. Last week, a hurricane was looming over my neck of the woods, and I coped by eating Doritos in between bites of brownies with a side of gumbo. Yeah. Healthy stress relief, right there ; ) I hope the doc clears you soon for regular activity, because I imagine you’re itching to run off the stress. So, I’ll pray for that, too.

  • Elaine C.

    Did you cry reading all these comments? Cuz I just did. I don’t have anything else to add, just echoing what they said!

  • Margaret M

    Oh my gosh! I am crossing everything I can–fingers, toes, arms, legs… for you! Sending you and yours positive thoughts πŸ™‚

  • Jana Frerichs

    Congratulations!!!! Thanks for sharing. Know that lots of prayers and good thoughts are coming your way. Thinking of you!!

  • Tamara

    Ask and you shall receive right? Look at all this love and support pouring out for you…. here is a bit more! For as long as I’ve been reading I’ve been impressed with your honesty and candor about all the things that are going on for you- both happy and sad. Continue to seek the support you need and deserve, from real world and interweb communities. We are all going to be here for you always!

    I’m really very excited about the peanut- I will keep hoping and praying for all y’all Zoots

    • zoot

      Thanks, Tamara. This support is – honestly – what keeps me going on the bad days. I’ve read these comments three times now. πŸ™‚

  • Denora

    All the warm and happy thoughts I can dig up are headed your way. I’m excited for you and hope everything turns out just perfectly.

    All my best to you and the rest of the Zoots!

  • Ksmaybe

    From someone with both an sch pregnancy and a couple miscarriages in my recently exploded gynecological history, a big hug and a congratulation! I understand the cautiousness and the joy. Wishing you all of the best!

  • Michelle

    I’m so excited for you! I will send positive thoughts your way every chance I have. I can’t wait to see the graduation pictures with you and the baby.

  • Lauren

    Definitely have thoughts, prayers, crossed fingers, etc, etc directed toward your family and the expansion thereof!!!

  • Katie

    I am beyond excited for you & your family. I cried while reading your post….my husband & I are in the process of deciding to try for another baby. You & I are the same age so you are giving me hope. I keep thinking I am too old…which is nuts. Anyway, enough about me! Yay for you!!!!! I am sending ALL MANNER of good vibes & happiness your way πŸ™‚

  • Jess

    Congratulations! I am so hopeful that everything goes well. I have been following you since NikkiZ and I am so impressed at how you have handled these struggles so gracefully.

  • Nienuh

    Oooooh, i’m so happy for you! And a little jealous as well. Of course not for the worry, but another baby! That would be soooo cool! Fingers and toes crossed!

  • Anne

    Girlfriend, I am delurking. I am always inspired by you and if you’re in need of a lift, well I will do my best to do my part. I experienced the same thing with my first pregnancy – totally sure it was a miscarriage, bright red blood, then the utter shock and tears of joy seeing the heartbeat on that next visit that was scheduled “just to make sure” that it really was over. I saw a totem animal the night before that has become very special to me and my husband as a symbol that our son really was going to be okay and was meant to be here. (He’s 5 now and the best big brother you could ever freaking ask for. Seriously, my younger son lucked out to the max.) You will be in my thoughts. You rock!

    • zoot

      Thanks, Anne! It’s so great to hear stories from others who ride the same roller coaster. Thanks for the kind words!

  • Stacey

    I have my fingers, toes, eyelashes and everything crossed for you. I was worried about you and sadly this was the first time I have been able to come and look since yesterday. Good vibes coming your way!!!

  • Tabitha

    You made it until 8 weeks and with running, you got this! πŸ™‚

    If it makes you feel better, I spotted and had one days worth of brighter bleeding up until about 10-11 weeks and I am now at 17 weeks with twins. I stopped progesterone around 10-11 weeks since I got sick of it (was on the shots). I still to this day check to make sure there isn’t any bleeding, etc. Stinks to not be able to enjoy a pregnancy like “normal” people! πŸ™‚

    Anyways, I am so happy for you and its great that you have an outlet for all this. Its a hard road!

    • zoot

      I’m REALLY hoping they let me ditch the progesterone at the next visit! Thanks for the kind words and commiserating on the crazy πŸ˜‰

  • Cecelia

    I wish you could have seen the smile that broke out on my face when I read tha you are having a baby! My fingers are crossed and positive preggo thoughts are on the way to you and little baby something….and of course to Donnie and the rest of your crew.

    I can’t wait for the pictures of you at the graduation with the latest bundle of zoot joy. It will happen!

  • Procrastamom

    Everything’s crossed, I’m holding my breath and shaking my fist at the Universe, begging it to let this happen for you. I’m all in, Kim!

  • Rebecca Kohnstamm

    Oh Kim congrats! I don’t get here often anymore because of our busy schedules. I remember the days I had two babies at my feet and reading you was the highlight of my day:) I mean it’s still a highlight…just don’t get to it often enough! A comment on Facebook made me check it cause I thought you had hurt yourself running. By the way I just find that whole journey amazing and in fathomable . I miss your food entries cause I am still stuck there. How could you go and get go healthy on me? Anyways back to your wonderful news. Know you’re scared so sending love and light your way and a prayer to st Gerard whether you want it or not. Love you.

    • zoot

      Thanks, Rebecca! THat’s what I love about FB, I can still try to keep up with people like you, even if it’s crazy. Thanks for the prayers, I whole-heartedly believe in the power of prayer. Probably even more so than when I was religious. So I sincerely thank you, friend.

  • Kim

    Hey Kim, another lurker here. I’ve been reading since before Nikki and am happy for you. Holding my breath and crossing my fingers that things even out and go smoothly! You will have to post EVERY day now – 2 days will indicate bad news and I’ll be a mess!!!

    • zoot

      Thanks, Kim! I’m not good about posting on my blog on the weekends but I do at least usually haunt twitter, so if you get worried you can click the link on the sidebar to see if I’m mindlessly tweeting about Doctor Who on Saturdays πŸ˜‰

  • Sam

    I remain cautiously optimistic WITH you. Okay, really – I’m thrilled and excited. Do you know how long I’ve read you, Kim Zoot? SINCE 2004!!! I care about you and your family, obviously – so just know we’re all here for you. Sending much love your way!

  • Megan

    I’m a few days behind in my reader, so I just saw this post. And I could not be happier for you! You brought a few tears to my eyes. I’ll be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way!

  • Dinwizzle

    Holy Shit! I leave the blogosphere for a week and come back to this awesomeness!!! Well actually I read my google reader out of order and it appeared there first. (Note to self, read blogs in chronological order). This is awesome news and you have fingers crossed in Indiana and hands that can be held via the internet here as well!!!