WARNING: This entry contains VERY MUCH TMI. If you’re not in the mood for that today, then I’ll give you the gist. We had a bad night Friday. Not sure if I’m still pregnant or not. Hopefully I’ll get to the doctor sometime today. Feel free to carry on and skip the rest of the entry.
Now! For the rest of you brave souls still hanging in there…let’s get on to the nitty gritty, shall we?
So…Friday night Donnie and I went on a date to a painting class! Just as I signed my name to my GORGEOUS masterpiece (if I do say so myself) I felt that tell-tale sign of…OH SHIT…I’m either wetting my pants or hemorrhaging. (All women know this sensation…it’s the same for an unexpected period as well. It’s one of the things that ties us all together because we all know that moment where we think: I HATE BEING A WOMAN WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY SOUL.) So…I run to the bathroom and realize that – of course – I’ve not suddenly become incontinent. Nope. Much worse.
I make the spontaneous decision to leave (Donnie and I were in two different cars) because I knew one thing for certain: If I was about to miscarry this baby, I did NOT want it to happen in the bathroom of an art studio. So I whispered it Donnie’s ear, “It’s happening again.” He took one look in my eyes and knew what was going on. I told him I’d see him at home.
Here’s the thing. Bleeding during pregnancy is TERRIFYING. Especially bright red blood that pours out of you as you sit on the toilet. I AM ALWAYS TERRIFIED. However, I’ve also been here before and can think logically with at least HALF of my brain during these moments and I just kept thinking what my doctor always tells me: It’s not an emergency unless you’re saturating a pad more than once and hour. So, I went on BLOOD WATCH 2012.
I was NOT bleeding more than a pad an hour. But I was bleeding a LOT and cramping horribly. I decided I didn’t even want to sleep in bed because I was worried about being able to clean a mattress. I made a large palate on the floor instead. Which, you know, IS SO SAD. Look at me sleeping on the floor because I’m afraid I’ll miscarry on my mattress. SO SAD.
I made it through the night and I don’t THINK I miscarried. At this stage I’m 99% sure I’d not be able to miss it. But – early in the night I was bleeding quite hard every time I sat on the toilet and I was cramping so bad…I’m praying I didn’t miss anything. But it wouldn’t be too big of a surprise if I did.
I never bled more than a pad an hour. I think it took 2-3 hours through most of the night. And then the next day? SOCCER! WHEE!
We had back-to-back soccer games and I had used most of the night processing the idea of having a miscarriage. I was emotionally more stable about it. (Again: SO SAD. No one should be “okay” with having a miscarriage.) I was packing my back for the day and thinking, “Okay. If I miscarry what do I need in this bag?” Basically? I was packing for a miscarriage which is just a devastating concept. I had made an early Publix run for more powerful pads so I’d hopefully avoid any accidents. I brought a change of clothes and some ibuprofen. If I miscarried, there’d be nothing stopping me from medicating for the pain.
So I was prepared! Like a boy scout! But with more estrogen!
Long story short? Nothing happened. The bleeding subsided throughout the day.
Is this good news? Yeah. But are we celebrating? Of course not. This fetus has been through some more stress this weekend and while it might still be there, there’s no guarantee it’s still alive. And I’m not even 100% positive it’s still in there. So…we’re still very much bracing for bad news. But I’m not 100% sure it will be bad news. Like I’ve said before, I’ve miscarried on my own around 9 weeks – that time I knew for sure it was bad news. We’re not there…but I’m still not buying crib bedding yet.
I’ll call the doctor today. Of course, thanks to my one asshole doctor experience five years ago (not MY doctor, of course) I’m always paranoid someone is going to make me feel dumb for “overreacting” about bleeding during pregnancy. I mean, didn’t I just do this two weeks ago? Spend a weekend assuming I’d miscarried because of copious bleeding? They’re going to think this is just my weekend ritual now. Of course, my doctor has never made me feel that way. But because of one bad experience I’m always worried when I call about this stuff. It makes me oddly calm as I relay my news to the nurse on the phone. I have a scheduled appointment already next Monday. Will my tale from this weekend warrant an earlier checkup? Who knows. I hope so because hanging in limbo is officially making me crazy. This daily feeling of: “Am I still pregnant?” is literally making me feel like I”m losing my mind.
I had several near breakdowns this weekend. Several weird triggers (it’s never something obvious like seeing a baby or pregnant women) made me almost lose my shit in very public places. I couldn’t bring myself to put on clean clothes until Sunday night. I was distracting myself in any way possible, but also severely devastated the rest of the world wasn’t obsessing over my uterus with me. In other words? I probably would have failed any test of sanity at any point over the weekend.
So…here’s to hoping they’ll give me another ultrasound today. Just something to put me somewhere. Either anxiously pregnant, or depressingly un-pregnant. Neither of them equal complete sanity, but they’re way closer than the scary spot between the two, which is where I’m living right now.
I’ll keep you posted. Thank you for listening to WAY too much gory information about my reproductive system. You’re the best.
UPDATE: I got in for an ultrasound and we saw the heartbeat! Hematoma is bigger…so still restricted (obviously) and we go back in a week. He re-stated…some women survive full-term pregnancies and healthy babies with hematomas the entire 40 weeks. I did the right thing by calling with the surge of bright red blood. So, I was breathing easy during the ultrasound while I watched the little bugger wiggle around his beautiful heartbeat. And now I return to just anxiously pregnant. Wondering if this pregnancy will outlast my sanity. Chances are looking good as my sanity seems to be at an all-time low right now.
But YAY! for heartbeat and wiggling!