UPDATED: I Don’t Think My Body Understands The Concept of “Weekend”

The fateful painting. Good thing I love it or I might throw it away.

WARNING: This entry contains VERY MUCH TMI. If you’re not in the mood for that today, then I’ll give you the gist. We had a bad night Friday. Not sure if I’m still pregnant or not. Hopefully I’ll get to the doctor sometime today. Feel free to carry on and skip the rest of the entry.

Now! For the rest of you brave souls still hanging in there…let’s get on to the nitty gritty, shall we?

So…Friday night Donnie and I went on a date to a painting class! Just as I signed my name to my GORGEOUS masterpiece (if I do say so myself) I felt that tell-tale sign of…OH SHIT…I’m either wetting my pants or hemorrhaging. (All women know this sensation…it’s the same for an unexpected period as well. It’s one of the things that ties us all together because we all know that moment where we think: I HATE BEING A WOMAN WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY SOUL.) So…I run to the bathroom and realize that – of course – I’ve not suddenly become incontinent. Nope. Much worse.

I make the spontaneous decision to leave (Donnie and I were in two different cars) because I knew one thing for certain: If I was about to miscarry this baby, I did NOT want it to happen in the bathroom of an art studio. So I whispered it Donnie’s ear, “It’s happening again.” He took one look in my eyes and knew what was going on. I told him I’d see him at home.

Here’s the thing. Bleeding during pregnancy is TERRIFYING. Especially bright red blood that pours out of you as you sit on the toilet. I AM ALWAYS TERRIFIED. However, I’ve also been here before and can think logically with at least HALF of my brain during these moments and I just kept thinking what my doctor always tells me: It’s not an emergency unless you’re saturating a pad more than once and hour. So, I went on BLOOD WATCH 2012.

I was NOT bleeding more than a pad an hour. But I was bleeding a LOT and cramping horribly. I decided I didn’t even want to sleep in bed because I was worried about being able to clean a mattress. I made a large palate on the floor instead. Which, you know, IS SO SAD. Look at me sleeping on the floor because I’m afraid I’ll miscarry on my mattress. SO SAD.

I made it through the night and I don’t THINK I miscarried. At this stage I’m 99% sure I’d not be able to miss it. But – early in the night I was bleeding quite hard every time I sat on the toilet and I was cramping so bad…I’m praying I didn’t miss anything. But it wouldn’t be too big of a surprise if I did.

I never bled more than a pad an hour. I think it took 2-3 hours through most of the night. And then the next day? SOCCER! WHEE!

We had back-to-back soccer games and I had used most of the night processing the idea of having a miscarriage. I was emotionally more stable about it. (Again: SO SAD. No one should be “okay” with having a miscarriage.) I was packing my back for the day and thinking, “Okay. If I miscarry what do I need in this bag?” Basically? I was packing for a miscarriage which is just a devastating concept. I had made an early Publix run for more powerful pads so I’d hopefully avoid any accidents. I brought a change of clothes and some ibuprofen. If I miscarried, there’d be nothing stopping me from medicating for the pain.

So I was prepared! Like a boy scout! But with more estrogen!

Long story short? Nothing happened. The bleeding subsided throughout the day.

Is this good news? Yeah. But are we celebrating? Of course not. This fetus has been through some more stress this weekend and while it might still be there, there’s no guarantee it’s still alive. And I’m not even 100% positive it’s still in there. So…we’re still very much bracing for bad news. But I’m not 100% sure it will be bad news. Like I’ve said before, I’ve miscarried on my own around 9 weeks – that time I knew for sure it was bad news. We’re not there…but I’m still not buying crib bedding yet.

I’ll call the doctor today. Of course, thanks to my one asshole doctor experience five years ago (not MY doctor, of course) I’m always paranoid someone is going to make me feel dumb for “overreacting” about bleeding during pregnancy. I mean, didn’t I just do this two weeks ago? Spend a weekend assuming I’d miscarried because of copious bleeding? They’re going to think this is just my weekend ritual now. Of course, my doctor has never made me feel that way. But because of one bad experience I’m always worried when I call about this stuff. It makes me oddly calm as I relay my news to the nurse on the phone. I have a scheduled appointment already next Monday. Will my tale from this weekend warrant an earlier checkup? Who knows. I hope so because hanging in limbo is officially making me crazy. This daily feeling of: “Am I still pregnant?” is literally making me feel like I”m losing my mind.

I had several near breakdowns this weekend. Several weird triggers (it’s never something obvious like seeing a baby or pregnant women) made me almost lose my shit in very public places. I couldn’t bring myself to put on clean clothes until Sunday night. I was distracting myself in any way possible, but also severely devastated the rest of the world wasn’t obsessing over my uterus with me. In other words? I probably would have failed any test of sanity at any point over the weekend.

So…here’s to hoping they’ll give me another ultrasound today. Just something to put me somewhere. Either anxiously pregnant, or depressingly un-pregnant. Neither of them equal complete sanity, but they’re way closer than the scary spot between the two, which is where I’m living right now.

I’ll keep you posted. Thank you for listening to WAY too much gory information about my reproductive system. You’re the best.

UPDATE: I got in for an ultrasound and we saw the heartbeat! Hematoma is bigger…so still restricted (obviously) and we go back in a week. He re-stated…some women survive full-term pregnancies and healthy babies with hematomas the entire 40 weeks. I did the right thing by calling with the surge of bright red blood. So, I was breathing easy during the ultrasound while I watched the little bugger wiggle around his beautiful heartbeat. And now I return to just anxiously pregnant. Wondering if this pregnancy will outlast my sanity. Chances are looking good as my sanity seems to be at an all-time low right now.

But YAY! for heartbeat and wiggling!

73 Comments

  • Katie

    We’ll be there for you. No matter what the news, no matter what the outcome. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. You will be on my mind all day today.

  • erin

    Wow, I miss a few postings and I REALLY missed some news! I am excited for you, even if you are still being cautious about celebrating. I’ve been there, twice, so I know that feeling. No matter what happens you’re surrounded by people who are rooting for you!

  • Rebecca Kohnstamm

    You are on my mind and in my heart. I was high risk with both and every time there was a question they would bring me in for an ultrasound. Sometimes it was twice a week.That’s their job honey. You just had an asshole of a doctor. Hang in there.

  • NMElizabeth

    I’m just a lurker who is usually to shy to comment. But I’ve been in this place and know how scary the unknown is. I hope the doctor helps (I always worry about that part too). I’ll be thinking of you and your family today.

  • Brandy

    I am so sorry you’re dealing with all this again. I am sending my very best thoughts and hope they get you in for an ultrasound today.

  • Melissa

    My gosh. You have been ont mind most of the weekend. I will pray the blood slowing is the best possible news. This kind of insanity is awful. I hope you get to a safe spot soon.

  • Emily

    You know I rarely post – but just wanted to come out of hiding and say the internet loves you and will be here for you.

  • Grace

    Coming out of the woodwork to send you some love. And hugs. And love and hugs. And a little more love and a few more hugs. Thinking of you.

  • Rachel

    Hopefully you’ll get an appt with the doctor so you can get out of limbo… What a scary place to be right now… Good luck and I’m sending you lots of positive thought.

  • EmilysHollow

    Oh, I am so sorry. This sucks SO MUCH. I am sending good vibes to you and ultrasound vibes to the doctor and strong heartbeat vibes to the baby. With X I had some very (very) light spotting early on and I called the nurse line in HYSTERICS over it. Seriously. I don’t think they could understand me through the sobbing. But I had that same feeling of “don’t give me crap for this, I’ve been here before and it sucked.” They were nice, which the other doctor was not, but I don’t think those fears ever leave you.

    Lots of hugs and any other virtual, positive sentiment I can think of.

  • Stephenie

    Sending you lovelovelove and good vibes today. Please keep us posted and you’re just not allowed to have another weekend like that. I mean it. I’ll be thinking of all things Zoot today.

  • Operation Pink Herring

    I know you know this, but I’m going to tell you again anyway: you’re not over reacting in the least. That doctor was a ridiculously incompetent, demeaning jerk. It’s totally understandable (and normal) everything you’ve experienced to feel like you’re always bracing yourself for a miscarriage. I can’t even imagine how sad and stressful that must be, but it’s TOTALLY NORMAL.

    Hang in there, Zootbaby! I so hope they give you an ultrasound today so you can be a little more at ease.

  • Jen

    Please know even if we don’t say it every time, there are a lot of people thinking of you, praying for you, and holding you in the light.

  • jobonga

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope the limbo is over soon. Sending you positive thoughts for healing and peace, no matter the outcome.

  • stephanie

    I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. That one doctor was an ASS, and I’m hoping they can fit you in and give you some answers today to put you at ease. I’m thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.

  • LizScott

    Oh, man, yes. The pragmatic acceptance point of miscarriage. When we were told this pregnancy most likely wouldn’t make it, I did the following things fairly emotionlessly: went back to my office, informed my boss I might be out the next Wednesday, rescheduled all my meetings and told everyone I would need a last minute day of PTO, went to Target, bought new (cheap) underwear and pads, and basically arranged my life for a quick out patient procedure.

    I’m sad that I’m at the point where I have specially designated miscarriage underwear, but here we are.

    I thinking of you, and hoping for the best. I’m so sorry that this is happening, and that you are in the waiting zone.

  • Jana Frerichs

    OH WOW!!! Just reading this makes me so sad for you. The anxiety must be AGONIZING! Just take each minute at a time when things get to out of control for you. I know, easier said than done. I wish I could do something to help you.

  • rebecca Kohnstamm

    Just read that you have a heartbeat! Yea!…still praying as I wait for you to update with what the doc says. I am not even going to pretend to know what your health issues are and I know you know probably everything there is to know…but do they have you on baby aspirin? I had a clotting disorder and that is what made me high risk. The perinatalist doc put me on that first time I was referred to him and that helped greatly.

  • Karen

    So glad to hear your Zootfetus is still wiggling and growing. Was getting a bit emotional until I saw the update. I am especially sensitive to mommies right now, with my daughter being 22 weeks along, and having a friend lose her little girl this past weekend (only 9 days old). My tear ducts are on hyperdrive.

    Will be keeping you in my prayers until this little one arrives safe and sound.

  • Katie

    Yay for wiggling & heartbeats!!!!!!! Whooo, boy that was a rollercoaster post to READ, I hate that you actually had to live it… Pulling for you all & the littlest Zoot. 🙂

  • Angela @ Fit Fun Mom

    So glad to hear a positive update on your post! You remain in my thoughts. And don’t ever be afraid to call the doctor. I like to look at it this way — you are a paying customer! And the customer is always right! Sometimes doctors are insensitive jerks (as all humans can be at times) but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call. Good for you for getting in today and getting the answers you needed and hoped for!

  • Dawn

    VERY glad to hear good news. Sending good thoughts and cyber hugs to you and baby Zoot! Hang in there, girl – we love you!!

  • Brandy

    Ok, you have GOT to do a separate blog post. I usually read your blog in my reader and updates don’t show up there, just new posts. :-). Glad I saw a comment on your Facebook and SO glad about the update though!!

  • Liz

    Do you have any sick time/vacation time you can use for a mental health day? If so, grab some of your trigger foods and just hang out watching t.v. and/or reading. You are really awesome!

  • Briteny

    I held my breath while reading this post and
    let it out with a sqeaul!! This baby is insanely strong
    And I’m still praying and sending well wishes your way!!

  • kimblahs

    I am still completely crossing my fingers for you. And I feel like an asshole for saying boot camp worried me last week but I’m sure you would be cautious because DUH of course you would be. I really hope the little wriggler stays strong.

  • Colleen

    I am so very glad I read this after the update. Yeah for heartbeats and wiggles!!!!!

    You are one strong lady…. packing up and heading off to soccer.

    And, your painting? Gorgeous!

  • Han

    Yay for heartbeat and wiggling!!! Yay!!!

    TMI Comment time……
    I know the unexpected feeling and it’s embarrassing and horrible. I had to speak in code to my hubby while in the zoo with my 13 year old foster son! oh my gosh thought I was going to die!!! Either that or I do a funny penguin like wiggle to the loo in the hope that it’ll some how stem it or something

  • Becca

    SO glad to see baby is doing okay! My sister had a scary-as-hell hematoma throughout her pregnancy with her son, and though the bleeding didn’t freak her out as much as it did me (I’m the recurrent miscarrier of the family, after all), he was born perfect and healthy. Really hope that hematoma GOES THE H AWAY. Hugs to you!

  • Becca

    Oh, and can I please add to call your doctor about any bleeding? Please? After all my miscarriages, I was bleeding early 2nd trimester just a tiny bit. Tiny tiny bit. I called anyway. I got an ultrasound and a swab. Beautiful baby, and a vaginal infection. Antibiotics cleared up the infection and stopped the bleeding.
    Oh, and I had only a tiny bit of brown spotting in very, very early pregnancy. Called anyway. Had progesterone level checked and it turned out that I was quite low and put on progesterone supplements. Brown spotting stopped, and baby might have been saved.
    Call. Just call. So you are worried, perhaps more than a person who hasn’t experienced a miscarriage. So what. Call anyway.

  • Kami

    Oh lord that’s scary sh!t. Hang in there you’re gonna be just fine 🙂 just yay for the ultrasound, heartbeat, and wiggle worm action!

  • Sarah in Huntsville

    Oh, I am so glad the baby is okay. So so so glad. It would be so much easier if you could just bring home your own personal ultrasound tech, someone who could do a nightly (or hourly!) scan just so you could immediately know what’s going in there whenever you start to worry. Man, that would be awesome!

    • zoot

      I actually rented a Doppler with Nikki, can you believe it? heh!

      Also – I was stalking your blog earlier (like I do whenever I find a new Huntsville blogger) and I see you went to Oak Ridge recently. I’m from Knoxville! I spent many weekends at the big huge science museum in Oak Ridge growing up. At least I remember it being big and huge…maybe it wasn’t really 🙂