Tea

Here Comes The Krazee!

TeaI’m so glad you all know! Now, brace yourself…I’m about to unload a month’s worth of anxiety onto you…(WARNING: The post crosses way over the land of TMI. Feel free to turn back now.)

I’ve not been sleeping for shit. Even though I’m freakin’ exhausted. I stay awake every night thinking about bleeding, and miscarriages, and symptoms coming and going and – basically? I’m a mess.

I’ve never gotten morning sicknesses with pregnancies. I had some nausea with E, but never puked. All of the other pregnancies since – Nada. Not one wave of queasiness. And while many of you hate me for that – it’s one of those symptoms I would love to hold on to for reassurance. BUT I CAN’T.

I had really sore boobs for a few days and then – BAM – it just stopped. WHY DID IT STOP? It’s not supposed to stop until the end of the first trimester. WHERE DID MY SORE BOOBS GO? The worst part? I’m constantly grabbing my boobs to double check. It’s become so subconscious…I don’t realize I’m doing it anymore until it’s too late. Do you how embarrassing that is? To suddenly realized you just fondled yourself in the middle of the cereal aisle in the store? IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND.

In case you’re wondering.

So, basically, I’m a huge mess. And of course – I’m overeating to cope. And I can’t even balance it out with exercise, another stress reliever, because I can’t run or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. So, I’ve gained 7lbs in the last month. This would be fine if I knew for sure I’d stay pregnant because it would just blend in with the other weight gain but all I keep thinking is – What if I’ve gained all this weight and then I miscarry? I mean – then I just become the overweight girl who likes to grab her own boobs randomly while looking like a zombie because she hasn’t slept in months.

I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL!

And let’s don’t even get started about the constant toilet-paper checking. Now that the bleeding has stopped I feel cautiously optimistic. But…BUT…that’s happened before. The pregnancy before Wes I had bleeding, went to the doctor and got an ultrasound, saw a heartbeat, was insulted by the jackass doctor who thought I was overreacting, and then a few days later I lost the baby in my bathroom in the middle of the night. That was – by far – my most traumatizing miscarriage I think. And it all started with more blood on the toilet paper. So, of course, I’m frantically checking every time I go to the bathroom. And I say a little mantra, please…no blood…please…no blood. Another one of the MANY things right now making me feel LIKE A COMPLETE NUTCASE.

So…that’s what you’ve been missing. Aren’t you glad I filled you in on everything so that you could be privy to this inspirational content you’d be otherwise missing?

36 Comments

  • Katie

    Yes, I am glad you filled us, me, in cause I’ve been missing you!
    I know your doctor may release you to go back to running and exercise,….are you worried about that? I would be. Don’t stress about eating too much. Your body will use it later on and you can eat healthier when things are more assured later on.
    Your boot camp sisters will say your safe pregnancy mantras with you. And we will take you, your fuzzy slippers in Publix, , and your boobs grabs. And be with you no matter what.

  • Lisa!!

    If your Krazee, I am too! I think about you all the time and I a little prayer for you (yes, that’s a song) but its also a very true statement!! Don’t stress about all the funny things you (we) do. I did those things without having the scare or previous experience. But when you want something so badly, you just simply do those things! We love you and are sending you lots of love, hugs, patience, rest and this lil guy inside me is sending you kicks and swishes. I’m pretty sure those are hugs and kisses! Love you bunches!! Hang in there!!!

  • melissa

    I am 8 ish weeks ahead of you and am also losing my damn mind. Does that make you feel any better? Knowing you are not the only one with toilet paper checks and evaluating all systems over and over. I get worried when I feel less crappy than I did before. My successful pregnancy crippled me with nausea for 8 months. EIGHT MONTHS. Feeling relatively not like death at 15 weeks does not reassure. It makes me feel marginally better than someone else longs for nausea as well.

    I am hoping and praying. And thinking of you often.

    Honestly? I find you so inspiring. I read your blog posts about the things you do with your kids (arts and crafts/tie dye/painting) and thought that that is exactly the mom I want to be. My parents hated messes so we never did stuff like that. I do that stuff with my 2.5 year old all the time and you often pop into my head. I sincerely hope we both get to have this fun all over again.

    Much love, M

    • Zoot

      My husband is not QUITE as embracing of the messy activities πŸ˜‰ How about yours? He tolerates it, but there are many times when he sees things like, um, the colored bricks on the side of the house where I let the kids “paint” the house with sidewalk chalk – and he wishes I was a little less embracing of the arts with the kids. πŸ™‚

      Here’s to crazy AND messy!

      • Melissa

        Here is to crazy and messy indeed! My husband was gone this weekend. We made concrete stepping stones with handprints, painted for hours, and play dohed til it dried up and crumbled. It was pretty awesome.

        He doesn’t love the messes and never offers those ideas as options when it’s just the two of them, but he will play in the mud with her and the snow. Those are not my kind of messes! Yuck!

        Good thing she has the two of us for balance. πŸ™‚

        How are you feeling this weekend?

  • Jennifer

    I totally understand the KRAZEE. I’m 32 weeks pregnant after years of trying including 2 years of fertility treatments and several miscarriages. I was a wreak my 1st trimester and also didn’t have morning sickness which freaked me out because I wanted the reassurance that everything would be ok. I bought a fetal doppler, just so I could have reassurance any time I needed it. My husband thought I was krazee. Even now I start freaking out if the baby hasn’t moved in a while. Congratulations! and I hope your 1st trimester flies by quickly and uneventfully!

  • Carrie

    aw, i just love you more and more. <3 i'm currently dealing with my own brand of crazy and i have realized in my sleep deprived state that my old enjoyment of people watching has become people staring. like i'm at target buying lint rollers and omg-those-tits-are-huge-and-3 feet away from me-and-omg-why-am-i-still-staring????

    you can do this. whatever "this" is, you can do this.

  • Heather@YSP

    Frankly, I hope you keep sharing every last detail. I tp checked EVERY time, every SINGLE time during my entire pregnancy with Evi. I also never got sick, so I had no reassurance there either. Keep checking. Keep getting as many scans as they’ll allow. I got one every two weeks.

  • melaniek

    I have tendencies to be anxious on a good day, so its no surprise that I had anxieties during pregnancy… but I hear you… I wouldnt allow myself to tell anyone I was pregnant until 12 weeks (because I was terrified if I did it would result in an immediate miscarriage —that right there is messed up), and I wouldn’t even allow myself to pregnancy test until I was “late” by at least two weeks…. and once I waited a bit longer, was just about to buy a test and had a really awful period so I am assuming I had a miscarriage but I told myself it was better to NOT know that for sure (also messed up right?). To this day I am so grateful I had my son first, because given the moments I felt with my daughter and the comparably MUCH MUCH LESS I felt with my first pregnancy I would have been a hot mess if I had known better. If it makes you feel better I never had morning sickness either and I never had sore boobs any longer than I do right before a normal period, and I had cramps ALL THE FLIPPING TIME with both pregnancies… I look at women who love pregnancy and think, how in the hell can anyone like this! One of the main reasons we stopped at two kids was because of the krazee going on in my head. Big hugs to you

    • zoot

      Yes. I am a HIGH anxiety person anyway. And that’s what running has helped me with – so now I’m in a REALLY high anxiety situation without my coping mechanism so, yeah, I’m a mess!

      And I still have cramps off and on…I do with all of my pregnancies. It’s just evil.

  • MommyAttorney

    I was at the beach last week so I missed your last post and I was SO CONFUSED when I read this morning. So, first off, congratulations!!!

    I think you aren’t crazy – you’re a totally sane mother-to-be. And I’ve felt myself up in public before for the exact same reason. I don’t know how that helps except to say… you’re not alone? We are all here to support you. One day or moment at a time.

  • Misti

    I’m in the krazee club with you. When we were TTC before DS I would all the time be feeling myself up. My son is now almost 6 and I STILL do it. I should also mention that we are not TTC, nor have any plans to. Just a wonderfully, random, pretty embarrassing in public, leftover habit. πŸ˜‰ You’re so not alone.

  • Erin

    Hey girl, go easy on yourself. It’s ok to be stressed and crazy and it’s ok to eat to feel better. In fact, I say, ENJOY THE EATING. Don’t beat yourself up over it, enjoy it. Let it calm you for a few minutes. You deserve comfort and calm in whatever ways you can get them during this time. Who cares about the 7lbs, you’re a runner! It will come off. It will all be OK. I don’t know how it will be OK, but I know it will. Hang in there!

  • Becca

    Congratulations! That’s exactly how I was with my two kids, and how I will be if we get lucky enough to have a third someday. I lost three babies and saw heartbeats with all of them. I get your crazy. You will be in my thoughts!

  • EmilysHollow

    With Xander I puked for months and months. Nothing like being so hugely pregnant that you pee while puking. This time no puking, and the crippling queasiness stopped exactly when I left the first trimester. I, too, was checking the TP every time, especially since we had quite a few chemical pregnancies this round.mi kept expecting the worst.

    Being crazy is normal. I think. You’re in good company.

    • zoot

      I do at least seek solace in knowing I’ve NEVER been sick. If I had been sick once (although I was queasy with E, not puking though) then I’d probably panic more each time I’m not sick now!

  • Snarky Mommy

    I hear ya on the toilet-paper checking. Is it weird that I still will randomly find myself doing it and I A. haven’t been pregnant in almost three years and B. my husband has a vasectomy? It’s some weird subconscious thing that happens every once in a while.

    I hope it all works out!

  • Roberta

    You’re not so crazy. Everyone is at least this crazy when pregnant. Even if we haven’t endured the trauma and sadness of miscarriages as you have. I did ALL OF THAT the first trimester this time. And into the second tri. The boob grabbing, the toilet paper, the days that I suddenly felt better or more energetic sent me into an irrational spiral of worry. I’m 23 weeks, and still having toilet paper moments, and panic over my-back-hurts-in-a-weird-way moments. Be as crazy as you want, seriously, it’s OK. And OF COURSE you feel that way, with your history. Thinking so many positive thoughts for you!

  • Valeta

    *hugs* So NOT krazee! I am 38 weeks tomorrow (with #4) and about 30 weeks ago I was the same way! Maybe not as intense because I have never had a miscarriage but I would check the toilet paper until I was out of the first trimester anyway. Because you never know!

  • Juliana

    I am already stressed from reading this post πŸ™‚ i also keep mylsef awake at night, I am 9 weeks today, I am so tired. If this makes you feel any better, my boobs hurt sooo much until week 6 and then nothing! I am sure it is normal.

  • Nan

    I am not quite 6 weeks pregnant, have had one successful pregnancy and one miscarriage. I am so with you on the morning sickness–I’ve never had it and I do find myself wishing for it for reassurance. And sometimes I go to the bathroom JUST to check the toilet paper. I also keep taking a pregnancy test every few days, just to feel better. Boobs too. So your krazee is soooo normal!

  • Wendalette

    Kim, while I don’t have the history you do, I am totally with you on the TP checking.

    (TMI alert!)

    I bled EVERY SINGLE DAY of my pregnancy from 5 weeks to the beginning of my fifth month — a threatened miscarriage, the doctors called it. After that, I had four and a half weeks of a perfect pregnancy to enjoy before my water broke and I ended up in the hospital for two months to save my baby. Who, by the way was born four weeks ago at 34 and a half weeks, and is doing ok.

    Did I mention this is my first pregnancy?

    The whole thing was kind of traumatizing, so let me tell you I stand up and applaud you and send you warm hugs for all that you have gone through over the years. I swear you are a stronger woman than I and probably stronger than you realize. To me, what you are calling the KRAZEE is — all things considered — totally and completely NORMAL. IMHO, anything other than your reaction would be nuts. Just sayin’

    Hoping all the best.

    • zoot

      Oh, hon. I’m so sorry you had such an insane pregnancy. I’m glad everything worked out okay, and I’m sending you calm vibes so that maybe you can have a little peace now. As much peace as possible with a newborn!

  • Lesley

    Ok so I went to Walmart this morning, something I do only every 6 months, and realized that if you went there you would be one of only a few hundred overweight girls who like to grab their own boobs randomly while looking like a zombie. So go there.

    So now every time I peemi will say a prayer for you. But since I am drinking your diet coke and mine ( which how you can quit cold turkey makes sense now) I don’t pee as much as I should.

  • Operation Pink Herring

    I used to do the inadvertent boob-grabbing too, and mine were never even sore at all! I did it once onthe way to the bathroom at work and a guy who worked down the hall TOTALLY saw. It was soooo awkward. I was so relieved when he got another job and didn’t work there any more.

    Lack of sleep just makes everything so much worse. I am a terrible sleeper. I am constantly putting things in the wrong places, even when I am trying really hard to pay attention. I’ve found the sugar jar in the fridge twice this week. Makes me feel like I am losing my mind!

  • LizScott

    Oh, God, the boob grabbing. All the time, with the boob grabbing.

    With this miscarriage (D&C last week) I had crippling nausea, sore boobs and crazy bloat right up until the procedure. post procedure? All gone. Nausea, boobs, bloat: GONE. Like, immediately. Which blows because I’d always heard that the more miserable you feel the ‘safer’ your pregnancy is, which, I mean, suck it, I guess, because I could barely take the pre-op percoset for my non-viable fetus because I was so nauseated. I find myself excessively pissy that I was still feeling so MISERABLY PREGNANT and, you know… not pregnant.

    Fertility, man. Tis crazy making.

    • zoot

      I’m sorry for your loss. And yes…crazy making it is. Hang in there. I’m sorry your story ended the way it did. Stupid bodies suck stupid donkey balls.