Happy and Fragile

I cried at work yesterday.

And it was as embarrassing as it sounds.

It wasn’t even over something good like missing my Dad. I wasn’t even having a bad day! I swear!

Basically someone very sweet and kind pointing out something I kinda already knew about posting about aggravations with my house on Facebook while selling my house and the combination of it being

A) Something that made me feel dumb because I should have kinda known it already and
B) Something about SELLING MY HOUSE: Currently the thing that makes me the most stressed right now

it all just hit a trigger point. I felt the tears IMMEDIATELY and tried to hide my face in work but I had to talk and it was so obvious and she felt so terrible and I kinda wanted to jump out of the window into the CVS parking lot below.

SO EMBARRASSED.

But y’all. Obviously that was SUCH a trigger. Even now, thinking about it, I’m having to fight back tears.

And then, because of this, I went and viewed my Facebook page as someone NOT friends of me would see it and changed the privacy on all of my public posts. I should have done this AGES I go. I know people stalk people on Facebook, I’m certain if we get any serious buyers they’d do that. I just hadn’t really thought about THAT as it relates to my assortment of public posts. (For the record, my coworker’s comment had nothing to do with that kind of stuff, it was just related to selling my house and things I post on Facebook so it got me thinking.)

So I went to make them back to private and that SUCKS because if I make a post public, it’s because my friends are sharing it out. It means my words about some issues (usually social justice) were so good that someone wanted to share it so I made it public. So I had to take time to change all of those to private just in case someone who wants to buy my house is NOT a friend of the LGBT community. And before the Target bathroom fiasco, I was confident none of my posts would offend anyone because we had an OUTPOURING of love here when gay marriage was legalized.

But now half of my feed is boycotting Target and half of my public posts are Trans advocacy posts and well, which do I want more, to sell my house or to make sure strangers know I support the Trans community.

And the answer to THAT is depressing too.

But really, it’s selling my house that’s depressing. Because I can not keep it clean. Everyone is trying but jeepers, we are just DAMN BUSY.

But also? I’m sad my friends are boycotting Target.

I don’t know. I’m really in a good place. That’s the other frustrating thing. This week has felt good. YESTERDAY felt good. Those tears anger me even more because I feel like they say, “Mentally unstable!” when truth-be-told, I’m the most stable I’ve been in months. I AM FINE. I PROMISE.

But the tears. I could not stop them. House. Trans Advocacy. Target.

I’m super sensitive and crying at the drop of a hat BUT I SWEAR I AM DOING GREAT. I mean, does that even make sense? I want to be like, “Don’t worry about me! You should have worried about me a month ago when I didn’t cry in front of anyone. Don’t worry about me now! I know I’m crying but I promise! I’m fine! I just wish I could sell my house and I wish people would see the Target Bathroom Drama through the eyes of people who love their Transgender neighbors. It’s painful. THAT IS WHY I’M CRYING. I promise! I’m actually happy!”

One thing is for sure. I need to go for a run this morning. So I don’t have time to wrap this up in a cohesive way. I guess this is maybe a Stream of Consciousness type of post. Thanks for hearing me out. Here’s to miles bringing some emotional stability. Here’s to happiness disguised in tears.

5 Comments

  • Amy

    I’m a therapist. Just wanted to remind you that for many people, therapy is the process of excavating a lot of things you have been shoving down. Random tears are to be expected, even if you are feeling better in the moment. Trying to sell the house is a huge strain on the entire family. This is a very hard time, especially with heightened feeling due to the election and LGBT issues as the world (hopefully) adjusts to a more tolerant way of being. That said, yes, you are sensitive, and right now perhaps more so than usual. This is just a reminder that what you are experiencing is really really normal. Be extra-kind to yourself! It gets better.

  • Laura

    I had a beloved and annoying therapist who used to say: So, you are actually feeling your feelings now? What’s that like?

    You are parenting and working and running and volunteering and advocating and try to sell your house all at once. I think tears are appropriate and okay.

  • Hillary

    It would never have occurred to me to look up the people I was considering buying a house from on FB. I mean, I’m buying the house, not them! What difference does it make what their opinions are? The guy we bought our house from was kind of a jerk, but it didn’t make the house any less wonderful. I can see not putting negative comments up about your house… Maybe you should get people to post stuff about how awesome your house is to your page! 😉

    I’m a cryer too, and the couple of times it happened to me at work were mortifying, so I can relate.

  • Tamara Tedd

    I’ll weigh in to say, that I fully believe in ‘healthy crying’ and that is what you were/are doing. The way and why I cry now are so much different than in past. Now, I know that I have to take a moment to think ‘why did X release the cry- was it specific or just general- what do I need to do for myself to confront/deal/heal/move on’ Before, it was a whole lot of ‘woe and misery- no one gets me!- why is life so hard’

    Also, crying is not weakness, or always sadness- it is just a release of buildup (emotional or otherwise) and I wish more people realized this. To me, it can be a coping strategy (hopefully this makes sense)- to let off a little pressure and re-set- then tackle the issues that may have been stacking up inside/outside/around me.

    Stay true to you Kim!

    • Fraulein N

      I totally agree on the idea of “healthy crying.” It’s been scientifically proven that it lowers your blood pressure and it actually rids the body of toxins (in your tears). Hear that, Kim? It’s SCIENCE! If anybody gives you a hard time, you just tell them you’re sciencing your way to a better frame of mind.