I cried at work yesterday.
And it was as embarrassing as it sounds.
It wasn’t even over something good like missing my Dad. I wasn’t even having a bad day! I swear!
Basically someone very sweet and kind pointing out something I kinda already knew about posting about aggravations with my house on Facebook while selling my house and the combination of it being
A) Something that made me feel dumb because I should have kinda known it already and
B) Something about SELLING MY HOUSE: Currently the thing that makes me the most stressed right now
it all just hit a trigger point. I felt the tears IMMEDIATELY and tried to hide my face in work but I had to talk and it was so obvious and she felt so terrible and I kinda wanted to jump out of the window into the CVS parking lot below.
But y’all. Obviously that was SUCH a trigger. Even now, thinking about it, I’m having to fight back tears.
And then, because of this, I went and viewed my Facebook page as someone NOT friends of me would see it and changed the privacy on all of my public posts. I should have done this AGES I go. I know people stalk people on Facebook, I’m certain if we get any serious buyers they’d do that. I just hadn’t really thought about THAT as it relates to my assortment of public posts. (For the record, my coworker’s comment had nothing to do with that kind of stuff, it was just related to selling my house and things I post on Facebook so it got me thinking.)
So I went to make them back to private and that SUCKS because if I make a post public, it’s because my friends are sharing it out. It means my words about some issues (usually social justice) were so good that someone wanted to share it so I made it public. So I had to take time to change all of those to private just in case someone who wants to buy my house is NOT a friend of the LGBT community. And before the Target bathroom fiasco, I was confident none of my posts would offend anyone because we had an OUTPOURING of love here when gay marriage was legalized.
But now half of my feed is boycotting Target and half of my public posts are Trans advocacy posts and well, which do I want more, to sell my house or to make sure strangers know I support the Trans community.
And the answer to THAT is depressing too.
But really, it’s selling my house that’s depressing. Because I can not keep it clean. Everyone is trying but jeepers, we are just DAMN BUSY.
But also? I’m sad my friends are boycotting Target.
I don’t know. I’m really in a good place. That’s the other frustrating thing. This week has felt good. YESTERDAY felt good. Those tears anger me even more because I feel like they say, “Mentally unstable!” when truth-be-told, I’m the most stable I’ve been in months. I AM FINE. I PROMISE.
But the tears. I could not stop them. House. Trans Advocacy. Target.
I’m super sensitive and crying at the drop of a hat BUT I SWEAR I AM DOING GREAT. I mean, does that even make sense? I want to be like, “Don’t worry about me! You should have worried about me a month ago when I didn’t cry in front of anyone. Don’t worry about me now! I know I’m crying but I promise! I’m fine! I just wish I could sell my house and I wish people would see the Target Bathroom Drama through the eyes of people who love their Transgender neighbors. It’s painful. THAT IS WHY I’M CRYING. I promise! I’m actually happy!”
One thing is for sure. I need to go for a run this morning. So I don’t have time to wrap this up in a cohesive way. I guess this is maybe a Stream of Consciousness type of post. Thanks for hearing me out. Here’s to miles bringing some emotional stability. Here’s to happiness disguised in tears.