I’ve felt very raw and vulnerable the last two weeks since the kids have been back in school. Part of this is normal as it always comes with the start of the new school year. So much happens to them that I’m not there to witness, and I don’t know how to protect them or help them and it makes me on edge. This vulnerability is magified with Wesley who struggles at school, and who I always worry is not being understood. Add my frequent absences into to the situation and the guilt I feel over not being there enough, and you have me teetering on the edge of mega sobfests at every turn. And I’ve fallen over a few times lately.
Like during Asanas & Ales on Sunday when I got a little too into contemplating my weekly intention and I starting crying onto my non-ethically sourced yoga mat.
My vulnerability and rawness has probably made me more defensive than usual. During these downturns in my life I feel like everything I do carries a big neon arrow pointing to me that says: WORLD’S WORST MOM.
Wait. I’m back from the end of this entry. I was re-reading this before publishing and I looked at that previous paragraph and remembered a KEY LESSON from the video I include at the end of this post: NO NAME CALLING. This is rooted in Shame. So, instead of saying that the neon sign says “WORLD’S WORST MOM” I’m going to say that the neon sign says, “WONDERFUL MOM DOING HER BEST BUT SOMETIMES MAKES MISTAKES AND SHE JUDGES HERSELF TOO HARSHLY!”
Now back to regular programming…
But last night Wesley’s school counselor sent me this video to watch after some email exchanges about kids and shame. I adore Bréne Brown and have watched many of her talks (I don’t read her books) and send them to people as reference often, so I was on board before I even clicked play. But after watching it? I was shaken to my core. It gave me insight in Wesley’s life, into my own life, and into the life of our communities and our country. It was everything I needed as a parent, and as a concerned empath. I don’t have anything else to add, I just hope maybe you’ll find time to watch it, especially if you or the people you love suffer from shame. It’s long, but it was exactly the messaging I needed from the universe right now.
Thank you to all of you who have reached out and commiserated over parenting with me the last few days. Talking about vulnerable children is – in and of itself – a vulnerable act. When we discuss the struggles or faults our kids may have, our own hearts are sitting outside of our bodies during the conversation and so many of you took the time to gently protect mine while you shared your own stories, exposing your own hearts. Thank you for that. Truly.