The kids started Soccer this weekend. Two back-to-back games that were action packed! Wes did a great job in his first game and seems to really love just hustling like a madman. This is exactly opposite of me who rejoiced sitting on the sidelines goofing off with other kids. After the crazy day of Saturday, I was hoping for a good and peaceful night sleep Saturday night.
HA! HA! Funny joke on me.
There seem to be two different kinds of insomnia. The kind that keeps from being able to fall asleep, and the kind that keeps you from being able to stay asleep. I have never suffered from the first form in any capacity. I slightly suffer from the second one…slightly. But it’s easy to adapt around because I don’t suffer from the first one. So, since I know my body won’t let me sleep past 4am most morning, I try to be in bed by 9pm. Easy. Breezy.
Whenever I meet someone who struggles to fall asleep…I always completely empathize with them and proclaim my gratitude that I don’t suffer from the same problem. I just couldn’t imagine not being able to go to sleep when I wanted. I’ve had bouts of issues with sleep around stressful times in my life, but nothing like some of my friends experience.
Until Saturday night.
I went to sleep around 9:30 or 10pm without any big problem. I’ve been needing to read every night for a few minutes, but after about 15 minutes I’m usually out. But then, something woke me up around 1am and I COULD NOT GET BACK TO SLEEP. I spent the next hour-and-a-half reading, almost fall asleep, putting the book down, and then NOT BEING ABLE TO GO TO SLEEP. The second I took the book out of my mental focus, even if I was literally dozing off while reading it, I couldn’t turn off my brain.
I found myself obsessing over my sick dog and the mess she’s making of our carpet. Will we ever be able to get it clean? How much would it cost to replace it someday? Do I want to replace it with carpet because I can’t imagine upstairs without the sound barrier of carpet. AND WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT AT 1AM?
I found myself obsessing over this pregnancy. It’s probably fated for doom – I would think – and I would wonder how I’m going to cope once I get the inevitable bad news. Will I have to have a D&C? I always prefer a D&C because miscarrying on my own is my least favorite option of all of the really shitty options. And then I’ll probably chop my hair off because I like to do extreme things after pregnancy loss…it re-shifts my focus.
But then I would shift and be hopeful. If the pregnancy proceeds well…how will we arrange the kids in the house? Same gender same bedroom? And then – no matter what – move Nikki to E’s room years down the road when he doesn’t need it anymore? And will we finally remodel his outdated bathroom? And will this baby sleep well? Have they made any cool new baby things in the last 5 years we don’t know about? What will we name this baby? I MUST DECIDE THIS RIGHT NOW AT 1:30AM OR THE WORLD WILL END.
It was non-stop for almost two hours until I found myself crying in bed and just wailing, “I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!!!” But, I couldn’t shut it off. I couldn’t turn off my brain to go to sleep. The only thing I could do was change the subject my brain was obsessing about. Pregnancy. Lost pregnancy. TV. Shoes. Carpet. Dogs. Soccer. Theatre. NON-STOP THINKING. I couldn’t do it.
So, at 2:30am I just got up. I quit fighting it an just woke up. I got started with my day on about 3 hours sleep. Which, in case you were wondering, did nothing to help my emotional state.
Last night I popped some Tylenol PM and slept peacefully until I woke up at 5:15am this morning. I know that’s not a perfect solution. But it will at least get me through today without as many spontaneous tears as yesterday.
The point of this entire entry? To tell all of you that have trouble falling asleep? I LOVE YOU. I am sorry your life is so difficult. One night of that and I wanted to kill myself. HOW DO YOU SURVIVE? I mean – I was so miserable I found myself praying. I don’t even believe in God, why was I praying? BECAUSE I WAS THAT MISERABLE. You people…even if you do nothing else that you a proud of in your life…if you survive with sleeping issues then you are a hero. I couldn’t survive one night without losing my mind. Hell, I couldn’t survive 90 minutes without giving up. I know some of you sit there for HOURS, channel surfing, reading, tossing, turning…HOW ARE YOU ALL NOT CRAZY?
Let’s hope that was a one night thing. Because if this becomes a new thing I have to deal with? My sanity won’t last a week. I GUARANTEE IT.