I don’t know you at all. I just know that whenever you get pregnant, the internet has A LOT OF OPINIONS about your pregnancy. My own dark reproductive history has conditioned me not to have opinions about anyone else’s reproductive situation. So, whenever you got pregnant, I just found myself scrolling past the endless tweets, facebook statuses, and blog posts about your latest blessing.
Although, I’ll admit, I did periodically feel a pang of jealousy. But I feel that whenever anyone gets pregnant, regardless of who they are or how many children they have.
But today? A tidbit caught my attention. It seems you miscarried. And suddenly, just like whenever anyone I know miscarries, I can’t resist the urge to contact you.
A miscarriage is a terribly sad thing. I’ve had my share as I had the pleasure of being diagnosed as a Spontaneous Aborter. The names sounds more fun than it actually is. Turns out, spontaneity is not fun when it comes to losing pregnancies. Trips to get ice cream? YES! New sweaters? YES! Cheesy movie night? BRING IT ON. But spontaneous pregnancy loss? Sucks all sorts of donkey balls.
So I’ve become quite invested in the emotional well-being of friends and family who might suffer the same tragedy. And while you are neither friend or family, I did want to put my condolences out into the universe in hopes that the positive energy they generate make their way to you during this sad time.
I know you are religious, but I know nothing more than that. I’m assuming your faith is going be where you turn right now, and if that works for you then I’m very happy for you. If you still find yourself at a loss, let me share with you a piece that brought me a lot of, well, peace.
This is the link I send friends who have suffered a miscarriage. It is about mourning that loss, and how we don’t have a great standard in our society for dealing with such a loss.
There’s little acknowledgment in Western culture of miscarriage, no ritual to cleanse the grief. My own religion, Judaism, despite its meticulous attention to the details of daily life, has traditionally been silent on pregnancy loss — on most matters of pregnancy and childbirth, in fact. (At the urging of female rabbis, the Conservative movement in which I grew up has, for the first time, included prayers to mark miscarriage and some abortions in its most recent rabbis’ manual.) Christianity, too, has largely overlooked miscarriage.
Words don’t really help, but the author describes the loss I felt in such a way that I felt I wasn’t alone. And I hope you can find that somewhere in your life. Maybe you’ll be fine with people telling you it, “Happens for a reason.” I was not. As a matter of fact, that kinda sent me into rage blackouts. Maybe your faith will give you that reason. But if none of these things work for you, just know that it’s okay to be sad. It’s not “just” a miscarriage. Allow yourself time to be sad. And angry, if you’re like me.
And know that something that helped me was probably something you’ve grown to hate in your notoriety: The internet. I found tons of friends inside the box writing about their losses and they put words to what I was feeling and gave me hope that I could make it through the pain. I’ll be forever grateful for those faceless voices.
Anyway…you’ll probably never see this. But I couldn’t let this escape my recognition as I know the pain all too well.
Peace to you and your family.