• Be Brave

    Looking Forward To Burning The Crap Out Of My Uterus!

    photo(17)For the first time ever in our marriage, my husband and I are not in the same place about having more kids.

    Now…the NUMBER ONE GIANT REASON I have decided I don’t want more kids is that the last pregnancy/miscarriage nearly killed me. I mean, they’ve all sucked royal donkey balls, but the last one at this point in my life? Just nearly put me out of commission. The anxiety during the 10 weeks I was pregnant combined with the sadness over the eventual loss was simply…too much.

    If someone could hand me a baby and say, “THERE!” I’d have 3 more. No problem. But with any attempt to have kids (pregnancy or adoption) there comes a stretch of time where I experience simultaneous hope and dread and the combination of the two are just more than I think I could handle. Donnie says it’s just too soon for me to decide I can’t do it again, the pain is still too fresh, and he might be right. I mean, I often think about where I should be right now. I should be planning a nursery, picking names, and coming up with a birth plan. Instead? I’m remembering the anxiety and the sadness like it was yesterday. Because some days it feels like it was.

    But that’s not the ONLY reason. I’m SO DAMN SICK OF MY REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE.

    As soon as we’re “done” trying to get pregnant, I can have my doctor burn the shit out of my uterus to try to bring me some relief from my endometriosis. (Medical term: Endometrial Ablation.) The pain and the bleeding I experience every month is horrible and dreadful and ruins several days. I have to keep changes of clothes in my car and I have to stay doped up on ibuprofen. And then, because of my fibroids and cysts I also get the bonus pain associated with ovulation or random bleeding throughout a month.

    Basically? My life is one big party of AWESOME.

    And setting it all on fire will help that. And if it doesn’t? Then the next step will be to start taking things out one at a time. And you know what? I AM FINE WITH THAT. I can not WAIT until we can start the process of Making Kim Less Crazy. Because – you know – trying to have kids isn’t stressful enough! Let’s add the pain of endotriosis, uterine fibroids, and ovarian cysts to the mix to make things just a bit more awful! WHEEEEE!

    So…yeah. Part of me not wanting any more kids is the raw pain from our last loss. And I agree with Donnie, it’s probably still too soon to make decision from that pain. But the other part of the decision is the desire to get my life back. To not have to constantly factor in my body when planning my calendar. “Oh…a trip around the time I’d ovulate? No can do. I’m too crippled with pain. And often crying for no reason due to the hormonal surges. Hmmm…”

    To be able to live a “normal” life without constantly dealing with side effects of my many reproductive issues? WOULD BE SUCH AN AMAZINGLY AWESOME THING.

    So we set a calendar. If the emotions are still this strong by day X, then I can start by scheduling the Burning Of The Uterus. The only problem is, Donnie is so NOT ready to let go of having kids, that day X is still a mystery day in the future. And that’s a real type of emotional sadness too, to have to let go of those dreams because someone else has already done that first. It’s a tough place to be in a marriage. He basically will have to be forced to be okay with a decision that I made already. And a big decision that carries a lot of emotional weight to it.

    Do you have any stories of survival from situations like this? Did you and your spouse ever disagree over the parenting timeline? When to start? When to stop? When you came to an agreement, how did the resistant one cope? Is there a way to cope?

    And more importantly – would it be weird if I started planning an Endometrial Ablation party? Because I’m kinda excited.