The Magic Power of Sleep

I woke up at 3:30am with a pep in my step. I skipped book club last night but I made a LOT of progress on some looming projects and caught up on some house work and was asleep by 8:30. Meaning I got a whopping SEVEN HOURS of sleep which is – most definitely – more than I’ve had most nights recently and I fall APART if I don’t consistently get between 7 and 8 hours every night.

3:30am and I’m feeling good! Finally I feel rested and I have time to pack lunches (mostly, not the cooked stuff) before I head out for a 5am run and then it’s Therapy Thursday and then a fun shoot at work and some soccer tonight.

So of course, Wesley wakes up puking.

It’s weird though, if my kids ever REALLY need me to be a calm force and a strong Mom, immediately when I wake up is the prime time to need it. I’d like coffee to be brewing, but for the most part, I’m at my Maternal Best when I first get out of bed to greet the day.

I’m at my maternal WORST at 8pm when I’m really wanting to be in bed.

So I’ve been in Good Mom mode caring for him (he’s also way better at puking than his sister, it always ends up where it belongs) and I’ve got a load of laundry going and I just swept the floors. I hate I can’t go run (Donnie only had 3 hours sleep night-before last working on a presentation for work so he needs sleep more than I need a run) but I’m actually still feeling really good this morning even though I have a sick kid.

I am hoping I can at least get Donnie to go into work late so I can go to therapy. Not because it’s so imperative I go, but because they’ll still charge me even if I don’t since I didn’t cancel 24 hours in advance and I’m nothing if not frugal with my copays.

So I’ll take care of my sweet baby today and hope this stuff doesn’t hit me next. And I’ll bask in feeling RESTED even if I didn’t get to run.

It really is amazing how different I feel when I’ve had at least 7 hours sleep. I know many of you think I’m a wuss for complaining about 5-6 hour nights when that seems to be the norm for the rest of the world, but holy shitake mushrooms, Batman…5-6 hour nights do nothing but make me feel like I’m losing my every-loving mind.


So Much Miscellany.

A blog post in two completely unrelated parts:

Part 1: We’re Still On A Break

I have been avoiding Facebook since this day. I took it off my phone so I can’t check it constantly, but I do still open it up on the computer once in awhile. I try to do it with purpose: “I need to check that event page,” or “I need to post that status.” The few times I’ve done it, though, a quick scroll through the feed to see what everyone is up to reminds me why I had to take a break. Yesterday, I really needed to unload a parenting trauma so my friends could build me up with some, “ME TOO!” comments. After I did that it only took about 4 seconds of scrolling before I saw a “SHE IS AS BAD AS HE IS!” status about Hillary Clinton and that’s just one that I can’t hang with. Even if she was as terrible as conservative media likes to paint her – (She’s not that bad, as seen in the links I included in this post.) – she’s not as bad as Donald Trump. Right? AND THEN I KEPT THINKING ABOUT THAT FOR HOURS. Which is why Facebook and I are not good for each other right now. I can’t just scroll and forget. I either want to comment, discuss, or MULL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

It’s funny because I’m very good at letting general conflicts go in life. I don’t hold grudges. There have been times where I have honestly had to ask someone to remind me why I disliked someone else. There are only a few things that help memorialize your bad actions in my mind and a good example is Homophobia. I’ve got some homophobic words etched into my memory permanently from casual acquaintances in my life. But in general? I DO NOT HAVE THE ENERGY.

But DUDE…if something bothers me on Facebook? It follows me around ALL DAY. I don’t know if it’s the website itself, or if it’s just political season but I’ll be cooking dinner hours later and think back to one status or comment or meme that hit me wrong. So, it’s a really good thing I’m only scrolling through it about once a day now. It’s hard, I missed keeping up with everyone, but right now it’s necessary to keep me sane.

Part 2: Stuff I’m Loving

Strangers – I binge-watched the show last weekend and LURVED it so much. It was super-scary and had to resign to watching it during the daylight hours, but it wasn’t too “grown-up” like a lot of these popular shows are so it was nice to finally be included in all of the TV talk for once. I let the kids watch it a little bit but they were both a little scared too so neither of them got as hooked on it as Donnie or I did.

Orphan Black – Season 4 – I finally caught up on Orphan Black and Tatiana Maslany is simply amazing. Once again I found myself forgetting she was playing all of the parts. There were some GREAT scenes this season, I won’t spoil anything but the Jesus Christ Superstar performance montage was EPIC and Helena had so many small good moments that I adored as well. Krystal was fun too, and I’m glad we got to see more of her.

Homegoing – I had put this book on my list after hearing a segment of an NPR interview with the author and then seeing/hearing it referenced by Ta-Nehisi Coates at some point as well. I made note of it being a “book club possibility” because I’m terrible at suggesting book club books (although my last one – Everything I Never Told You – turned out good) and then kinda forgot about it. Then I had family share something out about it this weekend and it turns out the author – Yaa Gyasi – is from Huntsville! So, I bought it and started it last night and I’m already pulled so deep into it I can’t stop thinking about it. I think it’s going to be one people are talking about for awhile. Jump in, I say! It’s not easy or light – but it’s rich and deep and painful and thought provoking. I’ll do a full review when I finish.

Chrissy Teigen on Twitter I can’t remember what first brought Teigen on my radar but it was something good because I don’t make a habit of just following random celebrities or models. I curate my Twitter feeds very dilberately and I have several lists I keep open all day. News, Locals, BLM writers, and then I have a “FAVES” list. That list contains people whose tweets I do NOT want to miss. Sometimes because I just want to see all of them and they don’t tweet often (Like the Pope, John Green, Helen Prejean, and my kid) but others just because they’re SO HILARIOUS I must see everything. And Teigen falls entirely in that category. She made fun of something she found where someone referred to the CL in NaCL as “chlorine” and then the internet continuued to not realize she was being sarcastic and it was great. Then there’s her random but spot-on political commentary. But this stuff? This is my favorite.

I just adore her, y’all.


Random Lightheartedness

I posted something serious with a preface that said: LIGHTHEARTED TOMORROW!

But then I took it down and thought: Let’s do lighthearted today.

  • I just finished season 4 of Orphan Black and I love that show so much. There are moments where the pearl-clutcher in me thinks “EEEK! TOO GROWN UP!” but for the most part it’s tame compared to the other popular cable shows. Tatiana Maslany is a genius and I have said time and time again: You know she’s good when you do not even think about that fact that she’s is playing just about every character in the show. She’s also good when she’s one character imitating another and you pick up on it because she manages to lace some of the imitator qualities into the persona and OH MY GOD SHE IS AMAZING. Did you watch it? Do you love Krystal? What about Helena? WHAT ABOUT THE JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR MONTAGE? OMG. So good.
  • I also developed a huge crush on a fictional character this weekend when I saw Ghostbusters. I loved Holtzmann SO MUCH. I watched the original at least 50 times as a kid (it was one of the VHS tapes in my Dad’s office so when we had to go to work with him it was our only option) and loved it dearly and this one was just as good. I lurved it.
  • I’m going through my iTunes music library and trashing stuff I no longer want (It’s a compulsion) and y’all – I went through a Hannah Montana phase I’m not sure I can blame on my children.
  • I need some book suggestions. I want something compelling and light. I read The Husband’s Secret – do Liane Moriarty’s other books that compelling but also not too difficult to read?
  • I was totally geeking over so many San Diego Comic Con reports. My favorite is that Draco Malfoy is going to be on The Flash and it seemed Grant Gustin was as excited about it as I am. I love SDCC and some day I’ll go…IF IT KILLS ME.
be brave

An Emotional Dump Of A Facebook Status Turned Pathetic Blog Post

This started as short Facebook status and then I felt the emotional dump coming and decided to move it to the blog where you all are more used to my breakdowns. I’m not sure my real world casual Facebook aquantainces would know what to do with this.

Due to various family sleep issues, I often end up sharing a bed with Nikki and recently I’ve noticed an increase in her sleep talking (she’s had a few incidents of sleep walking as well). What worries me is her sleep talking is ALWAYS anxiety-fueled. It’s rarely the nonsensical sleep talking most of us do, instead it’s pleas for forgiveness as she’s evidently done something wrong, or emotional explanations for errors she’s made. There’s always concern and stress and it’s always perfectly coherent and it BREAKS MY HEART.

There’s really no point in this post other than sharing my emotional baggage. My two youngest children were born with intense emotional needs – one with severe anxiety and the other with anger issues. And not matter how many tools I add to my arsenal with reading and counseling I feel like I’m perpetually inadequately equipped in helping them with their needs. Of all of the Mothers in the world to be born to, they had to be born to one constantly fighting her own battles and therefore never fully capable to help them with theirs.

No need for advice, it’s time for a new therapist for Nikki – she’s asked for one. And we were already deciding it was time for a new one for Wes. I’ve read all of the books and articles. I promise. I’ve read more about children and anxiety and anger and emotional intelligence in the last two years than I’ve read about anything else. I know my own limits and my kids need more help than I can offer. It just makes me feel really down on myself, like maybe there are other Mothers in the world that have their shit together enough to be more of a help to their children unlike me, who spends many of her moments trying to keep her OWN emotions in check and probably doesn’t give her kids the support they need.

Just venting. Last night was hard.

This is what INBOX ZERO looks like in Google Inbox. It's huge motivation because it's so pretty.

Improving Digital Communications

“Oh! Look! An Email! I’ll read it during this 90 seconds I have while my lunch heats up.”

Zoot reads email

“Oh. This is a lovely email that needs a lovely response. (Or maybe: This is a question that needs a well thought-out answer.) My 90 seconds is up. I need some time to actually compose a well-thought out response. I’ll do it later.”


Zoot forgets entirely about email

This is my life. And it goes for Facebook messages and Twitter DMs and Instagram comments. I’m really bad about using small pockets of time – while waiting in line at Target, or waiting for my meal to heat up, or waiting for my kid to get out of the bathroom – to check messages and emails. THIS IS A TERRIBLE HABIT, I have decided. Because I never have time to respond if it requires more than 1 or 2 sentences and so I wait, and then eventually I forget about it. Not because the message or email wasn’t important. But because the message or email was digested during a rushed moment of “waiting” when my long-term memory is turned off to conserve energy for the task that I’m waiting on.

If it’s an email then at least, weeks or months later, I’ll go through my inbox and eventually see it and feel really bad and probably not respond because I feel so terrible. OR, if it’s some other message, I’ll miss it entirely and never remember it again. Email has an inbox where nothing gets cleared out unless I clear it out. But FB messages and Twitter DMs and Instagram comments just keep getting buried under other messages so I no longer see them, making them permanently forgotten.

SO. What is the solution? FIX ME, BLOG FRIENDS? Do I only read messages/emails/tweets/comments when I have time to respond and/or address them? BUT THEN HOW DO I PASS TIME WAITING IN LINES? Do you have designated “check communications” times? I keep my email open all day, maybe that’s the problem? Although email I at least notice once in awhile, the other methods of communications get lost after time. FOREVER. I at least address my inbox once a month or so. The Facebook messenger app is the place where messages go to die.