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Reflective

I'm feeling reflective this morning. Someone like Trump does not rise to popularity in a vacuum. Have I ever fostered…

Posted by Kim Zoot Holmes on Wednesday, March 2, 2016

I wrote that on Facebook this morning and thought I’d share it here. I had been convincing myself that Trump supporters represent small pockets of people who aren’t able to really stay informed about his rhetoric and antics and just see/hear the main things about Making America Great again but his base has grown too wide and there’s no way they don’t know the anger he’s fostering and the xenophobia he’s promoting.

But I have no idea what to do about it. How do I contrast his rhetoric in my own home and my own community?

Let me know if you have any ideas because it’s about way more than voting now. It’s about rebuilding our communities to not fear people of color or people from different religions. To welcome diversity and to support the less fortunate. How do we build that in contrast to what he has fostered?

Also? John Green Retweeted me yesterday and I died a little.

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Hodgepodge Of Insanity

I sat down this morning with so much to say. First, I wanted to talk about how my YouTube recommendation page is ALL Pokemon unboxing videos and videos of people playing video games. Those are Wes’s FAVORITE things to watch right now and it seems SO CRAZY. Watching people open Pokemon cards? Watching people play video games? HE LOVES THEM and I think it’s weird. And also? I’m super bummed I didn’t have the foresight to log OUT each time he used my laptop because now my Google account is all confused.

Then I wanted to talk about how I was in bed sick all day and missed Eliah’s performance at Montevallo and last night was the ONLY night I had this week to see it. I was going to write about how the guilt is literally tearing me up and I couldn’t sleep and I have officially decided I’m the worst mother in the world.

Then I thought I should write about guilt instead. And how guilt is so terrible and how some days the guilt I feel is harder to bear than grief or anxiety or depression. I hear people blame that type of stuff on religious upbringing but I don’t think that’s it. I think my guilt is because I have such intense empathy that I feel the hurt on the other side of my actions vividly so it makes the guilt over causing that a million times worse. I watched his snapchat from last night and it physically hurt me to not have been there. It caused me PAIN to watch it, maybe that’s love combined with guilt.

Then I thought I should talk about the weird illness I had and pontificate a bit over whether or not it’s even real. I’ve been battling my demons more these last two weeks due to some sleep issues and some TOO MUCH TO DO issues and my depression and anxiety have been battling it out on a daily basis over WHO IS GOING TO SCREW KIM UP MORE?! I was convinced I had a fever yesterday, I felt terrible, came home and NO FEVER but I also had no energy, lots of pain, and a general lack of a desire to live. I napped a lot and I think I feel better but now I’m wondering: Was this a physical manifestation of my emotional trauma? I’ve read about that but it’s never happened to me. I’m going to try to be really in tune today to try to keep everything in check.

Then I considered talking about exercise and how my mornings have been too cramped to run every day because I have this new volunteer job and I choose to sort through emails in the morning and it’s cramping into my run time so I got up at 2:30am today in hopes to have time to run. This will hopefully not be permanent, I’m currently editing HTML in an old website but the new website built on a CMS exists it’s just not launched. But for now? We’re talking AT LEAST an hour every morning and truthfully, I’m behind. It’s a sad life I live that I have to wake up at 2:30am to get all of the shit done I need to get done before work. But the alternative is doing it at night and that’s my family time and I need that lately so for now? I’m dropping my running down to 2-3 weekdays instead of 4-5. This is probably not helping my emotional state.

Then I thought about telling you how I recently discovered I can wear kid’s XL clothing in some styles and this has made my life so much better because:
1) Boys athletic pants come with GIANT pockets! I hate pants without pockets or with only tiny pockets.
2) Girls leggings are cuter and cheaper than the ones in the adult section.

Then I was going to tell you about my grand plans for Lent that I totally screwed up because I forgot yesterday was Ash Wednesday because I was sick so now I’m going to STILL do my 40 days but I’m going to start TODAY which seems so terribly appropriate for someone who lacks religion.

But instead I’m just going to leave all of this here. This is all of the stuff rattling around in my brain this morning. I have to pack lunches and I think I’ll have time to run this morning. I HOPE. I need it desperately even with this mystery illness that could be completely psychological.

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What I’m Reading

I’m leaving town today to see my kid who I was supposed to visit on Sunday for his 21st birthday, but the snow and my race changed those plans and today is the first day I could try to reschedule. SO! I’m going to insist you go read some other write-ups from my running friends. These are two more REAL runners who weren’t born athletic and who aren’t fighting for first place when they set out to run. They’re people like you doing amazing things and their words inspired me and I WAS THERE WITH THEM DOING THE SAME THING.

First is from Chelsea who toed the line at her first Mountain Mist on Sunday and her write-up kept me on the edge of my seat AND I EVEN KNEW HOW IT ENDED.

Marty, my friend who was running this station, assured me that I was good but that I needed to HURRY UP. I would need to make up time in this section to make the last cut off. I turned back on to the trail with Amanda, walking with my Waffle in hand. In the distance I heard Marty yell “MOVE YOUR ASS!!” Ha! I smiled a little and took his words to heart. I was about to push myself the hardest I ever had in my life.

The second is from my friend Lindsey who actually opted to tell Part 1 of her story first, which was her DNF (Did Not Finish) from Mountain Mist last year. It’s such a good write-up about DNFs and how you can learn from them.

When I reached the finish line I went straight to the first person I saw with a clipboard to make sure they knew not to count me as a finisher. Then I watched as most of my fellow Grand Slammers crossed the finish line. My empty heart was filling back up as I tried to soak in as much of their happiness and sense of self-accomplishment that I could, knowing that I too would have a Mountain Mist finish one day.

Enjoy the reads and be inspired, I know I was!

21.

IMG_0495Recently I had the opportunity to run for a board position in my local track club. As in – I had to be elected. I had to give a speech. There was a VOTE. And it had me totally freaked out and I called my child to tell him about it as he has been through the same situation at various times in his life (he was the President of his Fraternity last year) and I knew he’d understand.

That is when you know your time of parenting has passed. When you are seeking out your child for counsel.

But the coolest part of the story, was that he texted me during the meeting, “Have they voted yet?” He was honestly invested in the outcome of my election. The kid who has 19 million obligations pulling him in 23 different directions at school checked in on my election. It was super cool.

I texted him about an hour later after it was all over, “I WON!”

This adult child of mine – who I really don’t have many opportunities to “parent” any more – turns 21 today. TWENTY-ONE. He is officially old enough to drink and I texted him at 3:30am kinda hoping he was still awake from a nighttime of celebrating. He’s such a cool guy. I’m not sure how I managed to raise someone that turned out cool when I am so far from being cool myself, but I did and he is.

We’re going down to see him for a late lunch/early dinner on Sunday. A VERY late lunch because – it is the weekend of his 21st birthday after all.

I’m proud of the man he has grown to be. Everything good I do in life I feel like traces back to him in some way. The path I was on before he came around was taking me nowhere good, so he is indirectly responsible for everything good I’ve done since.

I wish him the happiest of birthdays with minimal hangovers.

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I’m Great.

I ran somewhere between 65 and 68 miles on Saturday! I have a long race report coming where I’m certain to pontificate on chaffing, back pain, extra miles and friendship. BUT! I slept in until 4:15am this morning and I’m really trying to make it to my friend’s spin class because A) I love seeing my friend but rarely am able to do her class because I usually run in the mornings and B) I need to work out the soreness in a way that does NOT involve running. SO! You’re getting a place holder. This is my telling you I survived. It was great. (As great as such a thing can be.) But my house is even MORE chaotic now that the new carpet is down and this is my last day off before E and the kids go back to school and I want to truly enjoy it which means I BETTER WORK OUT SOME ANXIETIES SOMEHOW THIS MORNING.

Off to spin it is!

(I’ll be the one in the back of the class just peddling the same speed the entire time and rarely breaking a sweat. Seriously. I’m just there to see my friend and work out some soreness and stress.)

But here is a picture my dear, dear friend took Saturday. One of the unexpected joys that I’ll get into was having two childhood/teen friends show up and run some with me along the way. One of them took this picture and I’ll be forever grateful. This is probably about mile 24 ish?

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Anyway – more will come later. Now I’m off to work out some stiffness and some stress and come back to spend a full day with my kids before we all go back to our normal lives.