- Okay! You all have convinced me that I should try to break my addiction to sugar and artificial sweeteners. Although, I’m not sure how since all of you agreed with me and said, “OH MY GOD IT IS SO TERRIBLE TO QUIT!” I don’t think I can go cold turkey/detox though. At least not now. I’m going to start cutting back and logging my intake so that maybe I can eventually cut back to zero. Ug. I’ll be honest. I’m already dreading this whole process even just TALKING about it.
- I signed up for my first 100K! I thought about doing this one last year but I decided it was too much on top of my Grand Slam attempt. (3 local 50Ks and 1 marathon in like 7 weeks.) It’s the perfect 100K for me because it’s on a Greenway (not through the woods) so I’ll A) Go faster than I would on the trails and B) Won’t be too scared of running in the dark. It’s also in Knoxville which is where my Mom lives so it’s close and I have free accommodations. I’ve run 52 miles before in 12 hours so doing 62 with a 24+ time limit is not intimidating (a lot of 100Ks have stricter time limits) so it’s perfect! Except the name. And the prizes all center around the Pistol. The hippy in me wishes it could be like, a Rainbow or something. BUT! It’s really hard to find the perfect 100K and I figure a gun theme outweighs running through the woods or having to do tons of traveling. I AM SIGNED UP FOR A 100K! EEK. If you are in the area and want to help me through some late miles VERY SLOWLY, please let me know! If my previous attempts at similar challenges are any indication, I’ll be doing 14-minute miles by the end with constant walk breaks. If that sounds like fun, let me know come January!
- I need a new bag. I carried a fun Fossil one FOREVER (like, 3 years) but Fossil doesn’t make fun bags anymore and I needed something a tad bit bigger for my bullet journal and accessories. I carry a Kavu bag now, I’ve used various Kavu bags over the years and I love them, but they’re REALL hard to dress up. I don’t mind switching back and forth between two bags (casual, dressy) but I don’t want to buy a bag that’s A) More than $50 or B) So dressy it doesn’t feel like me. It’s weird because I kinda want to dress up for work more (not that I have to, just want to) on days I don’t have photo shoots but all I say to myself is, “But my bag! It’s too casual for that outfit!” I have no idea why I’m telling you all this but it is TOTALLY SOMETHING I’M OBSESSING OVER. You know, because there’s nothing more important to worry about, like selling my house.
- I started implementing some of the KonMari method into my “Operation Downsize” journey. We’ve decluttered a LOT. From about 2 years ago when we decided we wanted to downsize, I’ve probably gotten rid of about 10-15% of the crap we had in our house. If not more. But, if we want to cut our square feet in half, we need to do more. Not a whole lot more because our house wasn’t “full” to begin with, but we need to get rid of some stuff. It’s easy for me, I have no problem getting rid of stuff. But it’s hard on Donnie and really hard if he has no idea where we are moving so the motivation isn’t there. The KonMari method is nice because it kinda gives you specific rules to follow, which makes it easier on Donnie. We went through our clothes last weekend and we gave 12 bags of stuff to Goodwill. AND WE DIDN’T HAVE A LOT TO BEGIN WITH. I mean, our closet wasn’t even full! We do probably have one extra dresser than the average person because we have more “In The Drawer” type clothes than most, but still! We are not clothes people! And we still got rid of 12 bags. INSANE. It definitely is a little on the “weird” side in it’s personification of your possessions. “Your socks need to be happy!” But still, it puts into words and rules a lot of what I’ve always had in my head in terms of keep v/s get rid of. I love it.
- Speaking of our house and downsizing. It still hasn’t sold. It’s one of those houses that we knew would be a hard sell. It has tons of square feet, but not in “bedrooms” so it’s sized like a 5 – 6 bedroom house, but only has 4 bedrooms. The bedrooms are HUGE and there are other rooms, but if you need ACTUAL bedrooms, it’s not for you. But, it’s priced more than a 4-bedroom house because it’s HUGE. But, it’s older, so if you’re in the price market it’s in, you will probably opt for a smaller updated 4 bedroom for the same price. SO! We basically need someone exactly like us – someone who would like the space but can’t afford it in a newer house. But “general” space, no bedroom space. The house was on the market for almost 2 years before we bought it. It’s a weird floor plan that will be perfect for SOMEONE, and when that person comes along the price is GREAT, but it’s just a matter of waiting for that someone. And how does “price we want to sell the house for” compare to “how much time before Kim loses her mind trying to keep it clean”. I will say this: If we don’t sell it in the 6 month contract window we have with our realtor, I may need to be committed. It really is causing me more anxiety than anything I’ve ever been through before. More than watching my Dad die. More than quitting smoking. Selling my house is THE WORST.
- I’ve been thinking a lot about heroes and the people we idolize in celebrity form. When they do shitty things, why do we have such a hard time breaking ties with them? I know people who I feel like are perfectly lovely and rational who still love the Duggars. I am not a Christian so I never got the appeal of watching a show about a family promoting those values, but they promote the whole “Being Gay Is A Sin” thing a lot. (Remember, I don’t like the whole “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” line.) And friends/family who I think support my kid and don’t think he’s a sinner, really like them so that always sat weird with me. Every time they’d talk about how they like them I’d think, “But do you agree with them? That even if my kid saved himself for marriage like you think heterosexuals should, he would STILL be a sinner?” And then the Mom did those robocalls that were outright lies about the Transgender Women, and my friends and family still supported her. And now the Josh Duggar thing. I’m seeing friends/family just blow it off like when they smoked cigarettes at 15. And it’s weird, right? Because I knew not to do that kind of stuff when I was 15. I did stupid stuff, but nothing like that. It just confuses me how people just refuse to abandon them. It was hard for me to see them openly supporting the Duggars when they were simply soooo anti-LGBTQ, but now it’s really weird. It’s one thing to not openly declare you don’t like them anymore, but they’re openly supporting them saying things like, “I did stupid stuff when I was a teenager too.” And I just don’t get it.
I’ve been trying to think of people I’ve idolized who have fallen from the pedestal I’ve put them on. I would say maybe Bill Clinton would be a good example? I was so mad at him when the Monica Lewinsky stuff came out. I didn’t agree with the efforts to impeach him because I felt like it was a waste of time, but I didn’t publicly stand by his side and blow off his idiocy. But I don’t know, if something like that happened today to someone I idolize, maybe I would? Basically I get my feelings hurt as the parent of an LGBTQ kid every time my friends/family publicly support the Duggars. And now I’m really confused by it. So I just want to understand it so that maybe I won’t get my feelings hurt. Have you ever had a public figure you’ve stood by even though you really didn’t agree with them? Just because you didn’t want to joint the witch hunt?
This week is a bit weird. I’ve been complaining for MONTHS about not being able to sleep. About how I’ve waken up too early every day since the house has been on the market. I’ve been waking up from 1am to 3:3am every day and I’ve been WHINING and WHINING and WHINING about it. Basically I’ve spent 7-10 weeks being a giant baby about not being able to sleep past 4am. I’m great.
And then…for the last 3 days I’ve slept until almost 5am and you know what? I think I want to whine about it. Because now I don’t have enough time to do everything I need to do! WHY DIDN’T I WAKE UP AT 3AM?
And suddenly I am worried…WAIT. Am I one of those people? Why complain and whine all the time? Is that just my “default” mode? That I have to bitch about something constantly?
Okay. That can’t happen. I can’t become the person who whines and complains now matter what the situation. NEVER HAPPY, THAT ZOOT! Tired when she can’t sleep past 3, anxious when she sleeps until 5am! Bitch! Moan! Whine! Complain!
So, yeah. I can’t be that person. I am going to try to be REALLY aware of the subtle (and often not-so-subtle) whining I do lately because now that I think of it, I feel like maybe I do it all the time. I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON WHO WINES ALL THE TIME.
Wait. Am I whining now about whining too much? I HAVE BECOME MY CHILD. It’s PERMAWHINE ALL THE TIME.
Ready? Okay! So, slept until almost 5am 2 days in a row now! I’m not entirely caught up on my sleep yet because I still feel a bit like road kill (Wait. Is that whining?) but I’m definitely feeling more human now. THANK GOD. I was starting to feel a little ragged. And that may be an understatement.
The thing about sleeping late is something has to be cut from my morning schedule. It seems to be my workouts. (Not my blogging! Why would I cut the blogging?) And many of you are the ones who insisted that not working out was NOT helping my anxiety. And you are very right! But I think I’ll side on the “needs more sleep” side of things for right now. (BUT NEVER CUT THE MORNING BLOGGING. That’s not happening.)
Well. This may be the most pointless thing ever. Look, ma! Blogging about Whining! I definitely am not caught up on my sleep yet.
I have a point of discussion I’d like to start up. It seems in most households, there’s some sort of give/take/balance that is not how one person wants it. Maybe the division of domestic chores is to heavy on one person. Maybe someone wants more sex. Maybe someone wants a break from the kids. Maybe someone wants more personal time to pursue hobbies. There’s usually some sort of balance of something that one person needs and the other person doesn’t offer without nagging or pushing. I’m talking about issues that come up time and time again.
At what point in time do you decide, “I’ve made my feelings aware and the balance is not changing so now I’m just going to work on being okay with the way things are so I don’t become angry and bitter?”
Because I’ve done a really good job with that with some of our balance issues in our house. (And there are things he’s settled into accepting about me, too.) I’ve decided I can’t control Donnie’s schedule or priorities or decisions. But I can control my feelings about them. Years ago, when he first started triathlon training and I hadn’t started anything like that, I was angry and bitter with him every time he went on a run/ride/swim. But then I said, “Screw that. I’m doing my own thing.” And I started boot camp and it helped me let go of the bitterness towards him because I got mine own time. I’ve been doing the same in regard to balance of domestic chores. I hated being bitter he wasn’t helping enough so I started just being okay with it and it took away a lot of the general resentment I felt.
So part of me is like: I HAVE FOUND THE SECRET TO A PERFECT LIFETIME PARTNERSHIP! It’s learning to be okay with the things that you can’t change.
But the other part of me is like: UM. Is that fair?
Because, let’s be honest. There are plenty of things I haven’t really budged on either and he’s become okay with it. So, are we just the perfect example of how to be happy forever? Or are we just figuring out how to justify being stubborn assholes?
Wes is 7 today. SEVEN. My youngest child is SEVEN and I’m about to be FOURTY. FORTY? I have no idea. There are no red lines telling me either is wrong and I’m too lazy to look it up.)
Where were we?
OH YEAH. This guy.
He’s seven today. Due to the chaos in our lives he’s kinda getting the shaft for his birthday. I only thought about two gifts and the rest are impulse, last-minute buys. But the good thing? Seven year olds don’t care.
We did buy him a LeBron James (Lebron? Again. Too lazy.) jersey because he’s a HUGE fan of the Cavs player because he’s totally obsessed with basketball.
Yes. My kid. Obsessed with basketball.
That would be the biggest change over the last year – his obsession with basketball. We always knew he loved it but he started playing this winter and then he started playing the video games and he got a game for Christmas and it’s just his BIGGEST love right now and it cracks me up because it just reminds me every day about my short stint as a basketball player in middle school where the only time I scored, it was for the other team.
So, he’s seven. He’s going to have a shirt that says “JAMES” on the back even though that’s not his name. And we’re going to eat at a Superhero Themed restaurant tonight for dinner. It’s going to be a good day, even if I have half-assed it.
It’s 7pm at night. I never blog at night. I usually blog in the morning with my first cup of coffee. But this morning I spent my first cup of coffee folding clothes. And then my second cup of coffee mopping floors. And then my 3rd cup cleaning countertops. Because my house is on the market and I have to make sure it’s “show ready” all the time and that means that I am constantly living better than I have in years, but that I’m also losing my damn mind.
So! I’m sitting down at 7pm to blog. Mainly because it’s that or go to sleep because I woke up at 3:45am to clean and I’M TIRED AS HELL, YO.
I did go run this morning. I was really proud of that. It’s Ironman season for Donnie so he spends a lot of mornings out of the house training but the sun is rising earlier (I won’t run in the dark) and he takes Mondays off so I squeezed in a short 4-mile run before work and I am SO GLAD THAT I DID. I’m going to try my best to do at least that every day. It’s a chore to get the bike out or go for a swim but I can at least run out my front door for 40 minutes in the morning. It’s not ideal (I really need to be cycling and swimming too) but considering how insane my life is now, it’s better than nothing.
So I find myself here at 7pm, fighting off the urge to go to sleep because I’m so damn tired. So I’m doing some stream-of-consciousness blogging to try to keep myself from passing out.
We did have another showing on the house today. We haven’t heard back yet. We’re in an interesting position because we’re pretty sure our house will sell at the current price eventually because it’s a good price, but it’s a strange floorplan so it will really only appeal to a minority of house-hunters. So, we have to decide, do we just wait for that person to pay that price? Or do we drop the price to make it appeal to a wider audience? My sanity says, “SELL IT FOR $10! ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!” But my fiscal adult self says we should wait it out since we know it’s a good price and just hold out for the perfect buyer.
I can’t wait until we’re allowed to live in filth again.
The funny thing is, we’re still probably not living “clean” by a lot of people’s standards. But those people don’t matter because they’re insane.
Speaking of insanity, I’ve documented mine just fine today with this rambling blog post. I turn 40 in 8 weeks and I woke up inspired to get my shit together before that day. So, while it may sound like I’m fading fast to the world of crazy people, I’m actually feeling really good about myself and life in general. I ran. I ate well. I cleaned. I had a good day at work. So truthfully, even though I’m tired as hell, it’s still a good day. I’m feeling good.
Okay. It’s 7:09pm now. I think I’m going to bed.