I’ve not been sleeping for shit. Even though I’m freakin’ exhausted. I stay awake every night thinking about bleeding, and miscarriages, and symptoms coming and going and – basically? I’m a mess.
I’ve never gotten morning sicknesses with pregnancies. I had some nausea with E, but never puked. All of the other pregnancies since – Nada. Not one wave of queasiness. And while many of you hate me for that – it’s one of those symptoms I would love to hold on to for reassurance. BUT I CAN’T.
I had really sore boobs for a few days and then – BAM – it just stopped. WHY DID IT STOP? It’s not supposed to stop until the end of the first trimester. WHERE DID MY SORE BOOBS GO? The worst part? I’m constantly grabbing my boobs to double check. It’s become so subconscious…I don’t realize I’m doing it anymore until it’s too late. Do you how embarrassing that is? To suddenly realized you just fondled yourself in the middle of the cereal aisle in the store? IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND.
In case you’re wondering.
So, basically, I’m a huge mess. And of course – I’m overeating to cope. And I can’t even balance it out with exercise, another stress reliever, because I can’t run or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. So, I’ve gained 7lbs in the last month. This would be fine if I knew for sure I’d stay pregnant because it would just blend in with the other weight gain but all I keep thinking is – What if I’ve gained all this weight and then I miscarry? I mean – then I just become the overweight girl who likes to grab her own boobs randomly while looking like a zombie because she hasn’t slept in months.
I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL!
And let’s don’t even get started about the constant toilet-paper checking. Now that the bleeding has stopped I feel cautiously optimistic. But…BUT…that’s happened before. The pregnancy before Wes I had bleeding, went to the doctor and got an ultrasound, saw a heartbeat, was insulted by the jackass doctor who thought I was overreacting, and then a few days later I lost the baby in my bathroom in the middle of the night. That was – by far – my most traumatizing miscarriage I think. And it all started with more blood on the toilet paper. So, of course, I’m frantically checking every time I go to the bathroom. And I say a little mantra, please…no blood…please…no blood. Another one of the MANY things right now making me feel LIKE A COMPLETE NUTCASE.
So…that’s what you’ve been missing. Aren’t you glad I filled you in on everything so that you could be privy to this inspirational content you’d be otherwise missing?