The One Where I Team Up With My Christian Friends.

I wrote a wordy post on Facebook yesterday about how I feel about this whole Ashl3y M@dison client/customer leak. (I’m not using the exact name because GOD FORBID I end up on a google search page for the list.) And the more I think about it, the more I feel I didn’t use all the words I wanted to use and this…my friends…is why I have a blog.

I know there are people out there who – for entertainment value – just sat scrolling through lists (especially when they started getting posted for individual states) to see if they knew anyone on them. Or specifically searching for people they knew. And as a very light-hearted, not-well-thought-out task, I guess part of me can see how you mind end up doing it. It’s a wreck-on-the-highway response. If you stopped and thought “Do I really want to see a dead body?” you probably wouldn’t look, but your instinct is to look before you think it through.

But I’ve seen all sides of infidelity intimately and it is an ugly, ugly thing that has many facets and complications and causes pain in wide ripples from the centerpoint. There is no part of me that wants to know if my neighbor or my doctor or my mayor was on that list. And even if that person was on that list, does that mean they cheated? And if they did does that mean I’m better than them somehow because I’ve been faithful to my husband?


It’s funny, this frenzy of search and commenting has been bugging me since the list was leaked and I started hearing whispers of people finding names they didn’t expect on it. OR WORSE: I heard comments like, “Well, I knew I’d find THAT person on it.” And to me? That comment? Is one that really bothers me. Because that means this person’s marriage has been discussed before in your world. And you have no problem being publicly candid about your opinions about that marriage. We all know marriages in jeopardy, but to reference that in a public manner just seems to be dumping unnecessary negative energy into the universe.

This has been eating at my brain for days and then – funnily – several of my Christian friends posted on Facebook about how they’re unhappy seeing delight or judgement in people reading these lists. Lots of reminders of people not to cast stones if they’re not without sin and I stood up and screamed a loud, “AMEN!”

I was liking posts about judgement and forgiveness from my Christian friends all over Facebook yesterday. YES. Let’s not judge! YES. Let’s not forget about the power of forgiveness and YES. Let’s MIND OUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

Okay, maybe none of them said exactly that, but there were mentions of things being worthy of God’s attention, but not ours. So why don’t we make sure our own hands are clean before we talk about how dirty someone’s else’s are.


I just don’t see the fascination. Maybe it’s because I have seen the pain infidelity cause up close. (In a past life, many moons ago.) Maybe it’s because I can’t find anything about that funny or entertaining. Maybe because I don’t want to know if my neighbor signed up for that website because I like having relationships with people and not aware of their dirty laundry. Maybe because I’m hiding a whole crap load of dirty laundry and I don’t want people thinking about that every time they talk to me.

I have given up on all expectation of privacy in today’s age. Not that I don’t think I deserve it, I do, but I’ve given up on thinking it can be a reality. I just don’t anymore. The most I can do is to give other people their privacy but not scrolling through lists of hacked data. I’m hearing a lot of “well, they shouldn’t have signed up if they didn’t want people to know,” and that’s unfair. Have you ever bought p0rn? (Another google term I don’t want linked to my blog. It’s already blocked by some military contractors, I’d rather it not be blocked in general.) Maybe sex t0ys? Do you need a prescription for an STD? Not that any of these things should cause you shame, but they are private things you might not want the whole world to know. Somewhere, someone has information stored on you in digital form on you and your habits and it’s not necessarily anything bad, but it’s stuff you’d like to remain PRIVATE. What if that list got hacked? Would you then regret scrolling through the hacked Ashl3y M@dison list?

I don’t worry about humanity after terrorist attacks because there are a LOT of humans on this planet who would never do anything that terrible. I do, however, worry about humanity when I see so many average people jokingly searching through lists for people they know, and then casting judgements on the masses of people on that list. I’m hoping they didn’t think about how terrible it would be to actually SEE a dead body when they’re rubbernecking on the highway. What if you find your Dad on that list? Or your boss? Or your preacher? Then will you find it funny? Once you see a dead body, you can’t unsee it. So why don’t we all just keep our eyes on the road and send positive energy in the form of thoughts and prayers out into the universe and hope that the family and friends of the people involved in that wreck, find the peace they need.

My Brain Has Officially Stopped Working

This week has been all sorts of insane. I started a new job to supplement my old job dropping to an “on call” type of status. We are still trying to sell our house and had our first showing. Donnie has had some work issues keeping him out late two nights. I started a triathlon training class. I’ve just been frazzled beyond belief and several things yesterday proved it.

  • I tried to turn off of a bridge taking the kids to school, getting in the wrong turn lane to drop them off.
  • I then headed home and forgot I needed to go to my new job until I pulled into my driveway.
  • Then I made a wrong turn getting to my new job and ended up trapped in a parking lot with “permitted access only” just trying to get to the right road.
  • I tried to control my phone with the trackpad on my laptop.
  • I forgot dog food for the 90th time. My poor dog is going to starve to death.

I’m just tired and adjusting to a new’ish schedule while 90 other things are going on is making all of my brain cells misfire and cease working. It’s like the neurons for normal behavior are taking a break so the ones for learning new equipment (my new job requires I use a fun 3D scan/camera) and making long commutes and showering – all things I’m not used to – can use all of the energy. My brain is basically so busy trying to make it to work across town that I forget how to use my phone.

So today’s entry is here as a notification if I’ve missed anything important or forgotten anything or done anything stupid – this is my excuse. This week has just been chaotic, to say the least. I apologize to anyone and everyone who I’ve neglected.

It takes a lot out of me to have to shower every day.


Remember when I used to brag about how well I slept? I mean, I woke up consistently early on my own with no alarm, but this was easily balanced out by going to bed at 8pm. I consistently got 8 hours of sleep every night. I was awesome.

And then, over the summer, we started staying up later. Like until 9pm or so. And I was still getting up around 4am so my sleep was dropping to 7 hours or less. But still! Some nights I went to bed at 8 and still got my 8 hours, but 7 is still pretty good! Right?

And then school started back up and having to get everyone up and ready early shifted my brain a bit and I started waking up around 3:30am. And this was rough because this brought me UNDER 7 hours consistently and y’all? I had been spoiled. 7 hours or more is required to keep me functioning. I know I’m the only adult in the world who gets 7-8 hours sleep regularly but SLEEP IS IMPORTANT. I NEED SLEEP.

So now with 9pm-10pm bedtimes and 3-3:30am wake up times I was LUCKY to get 6 1/2 hours sleep. And this was not pretty.

AND THEN THE DAMN TIME CHANGED and y’all? I started waking up FOR GOOD FOR THE DAY, before 3am. Which had me – if I was lucky – getting 6 hours of sleep every night. And this was NOT acceptable. And I’ve been complaining about this CONSTANTLY.


6 hours in a row would be LUXURIOUS.

But, no.

For the last 3 nights I’ve woken up around 11:30pm – WIDE AWAKE. Or midnight if I go to bed at 9pm. WIDE AWAKE. Basically, I got to sleep and THREE HOURS LATER I WAKE UP.

I even took melatonin last night and it usually gives me GOOD sleep.

But no. I woke up around midnight and just did some work.

And I hate myself and my life.

This is all your getting out of me today. I know it’s the suckiest entry whining about sleep but y’all? THIS IS INSANE.

How long do you go with this kind of insane sleep schedule before you call your doctor? Because three days in and I’m already thinking I need to be institutionalized.

Of course, it doesn’t help that Nikki has been fighting headaches on a pretty regular basis with this seasonal shift and Wesley is still waking up with leg/foot cramps. (Although – recently – he’s waking when I’m awake so NO BIG DEAL!)

Anyway – it’s 3am and I’m feeling tired again so I may try to get some more sleep. Give me some advice, will you?

Miscellany Grumblecakes

Yesterday was SUCH a Monday.

First! Parent/Teacher conference with Wesley’s teacher where I learned – quiet shockingly – that he did AWFUL on his standardized tests recently. AWFUL. His reading score was in the “Urgent Intervention” category which is INSANE because he has entered that “reading” phase much earlier than E or even Nikki did. He’s reading EVERYTHING now. Of course she IMMEDIATELY calmed me pointing out that it only took him TWO MINUTES to take the test. So, you know, he just doesn’t give a shit. It’s much easier to teach someone to read than it is to teach them to give a shit.

Had a birthday lunch with Nikki which was actually quite wonderful, but then – of course – tripped in the parking lot going out to the car afterwards. BECAUSE…MONDAY.

Then I got the headache from HELL that afternoon – 3-4 hours of headache. I had to “cook dinner” (it wasn’t much “dinner” so I do use that loosely) around 4:45 because we had swim from 5:30 to 6:45 and then soccer from 7-8. (There was a reason we swore to not do two sports at once – THIS IS WHY.)

And it just felt like a general level of chaos which is the WORST because Monday’s are already insane emotionally, I need them to stabilize as much as possible. But nope! Not yesterday!

So – as you can tell by this featured image (If the image is blocked at work? The picture is ME EATING DONUTS) my new plant-based stance does not hold strong on my most stressful days. I’m still falling off the Krispy Kreme Donuts In The Publix Parking Lot wagon. That’s how you know I’m REALLY stressed. Herbivore OUT…Stress Eating Krispy Kreme Addict In.

Exhausted Zoot Bounces Annoyingly Back and Forth Between Third Person and First Person Narration.

photo (4)I’m still not sleeping well, by the way. For example, I finally fell asleep a little before 10pm last night (I used to fall asleep closer to 8pm) and woke up at 2am this morning. Since “lack of sleep” was a weird motivation to trying to go vegan, you’d think I’d just start with the meat and the cheese already. But, I’m happy with other things, so I’m sticking with it.

This is new to me though, the whole not-sleeping-well thing. And I have to remind myself of it often. I’ve been feeling depressed lately, which is unusual for me as I’m more of the Mind-Numbing Anxiety type of emotional turmoil, not the Depression and Sadness type. I mean, the depression and sadness comes and goes, but it’s usually overshadowed by the anxiety. But not now. Zoot without sleep is depressed. (Zoot without sleep is also not good with typos or spelling, so pardon all of those things in this blog entry.)

I have to say to myself, “It’s because you are NOT SLEEPING.” Otherwise, I start really feeling overwhelmed by how pointless it all seems.

For example, lately? Exhausted Zoot has been super-depressed about the issue of gay marriage in my community and the state of Alabama. While I tried to find hope in case #3 going against the ban in the state supreme court, I have been reminded not to get my hopes up. For good reason, but still. That depresses me, that my friends who stand with me in the fight for equality – they have to remind me that there’s no way any judge at the level will rule in favor of gay marriage. But they’re right. And then periodically Facebook will tell me “So-in-so liked this article” and it’s a religious article providing more support for why Gay Marriage Is Wrong and I get sad because my friend liked that article. Or I read a thread where the discussion is civil, I’m not friends with anyone (I hope) who just outright thinks all gays should be stoned, but still – so many of my peers stand by it continuing to be illegal and I just feel hopeless. You hope your children will have a better future, but then you go several weeks without good sleep and you see that a friend thinks that gay marriage is harmful to society and suddenly you wonder why you even bother. Exhausted Zoot gets very hopeless very quickly. But I need to remind myself: ZOOT IS EXHAUSTED. CHILL OUT.

And then Exhausted Zoot reads about a blogger who feels shame and not using her words when she should and Exhausted Zoot becomes very disappointed in blogger Zoot. Blogger Zoot never talks about racism either. There are a lot of things Blogger Zoot never talks about. Like how she is staunchly pro-choice and is grateful that when she needed that choice, the laws were actually more in favor for that than they are now. Blogger Zoot doesn’t talk about how frustrated she gets that if you support any sort of legislation that might enforce a small bit of regulation on how a person gets a gun, or what kind of gun they get, that you immediately are against the 2nd amendment. Zoot loves the second amendment! Zoot up in a house with guns and raised by a hyper-responsible gun owner! But Blogger Zoot can’t talk about any legislation she might support that slightly reduces the availability of some guns, or the ease to get some guns, or she will be raged on for being against the second amendment. WHY IS THERE NO GRAY AREA ANYMORE?

Blogger Zoot never speaks out about those things because Blogger Zoot gets scared about upsetting people but now Exhausted Zoot reads that Dooce article and is disappointed in herself and depressed I have to remind myself again: ZOOT IS EXHAUSTED. CHILL OUT.

And then Exhausted Zoot gets sad because she becomes an exponentially worse parent and worse wife when she’s tired. I woke up at 2am, WIDE AWAKE, and sat there thinking about all of the ways I screwed up yesterday. Because I lost my patience and was tired and was stressed and all of those failures had me looking at my entire life’s work as a parent and Exhausted Zoot came to the conclusion that she is the worst parent in the world. EVER. And I feel sad and guilty and wondering if my kid’s are going to ever be able to overcome all of my dreadful parenting to live happy, healthy, and productive lives. But then I shake my head a bit, slap myself in the face and say, out loud: ZOOT IS EXHAUSTED. CHILL OUT.

Exhausted Zoot is disappointed she has yet to read those Non-Fiction books that she got at the library. Endless YA Fiction is not going to make her smarter. Exhausted Zoot is disappointed that she hasn’t mowed the grass yet. Or put up the laundry. Exhausted Zoot is basically living in a world of disappointment and sadness and can’t seem to see anything clearly without a cloudy mist of gray over everything. Luckily, I know it’s because I’m exhausted that everything is so tainted, but STILL. Knowing that doesn’t seem to dilute the feelings of hopelessness and sadness.

It’s hard when you’re just tired all the time. It’s hard to be rational. I had been avoiding taking any sort of sleep aids because I really need to get up early to try to get work in before the kids wake up, and sleep aids often mess with my natural biorhythms. But, I think I’ve reached the point that the emotional damage Exhausted Zoot is inflicting on Hard-Working and Happy Zoot, far outweighs the damage any sleep aid might do.

Rational Zoot is still there. I’m constantly reminding myself: Vegan for 10 days! Bike rides to the library with the kids! 3-mile fun runs with Nikki! Tons of progress with big projects at work! The clothes are clean even if they are all still in the laundry room! Books are being read, even if they aren’t about theoretical physics! But Rational Zoot only chants those things for about 15 seconds every hour because SHE IS SO F*CKING TIRED.

Here’s to A) Making it through today without falling asleep and B) Dosing up with sleep aids tonight in an effort to try to regain my sanity. Even if it has me miss my early morning run I need tomorrow.