Just Call Me Insaneabella McCrankyPants

Donnie has been working late every night for like…DECADES it feels. It’s me, on my own, every night and I am grumpy about it. It’s not the solo parenting thing – I do most of the evening tasks even if he is here – it’s just being LONELY. I just like having another grown-up to talk to at night. Besides myself. Which I’m doing plenty of because I AM LONELY. But when I’m talking to myself I’m mean to myself because I’m also GRUMPY. I’m a lonely grumpy lady who is just spewing negativity to everyone in her family because THERE ARE NO DONUTS IN THIS HOUSE. I NEED DONUTS.

Also – we saw the sun for the first time yesterday in at least 100 years. Gray days make me grumpy.

I also have all these things I want to be doing: Finishing my book, working on a new website, taking some photos, finishing up a birthday present for a family member whose birthday is WAY TOO SOON and I’m never going to get it finished. Also? Contractor coming on Friday to give us estimates on big projects for the house before we try to sell again. I know – many say don’t spend too much if you’re just trying to sell – but the thing is, if it takes awhile we want to be less crazy than we were last time and these projects will help so! Two birds! One grumpy stone.

I’ve been sooooo stressed which makes me sooooo grumpy even if my husband came home for things other than just to sleep. I get really grumpy when I don’t feel like there’s enough time to do everything I need to do. I get in like: FULL ANXIETY MODE which means my smile disappears permanently and a scowl takes over along with no patience the proliferation of snarky guilt trips on everyone around me. I’m eating terrible even without the donuts in the house and that makes me MORE grumpy because my mood and my food choices go hand-in-hand. Eat terrible food? In terrible mood. So I’m doubling up on the cranky factor by stuffing my face with horrible food choices.


But there’s going to be SUN today and I need a reset. I’m going to try to do that thing where I force myself to smile more because the GRUMPY FACE IS GOING TO GET STUCK IF YOU DON’T, YOUNG LADY.

I don’t even know what’s happening here anymore. What was the point of this post? I don’t even remember.


This is riveting material.

Also – I woke up late this morning. I woke up at 2:55am and THAT IS LATE. AND I SOMETIMES HATE MY LIFE.

Not really. I’m a morning person. This is my morning. I don’t hate it. But on paper? It looks terrible.

So – I’m already late so my efforts to wane the Grumpiness might be off to a bad start.

Let me get my coffee. It’s done brewing.

Y’all. I tried to take a picture of my coffee to use in this already RIVETING entry and I spent 15 minutes just trying to take it and then get it to my computer and THIS IS JUST MAKING ME MORE LATE.


But you have to admit. This insane stream of consciousness entry is much better with photo evidence, right?

I’m almost 100% certain this is the quality of entry the inventors of National Blog Posting Month were hoping to see when they challenged bloggers to write every day. IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS, PEOPLE.

So. Where were we? I’ve been grumpy because my husband has been working too much and there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything I want or even NEED to do. But today? Today I’m going to try to be LESS grumpy. And smile more. So my face doesn’t get stuck in this frown.

The End.

(Please don’t leave forever. I promise I’ll write something better tomorrow.)

(No, I don’t. I make no promises of the quality of entries you’ll see during NaBloPoMo. But please come back anyway.)


The One Where I Team Up With My Christian Friends.

I wrote a wordy post on Facebook yesterday about how I feel about this whole Ashl3y M@dison client/customer leak. (I’m not using the exact name because GOD FORBID I end up on a google search page for the list.) And the more I think about it, the more I feel I didn’t use all the words I wanted to use and this…my friends…is why I have a blog.

I know there are people out there who – for entertainment value – just sat scrolling through lists (especially when they started getting posted for individual states) to see if they knew anyone on them. Or specifically searching for people they knew. And as a very light-hearted, not-well-thought-out task, I guess part of me can see how you mind end up doing it. It’s a wreck-on-the-highway response. If you stopped and thought “Do I really want to see a dead body?” you probably wouldn’t look, but your instinct is to look before you think it through.

But I’ve seen all sides of infidelity intimately and it is an ugly, ugly thing that has many facets and complications and causes pain in wide ripples from the centerpoint. There is no part of me that wants to know if my neighbor or my doctor or my mayor was on that list. And even if that person was on that list, does that mean they cheated? And if they did does that mean I’m better than them somehow because I’ve been faithful to my husband?


It’s funny, this frenzy of search and commenting has been bugging me since the list was leaked and I started hearing whispers of people finding names they didn’t expect on it. OR WORSE: I heard comments like, “Well, I knew I’d find THAT person on it.” And to me? That comment? Is one that really bothers me. Because that means this person’s marriage has been discussed before in your world. And you have no problem being publicly candid about your opinions about that marriage. We all know marriages in jeopardy, but to reference that in a public manner just seems to be dumping unnecessary negative energy into the universe.

This has been eating at my brain for days and then – funnily – several of my Christian friends posted on Facebook about how they’re unhappy seeing delight or judgement in people reading these lists. Lots of reminders of people not to cast stones if they’re not without sin and I stood up and screamed a loud, “AMEN!”

I was liking posts about judgement and forgiveness from my Christian friends all over Facebook yesterday. YES. Let’s not judge! YES. Let’s not forget about the power of forgiveness and YES. Let’s MIND OUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.

Okay, maybe none of them said exactly that, but there were mentions of things being worthy of God’s attention, but not ours. So why don’t we make sure our own hands are clean before we talk about how dirty someone’s else’s are.


I just don’t see the fascination. Maybe it’s because I have seen the pain infidelity cause up close. (In a past life, many moons ago.) Maybe it’s because I can’t find anything about that funny or entertaining. Maybe because I don’t want to know if my neighbor signed up for that website because I like having relationships with people and not aware of their dirty laundry. Maybe because I’m hiding a whole crap load of dirty laundry and I don’t want people thinking about that every time they talk to me.

I have given up on all expectation of privacy in today’s age. Not that I don’t think I deserve it, I do, but I’ve given up on thinking it can be a reality. I just don’t anymore. The most I can do is to give other people their privacy but not scrolling through lists of hacked data. I’m hearing a lot of “well, they shouldn’t have signed up if they didn’t want people to know,” and that’s unfair. Have you ever bought p0rn? (Another google term I don’t want linked to my blog. It’s already blocked by some military contractors, I’d rather it not be blocked in general.) Maybe sex t0ys? Do you need a prescription for an STD? Not that any of these things should cause you shame, but they are private things you might not want the whole world to know. Somewhere, someone has information stored on you in digital form on you and your habits and it’s not necessarily anything bad, but it’s stuff you’d like to remain PRIVATE. What if that list got hacked? Would you then regret scrolling through the hacked Ashl3y M@dison list?

I don’t worry about humanity after terrorist attacks because there are a LOT of humans on this planet who would never do anything that terrible. I do, however, worry about humanity when I see so many average people jokingly searching through lists for people they know, and then casting judgements on the masses of people on that list. I’m hoping they didn’t think about how terrible it would be to actually SEE a dead body when they’re rubbernecking on the highway. What if you find your Dad on that list? Or your boss? Or your preacher? Then will you find it funny? Once you see a dead body, you can’t unsee it. So why don’t we all just keep our eyes on the road and send positive energy in the form of thoughts and prayers out into the universe and hope that the family and friends of the people involved in that wreck, find the peace they need.


My Brain Has Officially Stopped Working

This week has been all sorts of insane. I started a new job to supplement my old job dropping to an “on call” type of status. We are still trying to sell our house and had our first showing. Donnie has had some work issues keeping him out late two nights. I started a triathlon training class. I’ve just been frazzled beyond belief and several things yesterday proved it.

  • I tried to turn off of a bridge taking the kids to school, getting in the wrong turn lane to drop them off.
  • I then headed home and forgot I needed to go to my new job until I pulled into my driveway.
  • Then I made a wrong turn getting to my new job and ended up trapped in a parking lot with “permitted access only” just trying to get to the right road.
  • I tried to control my phone with the trackpad on my laptop.
  • I forgot dog food for the 90th time. My poor dog is going to starve to death.

I’m just tired and adjusting to a new’ish schedule while 90 other things are going on is making all of my brain cells misfire and cease working. It’s like the neurons for normal behavior are taking a break so the ones for learning new equipment (my new job requires I use a fun 3D scan/camera) and making long commutes and showering – all things I’m not used to – can use all of the energy. My brain is basically so busy trying to make it to work across town that I forget how to use my phone.

So today’s entry is here as a notification if I’ve missed anything important or forgotten anything or done anything stupid – this is my excuse. This week has just been chaotic, to say the least. I apologize to anyone and everyone who I’ve neglected.

It takes a lot out of me to have to shower every day.


Remember when I used to brag about how well I slept? I mean, I woke up consistently early on my own with no alarm, but this was easily balanced out by going to bed at 8pm. I consistently got 8 hours of sleep every night. I was awesome.

And then, over the summer, we started staying up later. Like until 9pm or so. And I was still getting up around 4am so my sleep was dropping to 7 hours or less. But still! Some nights I went to bed at 8 and still got my 8 hours, but 7 is still pretty good! Right?

And then school started back up and having to get everyone up and ready early shifted my brain a bit and I started waking up around 3:30am. And this was rough because this brought me UNDER 7 hours consistently and y’all? I had been spoiled. 7 hours or more is required to keep me functioning. I know I’m the only adult in the world who gets 7-8 hours sleep regularly but SLEEP IS IMPORTANT. I NEED SLEEP.

So now with 9pm-10pm bedtimes and 3-3:30am wake up times I was LUCKY to get 6 1/2 hours sleep. And this was not pretty.

AND THEN THE DAMN TIME CHANGED and y’all? I started waking up FOR GOOD FOR THE DAY, before 3am. Which had me – if I was lucky – getting 6 hours of sleep every night. And this was NOT acceptable. And I’ve been complaining about this CONSTANTLY.


6 hours in a row would be LUXURIOUS.

But, no.

For the last 3 nights I’ve woken up around 11:30pm – WIDE AWAKE. Or midnight if I go to bed at 9pm. WIDE AWAKE. Basically, I got to sleep and THREE HOURS LATER I WAKE UP.

I even took melatonin last night and it usually gives me GOOD sleep.

But no. I woke up around midnight and just did some work.

And I hate myself and my life.

This is all your getting out of me today. I know it’s the suckiest entry whining about sleep but y’all? THIS IS INSANE.

How long do you go with this kind of insane sleep schedule before you call your doctor? Because three days in and I’m already thinking I need to be institutionalized.

Of course, it doesn’t help that Nikki has been fighting headaches on a pretty regular basis with this seasonal shift and Wesley is still waking up with leg/foot cramps. (Although – recently – he’s waking when I’m awake so NO BIG DEAL!)

Anyway – it’s 3am and I’m feeling tired again so I may try to get some more sleep. Give me some advice, will you?


Miscellany Grumblecakes

Yesterday was SUCH a Monday.

First! Parent/Teacher conference with Wesley’s teacher where I learned – quiet shockingly – that he did AWFUL on his standardized tests recently. AWFUL. His reading score was in the “Urgent Intervention” category which is INSANE because he has entered that “reading” phase much earlier than E or even Nikki did. He’s reading EVERYTHING now. Of course she IMMEDIATELY calmed me pointing out that it only took him TWO MINUTES to take the test. So, you know, he just doesn’t give a shit. It’s much easier to teach someone to read than it is to teach them to give a shit.

Had a birthday lunch with Nikki which was actually quite wonderful, but then – of course – tripped in the parking lot going out to the car afterwards. BECAUSE…MONDAY.

Then I got the headache from HELL that afternoon – 3-4 hours of headache. I had to “cook dinner” (it wasn’t much “dinner” so I do use that loosely) around 4:45 because we had swim from 5:30 to 6:45 and then soccer from 7-8. (There was a reason we swore to not do two sports at once – THIS IS WHY.)

And it just felt like a general level of chaos which is the WORST because Monday’s are already insane emotionally, I need them to stabilize as much as possible. But nope! Not yesterday!

So – as you can tell by this featured image (If the image is blocked at work? The picture is ME EATING DONUTS) my new plant-based stance does not hold strong on my most stressful days. I’m still falling off the Krispy Kreme Donuts In The Publix Parking Lot wagon. That’s how you know I’m REALLY stressed. Herbivore OUT…Stress Eating Krispy Kreme Addict In.