Eating My Feelings.

I haven’t talked about my fitness/health in awhile. The scale keeps clicking up and I keep not exercisng. Today, it said 170 for the first time outside of a pregnancy. That’s a 25lb weight gain in ONE YEAR. I’ve never been this heavy (remember – I’m only 5’2″) and not pregnant. Ever. And if I was active and eating right and 170, I could love this body. Some days in some outfits I like this body, but since I can’t afford to buy all new clothes most of my clothes are too tight and very unflattering so most days I hate this body.

But the problem is, the body is not even the slightest bit healthy.

I still have this terrible cough (My doctor is feeling like it might be me developing asthma – which – I didn’t know that could happen) that got worse again last weekend. So my motivation to run has not existed as any time I’m in the cold and breathing hard my cough gets bad. I’ve been eating like CRAP lately. I had chips and dip for breakfast Tuesday. CHIPS AND DIP FOR BREAKFAST.

I’m trying not to be too hard on myself because my mental health has been in the toilet and I can only really focus on one thing at a time, but when I’m not being stubborn I know that when I eat right, my mental health is better. But most days I’m stubborn and that idea pisses me off because it’s one of those ideas that people who don’t struggle with anxiety or depression will say: “Well, you know exercise and a good diet can really help with depression!” But it is SO HARD to make good food decisions when your brain says, “But right now you are really really sad and chips and dip make you happy.” BECAUSE THEY DO MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

And I’m drinking too much beer, I’ve become really dependent on the Beer When I Get Home because it means my day is over and I can disconnect from the world and hide in a book or on the couch with sitcoms. So, that beer is like a MUST HAVE which was okay during soccer season when my days ended at like 8pm, but now my days end at around 5:30pm so I have that beer at 5:30 and then – well – there’s so much more time left! So now I always have TWO beers and some nights I even have a THIRD and y’all – that is TOO MUCH BEER to be drinking on the regular. THAT IS FIVE HUNDRED CALORIES OF BEER EVERY NIGHT. What the hell, Kim?

And I’m embarrassed by all of this because I’ve been twisted by bad messaging (as we all have) and I can’t help but look at every pound as a sign of weakness. As a sign of failure. This body is not ugly but it reminds me how far I’ve fallen and how sad I’ve been and it’s hard to start taking care of the body when some days my mind is still a mess.

But I have to do something. 25lbs in one year is unhealthy and since the scale keeps clicking up there’s nothing that says the weight gain won’t stop here.

I do want to make this clear: I don’t always hate the look of this body. I have a dress that I got at Ross that show off the curves on this body and if I’m in a good headspace and wearing that dress I can love my body. But I don’t love the body because I’m not taking care of it and I do know mental health and physical health are very intertwined together and I know I’m always a little bit more stable mentally if my body is feels healthy and right now my body feels terrible and my mental health is in the shitter so something has to be done.

I don’t know the answer. I think I’ll start with just writing down everything I eat and drink. Maybe if I have to write down, “1 entire medium cheese pizza” as my lunch I’ll avoid eating the whole thing in one sitting. The hard thing is that to do anything even remotely off “auto pilot” then my mental health has to be in line. When I’m in the “dark zone” of my mental health everything is just automatic, I just do what require the least amount of thought in that moment because thinking to much sends me down a dark spiral. So, forcing myself to take a moment to write down food may not be possible because it pulls me out of my “safe” auto path and forces me to think outside the auto pilot zone and lately that’s not been a good place for my brain to go.

DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

Anyway. I’m going to try to see if I can do that and not feel 100% worse about my life. I’m just writing stuff down. I’m not going to make any changes to my diet or routine, I’m not saying “No more beer!” or “Only 1500 calories!” or anything like that. No rules except to write it down. One habit at a time. If I can make that part of my “auto pilot” routine then maybe it will help me make better decisions without spending too much time thinking about my own misery.

Thanks for letting me rattle on. Here’s to stopping this weight gain train before I bust out of the few articles of clothing I can still squeeze myself into.