I’m tired after work, y’all. Even on the best of days when I had a full 8+ hours of restful sleep…I still get up around 4am so by the time I get home in the early evening I’m done. I’m out. It takes everything out of me not to curl up in bed right after our 5:30PM dinner.
I have to play tricks on myself. The only working TV in our house is in our bedroom so I used to sit in bed and watch it but I’ve learned this is a TERRIBLE IDEA. Because they I do go to bed before 7pm. Now I sit in the uncomfortable rocking chair that forces me to get up periodically and do some chore or something to keep my back from cramping up.
But lately I’ve not been sleeping well. I’ve been more restless than usual. I’ve had a hard time getting to sleep which is unusual as well. So now? In the evenings? I’m like a zombie.
And by “evenings” I mean, like, 6pm.
All of this is to tell you that I’m a TERRIBLE Mother at night. Both of my kids require kid-gloves. They both have emotional challenges that mean I have to analyze every word out of their mouth and then analyze my words and actions as a response to keep one from falling into an anger spiral and the other from having a panic attack. Parenting is exhausting and I have no energy for it in the evenings lately. NONE. I’m doing a huge disservice to my kids but – you know – I’m also human so I’m trying to be too ashamed.
Last night was a night where I really needed all of my patience and energy and I had none and it was as terrible as you can imagine. Both kids had breakdowns and it was due to my lack of focus and energy and I handled the breakdowns terribly and it was just a giant mess. Donnie came home and I remembered I needed to get the kids some cough medicine so I went to Publix to pick up JUST THAT ONE THING.
But I was having a TERRIBLE night.
What do I usually do in that situation?
6-pack of Krispy Kremes eaten in my car and the box disposed of before I got home.
And usually I buy some beer for the house. Donnie even asked me to buy him beer but I said, “Listen, I’ve had a bad day and I’ve not had any beer all week and if I buy YOU beer I’ll drink it so can I wait and just get beef for you this weekend?”
But the donuts…that was a decision I had to make AT THE STORE.
And I bought peaches instead.
And I came home and made one of my favorite treats: Fresh peaches with some preserves spread over them.
It was still a bad night. I didn’t find any energy or patience at Publix to purchase. I was still emotional incapable of being the parent my kids needed…BUT!
At least I didn’t add a big whopping serving of Eating and Drinking My Feelings on top of that, right?
It honestly wasn’t even too much of a struggle. I’ve been logging my food again which is a good habit to be in but it’s so tedious and I hate it so I usually don’t do it. But I know without out a doubt if I stick to it, it helps me focus on eating WELL instead of just stuffing my face with whatever numbs the pain.
And I’ve had four really good days and had no desire to ruin that stretch so avoiding the donuts wasn’t so difficult.
But I’m proud. And after a terrible night of exhausted parenting, I need something to be proud of.
EEK. I got up, made another cup of coffee and came back and realized THAT IS A TERRIBLE WAY TO END A BLOG ENTRY. You all are going to feel compelled to make me feel better so let me say one more thing:
I have the luxury of having had one really easy child so I’m well aware that some kids take more energy than others and when I’m not in the middle of FEELING LIKE A TERRIBLE PARENT, then I know I’m doing a respectable job. So this morning I’m not as down on myself as I was last night. Mainly I’m just frustrated I can’t sleep better and that my body things 3:30am is the best time to have ALL OF THE POSITIVE ENERGY! My kids never see that side of me because they’re still in bed. Nighttime Kim is kinda useless. MORNING KIM IS AMAZING!
So I’m not feeling as bad about myself this morning as I was last night. Let’s just hope tonight can be a No Donut night AND a Good Parenting night. WOULDN’T THAT BE NICE?