Addicted To Blogging.

It’s hard to open this blog up every morning to write, and yet not write about what’s bogging down my soul. I know this smells of subtweeting and I hate to be like that, but I just need to make sure I express why I haven’t been as consistent about blogging like I have been for the past 13 years. I open up the “compose” screen and I want to dump out all of the frustrating crap in my head but I can’t because it’s not all my crap to unload and so now I’m faced with the dilemma: How do I process the crap without writing about it?

I always say that writing here every morning is cathartic. It helps me calm the storms raging in my head every day. I have these thoughts and dilemmas and experiences that pile up in my brain and I can’t seem to always process them without putting it here. Putting words to my experiences and my thoughts helps me move past them, and now? I’m just stuck in this weird rut where I’m running in circles in my head, unable to process struggles without my friends in the computer weighing in on it all.

I guess this is the point where I say, “Hello. My name is Zoot and I am addicted to blogging.”

“Hi, Zoot!”

I thought about creating a private Facebook group as some of you suggested, but then that would have me breaking one of my rules of the internet: Don’t trust privacy settings. I would hate it if my need to vent or to gather advice ended up hurting someone I love. It’s just not worth it. I mean, it feels like it would be worth it just to clear my head, but it would most definitely NOT be worth it.

And while I do have a therapist, this is not the kind of thing I talk to her about. Also? She costs money.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t been running as much lately. Not that my running friends need to hear any more about my babbling about my life, but still. The conversations with them on the trails does usually help clear out cobwebs in my brain. I was planning on seeking counsel on my run on Saturday but we had a new person and she did NOT sign up for my special brand of crazy.

I have just come to depend on this space so much that I’m not sure what to do without it. But I want to write every day, it’s just hard to determine what to write about when my brain is overwhelmed with other stuff.

Back in the olden days of blogging I would have done a “Ask Me Anything!” post – but that’s when people still commented on blogs and no one (including myself) does that anymore as we often read from our phones and THAT IS JUST A BIG PAIN IN THE BUTT.

And I feel like I’ve told you all of my stories anyway. I don’t think I have any more secrets here.

Instead? I’ll leave you with this photo which I found while backing up some pics over the weekend. I haven’t seen it since I took it in December 2005. That family, man. They have no idea what’s in store for them. I kinda laugh at their innocence.

The One Where I Publish A Blog Entry About The Blog Entries I Didn’t Publish.

I woke up at 3:15am this morning but don’t need to be at the Y at 5am to run so I have all of the extra time and you know what I did? I wrote two blog entries – long and complex entries – and abandoned them both in the draft folder.

One entry was me trying to vent a little about how we never can make any progress on reducing the number of mass shootings in this country because we’re too busy staking claim on the SIDE of the debate. I’m a peace-loving pacifist and I’ve seen some legislation I won’t support, but we can’t seem to discuss it because you either love guns and hate Obama, or you want to take all the guns away and love terrorists. And complex legislation with amendments added on to appease opponents makes it so that there’s very little that either side could ever fully-support, so we’re basically treading water an never getting anywhere. WE ALL WANT TO REDUCE THE NUMBER OF MASS SHOOTINGS…but we can have reasonable discussions about it because no one will listen to anyone not on their side.

But I abandoned the entry because I couldn’t seem to really work it into a point and it was long and rambling and…DRAFT! Save that for another day.

The second entry had me talking about the different versions of myself. The “TODAY I CHOOSE JOY!” Zoot, the Gray Gloom and Doom Zoot, and the In Between Zoot. But it got a little weird and it was basically me just talking to myself and I couldn’t get the groove going so…DRAFT! Save it for another day.

Basically I had about 90 extra minutes to blog this morning and it’s time for me to click “publish” and all I have is this entry talking about the posts I left in draft.

But then it occurred to me that this is the point. I just sit down every weekday morning (and some weekends) and write because that is how I start my day. Since January of 2004 this has been – more or less – my routine. I have to write, and I have to publish something. It’s such an interesting compulsion, that I’d rather write something about not being able to write anything, than not write anything at all.

So…here is the crappiest entry ever published on this blog. Or the most meta entry I’ve ever published. Sorry neither of the other two entries panned out and that somehow I thought this would be better than either of those.

The Draft Folder

Y’all? I have so many entries in my draft folder it’s ridiculous. I used to maintain my draft folder and either follow-up on entries I had given up on, or delete them. But I do things like I did this morning – spend an hour on an entry – and then decide it wasn’t quite where I wanted it to be, and so I give up.

The implied next words are “for now” but I rarely ever revisit a draft entry. So, I should probably just delete them all. BUT I CAN’T. Because most of them are quite serious and thought provoking and have a lot of my heart in them and I just couldn’t quite get them to the point of “let’s publish this!” so I gave up.

Because I blog like everyone tells you to write. I just sit down and write. Every morning. Some mornings I have planned out entries, others? I just write what first pops into my head. The point though of this exercise is to JUST WRITE and see what comes out. And this morning it was me pontificating on the use of the word “love” by fundamentalist Christians who say they “love” their gay friends and family but who don’t want them in marriages with people they’re attracted to. I wrote like a million words on that, but didn’t click “publish” because I felt like it wasn’t quite right.

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When I went to view it in the Draft Folder I saw I had 163 draft entries and I was like Shit. That’s a lot of unfinished thoughts. I jumped back to the first page of drafts which was from 2011, I guess the last time I kept tabs on my draft folder? And y’all? There was an entry titled Thoughts on ‘Breaking Dawn’. Um…okay…so maybe not all of the entries in the draft folder are deep and thought provoking. Maybe some of them I just didn’t publish because I WAS TRYING TO RETAIN SOME DIGNITY.

There was also one titled In Defense Of The Sponge and I don’t even have the slightest recollection of what that’s about. Were people really hard on sponges in 2011?

Anyway. There’s 163 unpublished entries in that folder and I’m pretty sure at least 1 or 2 had the potential to be something good. Probably not the Breaking Dawn one, and probably not the sponge one, but maybe some of the others! Many were untitled so who knows what those were about. Maybe washcloths! Or New Moon!

So I think I’m going to challenge myself once a week to find one of those entries to publish…after some editing of course. I’m fairly certain none of them are perfect as is. I’ll add a note telling the world that it’s a Draft Folder Reject. Don’t get your hopes up that I pull out the Breaking Dawn one anytime soon, but maybe I’ll tackle the subject of Sponge Shame. That seems pretty serious.

Happy Blog Birthday To Me

Eleven years ago I launched a blog at ACTUALLY – now that I think about it – the first domain was different. (I’m not going to tell you what because, if I remember correctly, when I ditched it…it became an adult site.) And ACTUALLY…I blogged a few months at a Typepad address before setting up my own doman. BUT! For all practical purposes…I’ve been blogging for eleven years. My blog is now starting puberty. She started shaving her legs and wearing deoderant, and now she wants to get her first bra even though she’s no where close to needing one.

It’s funny how much this place has changed in eleven years. I used to care a lot more about how many comments I got, but that was back when people actually commented on blogs. I can do a blog post now that gets read 1000 times and still has no comments. I used to post a lot more junk content…funny pictures from the internet and such. I guess that was before everyone did that on their Tumblr? I used to talk a lot about my reproductive system. A LOT. If you were around during the TTC (trying to conceive) and Habitual Aborter (that was the medical term they gave me that I loved so much because it made me sound like I was addicted to miscarriages) stages of my life, then you probably know more about my uterus than my OB/GYN.

I used to talk a lot about boob sweat because I had a 40-minute commute during the summer when I was pregnant and had no a/c in my car. Now I have no commute and the a/c won’t turn off in the front of the van. I find this “circle of life” incredibly entertaining.

I also used to talk a lot more about entertainment…television and whatnot. It’s not that I stopped watching TV, I still watch a lot of it, but I just don’t write about it as much. I’m not sure I enjoy TV like I used to. I still have my favorite shows that I watch as soon as I can, but I’m not following fan blogs on Tumblr or anything. (Two Tumblr references in one post…I’m totes cool.)

It’s funny…the two things I talk the most about now…Running and Bullet Journals…I wouldn’t have even understood in 2004. I wonder if Zoot of 2004 would have started running or using bullet journals if she had stumbled upon Zoot of 2015’s blog. Maybe the bullet journals, but not the running. I think I needed to get past some of my crippling social anxieties first, in order to brave joining running groups.

There are a lot of people who were blogging back in 2004 that are still blogging today, but the landscape is so very different. The demolition of Google Reader I think was what damaged the landscape the most. I still have never gotten back into using a feed reader. Honestly, I think the way I read blogs the most now is if people post links on Facebook and Twitter.

I’ve been doing a little bit of site maintenance lately. I changed the “Losing My Religion” tab on the menu as a page with a little bit more backstory. It used to just be a link to my “Agnostic Atheist in the South” category. But – if you’re new to this blog and you click that link – that would be a very weird hodgepodge of content. I also changed all of my “links” on this blog to remove the dates. This makes URLs much easier…BUT…that means a lot of my in-site links no longer work. I decided it was worth it in the long run. I’m hoping to change my 404 page to explain that so people can easily find the right link.

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This is my wordpress dashboard that shows my basic stats. I HAVE WRITTEN A LOT OF WORDS OVER THE YEARS. Also – it’s weird that my “Losing My Religion” page got so much traffic. How did you all know that had even been updated? I’m so confused. I just made that page a day or two ago and it’s already been seen over 1000 times? Did it show up on my RSS feeds? Why do I still not understand how my blog works after 11 years?

SO! Is there anything you’d like to see around here? Are you a new reader, is there any information you’re missing? When you were a new reader was there something you wish had been here in terms of information on my About Me page or something? Are there specific topics you enjoy? Are there topics you wish I’d cover?

I know this is like the most boring blog post in the history of blogdome, but I have to do one of these every January to mark another year rambling about boob sweat on the internet.

Do You Like My New Pad?

(Dear people who get email notifications of my blog updates. I apologize preemptively for the excessive emails today. It will only happen today. I PROMISE.)

(Dear everyone else…there will be extra content today! Check back for more awesomeness than usual!)

After weeks of trying to solve this resource problem on my blog…I think we have it under control. First we had them up my hosting package. Then we had them up my resource limits. But this week we decided none of that was going to work and I should move to an entirely different package all together. I tried all night Monday night to get the automated system to migrate my site and it just kept failing. I called yesterday afternoon and they made some changes, optimized my giant database etc, and it STILL failed. So, they took over and decided to do it manually on their end. I got the email saying, “It’s done!” and I got ready to connect the domains only…it wasn’t done. Nothing looked right or worked on the “temp” site so I couldn’t connect the domain. I called AGAIN and I was able to point out one GLARING error that I knew was causing a lot of problems. Then, together, we spent about an hour on the phone – the GoDaddy Tech and I – trying to see what all didn’t migrate correctly. FINALLY, about 10pm last night, we declared victory and I connected my domain to the new hosting spot.


Hopefully we will have NO MORE resource problems. And in celebration, I’m going to post SEVERAL times today. Partly because I’m just excited to be able to think about writing and not think about, “Well…do I want to waste that PRIZED MATERIAL if my blog still isn’t loading right?”

(I mean, I’ve been thinking of Pulitzer Quality content the last few weeks but I couldn’t post it because I was worried the blog would not load!)

(They give Pulitzers for articles about boob sweat, right?)

But I also just want to keep an eye on things. I have 3 posts scheduled to go live today and I may throw some random photo posts in the middle. If you are a subscriber? I AM SO SORRY. I just need to check this whole set up out and make sure it’s all working as well as it’s supposed to be!

Also…while I included the picture of my book tree yesterday, I didn’t show it to you in relation to where I work every day. IT IS AMAZING. This is my office now, which means working just got 100% more enjoyable thanks to an amazing view.


OH! And guess what? THE DEAD BUG ISN’T HERE ANYMORE! Now, is it in the garbage? NO! But it’s closer! I swept my office to take this picture so the dead bug is now in a pile of dirt/hair ready to be swept into a dustpan.

Will that happen? WHO KNOWS!

So! New digs for the blog! Bug-Free office! Book Tree in sight! It’s going to be an amazing day!