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Ug…Morning People…Am I Right?

I got up a little late this morning (4am is late in my world) because I had a late night (I was up until 11pm!) and LOW AND BEHOLD – my husband is sitting at the computer at 3:58am. There was evidently a figurative fire at work that he had to put out. So, he’s working in the spot I’m usually working, and while mornings are my “Zoot Time,” it is very hard not to just start chatting him up like I would if he had just come home from work. I want to tell him how book club went and I want to ask him what Nikki thought of the Flash finale. But I know he’s just trying to complete the task at hand and then HOPEFULLY still have time for more sleep.

But I’m over here thinking, “YAY! ANOTHER HUMAN AT 4AM! LET’S TALK!”

It’s a sign as to how much I love him that I’m trying to just quietly work at my computer and not disrupt his Trying Not To Fully Wake Up So I Can Go Back To Sleep mission.

The Morning Person runs very deep in me. I get up stupid-early because these early hours before I start my day are the BEST. I look to the day ahead like the possibilities are endless and I’m excited about the potential. And this was kinda always the case. I was the one calling my friend’s houses on the weekends long before anyone in their house had actually woken up. I was the first one up in the mornings at slumber parties and family reunions. Even in college when I needed to pull an “all-nighter” I would instead sleep for 3 hours from like 10pm to 1am and then just get up for the day. I was always way better after sleep, at the start of the day, than I was BEFORE sleep at the END of the day.

Donnie has adapted to A) being married to me and B) having hobbies that require early mornings so he can sometimes exhibit Morning Person tendencies. But when given a choice, he’d much rather stay up late and sleep in, whereas I’m the first one to bed every night no matter what.

I also think I would be well suited for a segmented sleep pattern if I could get life to adjust to allow for that. I think I’d do great to sleep from like 9pm to 2am, get up and be productive until like 9am where I would sleep again for 3+ hours before starting the second half of my day. I have these hopes/dreams of some day being able to test out that schedule for a week or more at a time, but so far I’ve not found a work situation that would allow that.

So, for now I try to go to bed around 8pm because I’m almost always up before 4am. Most nights it’s more like 8:30pm to 3:30am which is 7 hours and a good night’s sleep. I need 8, I’m not going to lie, but I can survive on 7.

I think Nikki will be like me. E doesn’t think he is, but he has a crazy life not at all conducive to being a morning person, so I’m not sure he can judge yet. But Nikki? She’s a morning person through and through and Wes is going to be our night owl.

I like life as a morning person, as long as I can stifle the urge to start full-fledged conversations with my husband when he’s up dealing with work issues at 4am.

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Sunday Ramblings

FIRST! Thank you guys for chiming in with your thoughts on the surgeon from my last entry. Obviously my guilt issues run VERY DEEP and maybe I still imprint them on other people accidentally.

SECOND! A former blogger is struggling with addiction and being open about her struggles in her kinda-closed online Facebook circle and it has me thinking a lot about vulnerabilities and relationships. The idea around exposing vulnerability is to create deeper connections. I know that is the idea on paper. But sometimes it’s hard not to expect it to make MORE connections, or to make CURRENT relationships STRONGER. I sometimes think, “I’m being vulnerable! More authentic! More people should connect with me! This should improve all of my relationships!” And yes…on some levels…but that’s not the actual goal.

The goal is that you create or nurture relationships that are deeper if you’re vulnerable. But sometimes, those vulnerabilities expose parts of you that people you have prior relationships with, can’t handle. And that means you can lose a lot of relationships too, and that’s the hard part. Because you’re fragile when you’re exposing vulnerabilities, so losing relationships hurts even more.

I think a lot about conversations I’ve had with friends that have left OR joined churches. If you go from being agnostic to religious – and this is a true exposure of a more “authentic” version of yourself (some people join churches for the “wrong” reasons) – then your relationships you had with non-believers might fracture. And that’s hard. But if you are now open to acknowledging this truth in your heart (some sort of religious commitment) then you have to just have Faith that the relationships you build on that truth will be stronger than the ones you built without it.

I took that angle (Person Joining Church) instead of the more obvious (Person Leaving Church) because – honestly – I’ve had more conversations with people who that happens to when they join a church. I think if you leave a church, it’s probably a gradual process so you’re not just waking up one day and abandoning relationships built on something that doesn’t exist. In my experience, those relationships start to falter as your faith falters.

But many people wake to religion in BIG and DRAMATIC moments so it can present a big change to their current friend group. Especially in the South where there are so many Protestant churches where people commit in big alter calls and to being saved. Many times those people have to give up certain social groups (especially if the church frowns on drinking) so I’ve seen it a lot more in THAT direction where people are “left behind” so to speak.

But I think, if that Saved Christian version of yourself is a more true version (and only you can really know that) then you have to mourn the losses of relationships past, but have faith the ones built with this more “true” version will be strong.

Sobriety and addiction creates similar situations. Once you open up about your journey as an addict, you are going to lose friendships and relationships with people unequipped to go on that journey with you. But the hope is that – by being more honest with who you are – that your future relationships (although often fewer) will be strong.

I hate the word “authentic” lately because it’s so overused. BUT. It’s the RIGHT word to use in a lot of situations. Once I became more honest about things (like, in my case, a lack of religious beliefs) I might have pushed some people away (people who need that religious connection) but the people that remain, our friendships are built on more truths so they’re strong.

I have no idea why I’m rambling this morning. I just read my blogging friend’s struggles and suddenly the words needed to come out. Writing is funny like that. This might be one of those entries I’ll ruminate over more and decide I wrote it too fast and didn’t really give it time to work out in my head. Sometimes that happens. I’ll get this drive to write my thoughts to sort them out and then later I’ll be like, “Nope. Wasn’t quite ripe for consumption yet. Should have left that one on the vine longer.”

And then you people who subscribe via email get to hold on to the (sometimes terrible) entry that many people don’t ever see. Heh. I don’t ever look at the “subscribe” list for this blog because I honestly don’t want to know who all has access to those entries that I end up taking down because often times I find I needed to re-work the ideas more.

Happy a beautiful Sunday. Here’s to authenticity. Even if it is the self-care-word of the day.

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Shaking Things Up

This is Allergy Season for me, the 1-2 months a year where I’m staying at a moderate level of miserable depending on weather and amount of hours outdoors. Because of the weird drainage, I tend to get a cough when I go prone at bedtime. I tried a few nights of sleeping upright on the couch, but it wasn’t working so I’ve been chugging cough medicine every night which is helping me sleep through coughing (sneezing is another story) but I wake up not feeling like I’ve slept at all. It’s weird. I got a good 7 hours or more last night yet I struggled to get out of bed an hour later than usual. COUGH MEDICINE IS TERRIBLE.

Anyway – this week I’ve been weirdly groggy and I’ve had trouble getting going and focusing in the mornings. SO! I shifted things around. Usually I drink all of the coffee, blog, housework, and then shower. This morning I made the coffee but then GOT IN THE SHOWER. WHAT? I showered BEFORE blogging and y’all, I’ll be honest, it feels really weird to be blogging clean.

I also keep feeling like I should be leaving because usually showering is the LAST step of the day, not the FIRST. Now I’m clean for EVERYTHING and I can’t tell if I love it or if it’s really disconcerting. (If you’re seen the featured image of me and my coffee with this post, then you’re seeing the “Clean While Blogging” selfie I posted to document HOW WEIRD this all was.)

I go back and forth on the necessities of routines in my life. When it comes to running I need routines, which I’ve gotten out of since the last bad fall. (Good news: Pain in knee seems significantly reduced today which is good because I’m trying running again tonight!) But sometimes I feel like I use my routines as a weird crutch. Like, if my routine is off I say, “Well – if that’s off then LETS JUST LET EVERYTHING BE OFF!” Any weird shift in a relatively normal routine and I allow myself french fries 4 times a day and cookies around every turn. It’s like I give myself permission to eat ALL of my feelings if a day does not follow an expected routine.

ISN’T THAT WEIRD?

So sometimes I feel like I should intentionally shake things up and challenge myself to still avoid the Eating Of The Feelings which is what I’ve been doing every day since my schedule has been so insane lately. Maybe today will be that challenge! A day to prove to myself that just because the schedule isn’t following an expected pattern, doesn’t mean I can throw all caution to the wind and give up on all efforts to be reasonable with my food intake.

Because I don’t think I’ll ever have a “normal” routine again. The kids are too old with their own extra-curriculars, I have two volunteer jobs, my husband and I are both training for big races, AND we randomly get calls demanding we leave our house (after cleaning it of course) for showings. Truthfully? Every day is just a crapshoot and who knows what is going to happen when. I need to let go of the hope of a routine to follow to keep me within healthy eating habits, and I need to learn to control my emotional urges to binge no matter how insane the day is. Maybe find routine in other ways? Like randomly break into song every three hours? That would be hilarious.

Anyway. So today seems like a good day to give it a try. To recognize there is NO routine any more and I need to accept that and try to still make good choices even amidst the chaos of life.

Bonus Entry From Therapy!

I went to therapy this morning and my therapist introduced me to a concept: Analysis Paralysis. This is when you feel compelled to analyze something so much, you’re almost frozen into inaction and can’t change or shift because you’re so obsessed with analyzing a situation.

So…did anyone read my 1800 words this morning WAAAAAY over-analyzing a simple comment from a Christian acquaintance? Yep…I think I might suffer from Analysis Paralysis. Just maybe.

I found that hilarious and really wanted to share it with you guys, which I figured I’d do in tomorrow’s entry. Then Jessie left this comment on the last entry, “My philosophy, don’t be an asshole and we can be friends.”

Jessie does NOT suffer from Analysis Paralysis. I need to be more like Jessie.

ANYWAY – There was also a funny moment of synchronicity involving stuffed animals but I’ll save that for tomorrow. Today? I just had to pop in with a bonus entry so we could all giggle over the not-so-hidden messages life sometimes gives me: CHILL OUT, Zoot.

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Girl Power

We all have things.

Yes. I know. I’m very profound.

You know what I mean…like my things are: Not Taking Left Turns, Not Using Shampoo, Highly Protective Of My Pens.

They’re the things we tend to spotlight that make us interesting, or quirky, or unique in some way.

We can probably all list cycles of things we went though, especially during our tween/young adult years where having cool things was kind of a necessity. I was The Girl Who Sneezed Loudly and The Girl Who Could Turn Her Feet Backwards. I also went through several fashion phases that could qualify as things: Deadhead, Girl Who Wore Fishnets and Combat Boots, Undercut Girl etc.

One of my things I fell back on a lot – and as far back as second grade – was Girl Who Prefers Guy Friends Over Girl Friends.

Now…let me state for a fact…This Was Never Actually True. It was just a thing I thought made me interesting at certain moments and it certain circles so I would proclaim it like it was true. In second grade I actually fought with my friend Ashley over who was more of a Tomboy and she said she was because I collected stickers and that was NOT a Tomboy thing to do. But I remember us listing off all of our “boy friends” we had because “girls are stupid” or something like that.

And from that point on, when talking to boys, I would often proclaim my distaste for most girls and that I preferred to be friends with boys.

Again: THIS WAS NOT TRUE. I just thought it made me interesting to boys so I wanted it to be true.

NOW…I will say, in general I usually felt more comfortable around boys. I knew a lot about college football and Stephen King and Dean Koontz and I was raised by my Dad and I had a brother and I grew up hiking and camping so at certain points and in certain circles I would have more in common with the boys than with the girls. I tended to be really intimidated by girls and not as much by boys. BUT – I always had friends who were girls, I just didn’t like admitting it, I guess? I don’t know. It was just a thing I felt made me interesting off and on from ages 7 to – well – probably 20ish? I do know even after I split from my first husband I tried to seem cool in a few circles with the whole, “Ew…girls…” schtick and I was 23’ish then. I’m so embarrassed for my past self. GET OVER YOURSELF, KIM FROM THE LATE NINETIES.

quote-female-friendships_17324-7But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the women in my life and how freaking lucky I am to have such and expansive tribe that inspires me in so many ways. I’ve always been blessed with at least one or two strong female friends at certain points in my life, but since 2009 when I really started facing my social anxieties head on and putting myself out in the world…I realize I’ve built myself an arsenal of amazing women that I could call upon for advice or counsel at a moment’s notice.

I don’t know why I was so hesitant to admit female friends are awesome. The few I ever had were always amazing, but I guess it seemed so mundane, or cliche or something. I WANTED TO BE QUIRKY. All of the rom-coms had quirky girls who only had guy friends, RIGHT?

But man, I’m really glad I’ve grown out of being weirdly adverse to admitting my dependency on my female friends. I was struggling with something personally female recently and thought about kinda vocalizing it and it wasn’t: I wish I had someone I could talk to about this…. Instead it was: Which of my amazing female friends should I text? I had so many I could turn to! I ended up just waiting it out but still…it made me realize how lucky I am and how proud I am of finally letting go of trying to be the special little flower who gets along with boys better than girls and just owning the glory of the female friendship and counting my blessings for having so many in my life.