• Look What I Found! Compulsive Behaviors!

    SO! I visited Therapist #2 yesterday and it went well. I don’t think I realized how many reservations I had at Therapist #1 until I left yesterday without those same reservations. We talked a lot about grief and this book (link fixed) is the foundation of the program we’re going to work through. My favorite takeaway was that she talked about grief being something that happens after a loss, BUT, loss isn’t always limited to death. We grieve a lot of things, like lost friendships or lost innocence or lost dreams or lost hopes etc.

    She said we stay in the past a little bit to sort through the hurts that need healing, but then we move FORWARD. She said she doesn’t like “blaming” our current problems on the past but we need to find the real cause of them first so we know how to heal them. I like that idea. That underneath all of my anxiety and sadness there’s just these wounds that we need to heal. I also like the idea that maybe we’re all grieving a little. I mean – I don’t like that we’re all grieving, that would be a shitty thing. “Yay! We’re all sad!” But I like the idea that it’s a similar experience we all share, just over the loss of different things.

    I keep deleting paragraphs guys, because I’m having such a hard time explaining why that takeaway was so profound. But I think I always thought “I’m grieving my Dad!” and never considered maybe there are other losses in my life that I need to grieve too? I don’t know. This is why I’m on the couch and not in the chair. I can’t explain it.

    Just know: I’ve been thinking a lot about it!

    I also told her about a new issue I’ve noticed that I haven’t mentioned to you guys but was definitely a trigger to me seeking help. I’ve started showing some OCD tendencies. Like…this weird compulsion to stack and order things in my sightline. I’ve been doing it with items on my desk at work and I caught myself doing it at a family member’s house recently. Just lining things up in an orderly fashion, or stacking things up neater or something. The act in and of itself is not that weird, but it’s how startling it is that I do it without thinking about it. If I took a moment to think FIRST, I wouldn’t do it because a lot of times it’s stuff that belongs to someone else. DON’T TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE’S STUFF, KIM. But I don’t think about it first, it’s definitely a compulsion that I don’t even recognize until it’s passed and I’ve already stacked or ordered the items in front of me.

    IT IS SO WEIRD, GUYS.

    I’ve always had an affinity for order. Not cleanliness, but order. I like my counters cleared off and my desk organized. I like things to be put in their PLACE, even if that place is covered with dog hair and dust. But this is a new facet and definitely more extreme. It’s so strange.

    BUT – it does push me towards more of a diagnosis of compulsive behavior which means I’m looking at things like my stress-eating in a different light. Like, maybe that is more of a compulsion to have my days fit a certain pattern: BAD or GOOD, than anything. It’s ALL SO VERY INTERESTING!

    I promise not to re-hash every therapy session here, I just wanted you to know this session was better. I was very upfront about needing a new therapist because I got religious counsel from the last one and that was not a good fit. I talked about my goals (“To Stop Eating Donuts While Hiding In My Car”) and that was a nice way to focus on the future. We talked a lot about positivity, about how we want to acknowledge the past and the negative things but that we want to spend more time focusing on the future and positive things and I LIKE THAT.

    Guys. It’s so late. I just looked at the clock 5:24am. My sleep schedule has been so out of whack because of mental health and allergies and house cleaning and obligations and this means my whole days are out of whack and I’m usually done writing my blog post by 4am.

    My point? I hope this girl helps me get my life back together because right now I feel like I’m a flustering mess.

    Here’s to a new day. A new relationship. A new path to healing. And to me maybe catching my OCD tendencies before they become too disruptive.