Bullying Jerkholes, Booger Flavored Jelly Beans, and “Punch Bug Blue – Can’t Get me Back”.

The week summed up in a nice bulleted list because Bullets and Lists? Like Peanut Butter and Jelly. Amen.

    • One should always be careful when yelling “Dont forget your ball!” to your son after his soccer game, that one doesnt inadvertently put the letter “s” on the end of “ball”. It tends to make other boys giggle, while just making your son blush.
    • I love eating Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans. My favorite are the toasted marshmellow flavored jelly beans. And the dirt flavored…yummy. Its like flashback to the world of Zoot, when she was a little girl. Have you tried them? You need to. Its odd how unsettling it is to TASTE dirt, but FEEL jelly bean. I will warn you though, the vomit flavored ones? Triggered my gag-reflex. Hence the name, I guess. They also have ear wax, booger, and sardine. I dont eat those. Oh, and put those tasters on the list of “people who’s jobs, if I had, would cause me to commit suicide”
    • It never makes me smile when someone, like, uh, let’s say…my BOSS, refers to me as “what’s her face”. Kinda’ ruins my dreams of advancement in the company.
    • Evidentally, SOME Mom’s believe that when ANOTHER mom comes to their door to tell them the 13 year old PRICK their daughters are hanging out with is beating up her 9yr old, and her 9yr old neighbor, that they should hide against the wall, and let their daughter answer the door. THEN, those SAME MOMS think that the best way to handle the situation is to mouth “shut the door on her and walk away, shut it, shut the door” while the mother of the 9yr old tries to explain to this PRICK that he needs to pick on someone his own damn size.
    • Also? I think 13 yrs old is the age where my maternal rage isnt intimidating enough to overcome my 5ft 2in stature. Because this PRICK is still bullying my son. The next entry? “What its Like to Go To Jail For Kicking the Shit out of the 13-yr-old Neighborhood Bully”. He’ll learn not to mess with E, once he feels MOMMA Zoot’s fury in good, old-fashioned, ass kickin’, style. Prick.
    • Donnie gets upset when I play “Punch Bug” with him in the car. He said something about not liking being hit while he’s driving, go figure. And E thinks I’m loony for calling it “Punch Bug” instead of whatever the hell he calls it (“Slug Bug”, I think). I just ignore him and continue looking for the next one b/c I AM the Punch Bug Queen.
    • If your husband is a gym-going man who likes to eat a lot of protein – then bringing home a 5lb container of Strawberry Twizzlers will make this conversation happen:

Him Why did you buy that, you know I’ll eat them.
Me But they were on sale, for less than four dollars. Thats less than a dollar a pound.
Him But I’ll EAT them.
Me Okay, uh, do you want me to throw them away, or take them to work?
Him NO. I want to EAT them.
Me Um. What should I do then.
Him Go to hell, I hate you.

  • America heard me bitching last week and finally sent home someone who DESERVES to go home, unlike my sweet Amy. But let me tell you. If it werent for George Tuesday night, I think I might have jumped out my bedroom window, the pain of the performances was so severe. And I? Am the world’s biggest Elton John fan. Like, fo’ REAL DAWG. So – Tuesday night struck chords of RAGE in me as they took turns butchering Sir Elton’s creations. Bastards.
  • There are a bazillion types of chocolate Easter eggs this year. Caramel filled, peanut butter filled, mint creme filled, blah blah blah. Just give me the old fashioned, original, Cadbury Creme Egg thank you VERY much.
  • There are geese at a pond I have passed on my way to work, every day, for almost 3 years now. They, occasionally, like to cross the 5 lanes to sun in the lawn of the National Weather Center across the street (I’m covinced they are trying to hear forecasts). But do you know HOW they cross? The walk. That’s not exciting. But where do they walk? At the intersection. Like they are SUPPOSED to do. Yes siree, these geese obey all pedestrian traffic laws. In 3 years, I’ve never seen one cross anywhere BUT the intersection. Freaky Geese.
  • The best way to get a 9yr old boy out of bed at 5:45am on a day he is OUT of school is to remind him he is spending the day with his NaNa who is always good for The Giant Easter Basket That Ate Manhattan.