And then I cried some more…

I cried myself to sleep around 10pm last night. I was sobbing so hard I think my husband started to worry when he should do something…call someone…shoot me with a tranquilizer dart…something. I woke up around midnight and cried some more. This time even harder, but he’s finally asleep so he doesn’t know he should be worried about me. I’ve not cried this hard since my Dad died. I had forgotten about crying-induced headaches. They’re very real and I very much have one right now. I started writing this around 12:30 but my internet went out and I had to come back to it. As of this writing at 1:46am, the election has officially been declared a victory for Trump.

I can write my thoughts down and it will count as a blog post for NaBloPoMo. That’s something I can hold onto, right?

I have people who are big parts of my life…posting about their joy for President Trump. Do you know how hard that is? The last 8 years have brought healthcare to friends and family abandoned by systems who could deny them coverage, it brought marriage to people denied the right previously, it brought stability after an economic collapse, it brought potential to children of color everywhere who could finally see themselves in the White House. And yet…yet…these people who say they love my gay child…they are celebrating an “end” to those terrible year and excitement and joy over what Trump can bring them.

I am looking at the red/blue map and thinking about begging my friends in blue states to find me a job and help me move there. Before Obama, my goal was to get the f*ck out of Alabama and the South. But after he was elected I was able to enjoy being a liberal voice in a red state…knowing the country was led by MY President. But now? Now I don’t have that balance. Now I feel like I’m knee-deep in red and I need to find a blue oasis somewhere. Can you help? My husband (the one sleeping in the other room, unaware that his wife is losing her shit on the other side of the wall) is a software developer with management skills and I have a web developer/marketing background. Will you hire us in your blue state?

I am sobbing, thinking about how I’m going to talk to my daughter in the morning. How am I going to explain to her that her country just elected an unqualified bully. How am I going to explain that we will not have a Madame President after all?

I texted E last night before crying myself to sleep and when I woke 2 hours later he had responded with a message of love. He’s the one at risk for losing his rights and he’s comforting ME. He is too good for this state and this country.

I know I need to fight. I know I need to stand stronger and taller than ever before. I know the country needs people like me now more than ever, a non-marginalized citizen to fight for those who Trump campaigned against. But it’s hard because I don’t know where to start. And it’s hard because I can’t stop crying.

How do I look at the people celebrating this outcome and not feel pain in my heart? I think the pain was always there. I think knowing they were voting against the things I was fighting for was always painful, but I had the hope of Clinton to help me not look at the pain too deeply. But now? Now the pain is all I can feel and see. And I don’t know how to move past it.

I know this is rambling, but I can’t sleep through the sobbing and the headache and I have decided I’m allowed 24 hours to cry all of the tears and then I have to get my shit together. In the meantime, I’d love any help to move to a blue state, or any help in making a fight plan. Or maybe both. I also need a sedative because there is no part of me that can sleep knowing I have to see the faces of my children in 5 hours and explain this to them.

Love to all of you who were in the trenches with me. Let’s tend to our wounded and rest, and then let’s regroup and make sure that Obama’s legacy is not destroyed, okay? I will be radio silent for awhile, I need some self-care. Please email me (misszoot@gmail.com) if you have anything pressing I need to know about that I might be missing online.

Dear Hillary and President Obama…I’m so very sorry.

37 Comments

  • Lucy McConville

    I’m right there with you…sobbing. I don’t even know you, but reading what you have written these past weeks…I was thinking of you all evening watching the returns. I thought of E. and how sad this might be. I just don’t even know how I will wake my boy up in the morning and tell him the definitive news. He stayed up as long as he could make it. He voted with me today, and pressed that button for HRC. (Sob) I’m just so sad. I’m afraid for our kids who will likely have the next 8 years Republican…and the MOST “right wing” Republican. My boy will be in high school and college during those 8 years. What will his LIFE look like?! How totally messed up will it all be?

    Sigh. Before he went to bed, and was saying, “We’re all going to die…”, I told him that now is the time for us to fight even harder…to stand tall… So, Kim, I guess we have to find that way…you know?

    Anyway…come live here with us in California! Haha. Cost of living ridiculous…but I bet there are tech jobs here. You’d fit in here!

    Thanks for being out there for those of us like-minded. MANY of my FB friends loved your “I’m With Her” post!

    XO, Lucy

    • Zoot

      I just told someone I was trying to decide if I should make “Fight Song” the sound track to the next 4 years or Johnny Cash’s version of “Hurt”. I guess – for the sake of our kids – we go with Fight Song? Here’s to pulling together to build our own wall against racism and xenophobia and classism.

  • Caitlin

    Crying along with you. I’m pregnant and terrified for my child’s future, but infinitely more terrified for people who aren’t white, econically stable Massachusetts residents. Your family’s skills would be appreciated by the job market up here if you could stand the cold. Alternately, with some work and love I believe North Carolina and Georgia will be blue soon. Thanks for posting in the middle of the night, I think the sleep I got between 9:30 and 12:30 is it for me tonight.

    • Zoot

      Like pregnancy is overwhelming enough!

      I read this article just now. The article itself is fine, but this is the part I liked:

      “I often think of something my grandmother said when my family felt horrified at the election of Bill Clinton in 1992. We were die-hard religious fundamentalists, and we believed that if Clinton took office, a deep depravity would surely follow, and God would punish us.

      My grandmother simply laughed: ‘We thought when Kennedy was elected, he would give the country to the pope. And that didn’t happen.’ She believed, deep down, that America would knit itself toward something better — that it almost didn’t matter who was in power, because true power lies in the way we do or don’t take care of each other.”

      I try to remind myself of how many of the people who voted for Trump thought FOR SURE the country was destined for the toilet when Obama won. They were wrong, maybe we will be too?

      • Caitlin

        I really, really hope so. But from where I sit this morning, Trump and Ryan have a lot more power to enact the nightmares of the left than Obama and Clinton ever did to enact the nightmares of the right (the latter were overwhelmingly about things that the Constitution would prevent, while the former can be achieved through legislation and executive action). I have to put my faith in Justice Kennedy as the swing vote and the moral fortitude of the never-Trump Senate Republicans.

  • Janine

    Feeling so bad for you. Woke up this morning, saw the result and my first thought was for you and your family. So sad, for the whole world.
    I cannot offer you a job in a Blue State, but if you want to move to a Liberal Country, think about the Netherlands. People in the Netherlands feel for you! Hugs!!!

    • Zoot

      The Netherlands it is! I’ll be there next week! How hard is Dutch?

      (God. If it were that easy I would seriously do it in a heartbeat.)

      • Nienuh

        Dutch is … pretty hard. And moving away from your loved ones is as well. Stick together with your loved ones, stay positive, and come for a visit!

  • Melissa

    Not a Blue State but come to Atlanta! Your friends and family who voted for Trump betrayed you and your family. They voted for a candidate whose VP believes in conversion therapy for LBTQ+ people. You have every right to feel pain. They are celebrating exclusion. The good news is that their vote and their new president cannot turn the tides of time. We have already moved into a world of globalization, gender fluidity and multiple religions where white straight men are not the majority. Their time has already come and gone. Mourn. Be angry. Cry. Then channel that rage into our continued fight for social justice. You are not alone in that fight.

  • Mary

    I live in an swing state that went red. Beyond that, my county which is always blue, went red. On presidential and local elections. I’m shocked and feel very icky. I went to bed before anything was announced and stupidly checked online while nursing my son at 3am. And wasn’t able to get back to sleep again. This whole thing makes no sense to me. I don’t really know any Trump supporters. Or at least none who were vocal about it. So why???

    • Zoot

      I’ve seen a lot of confusion too – how Clinton did worse than Obama in many key areas. I’m worried that there’s a secret sexism or xenophobia or something that we were blissfully unaware of.

  • Sara

    Sending sympathy from Canada. I haven’t cried (yet) but I’ve been up most of the night, feeling numb, thinking that this is not the world I want my kids to grow up in. I’m devastated that Clinton didn’t win. I pray that the next 4 years will not be as hate filled and awful as we suspect they might be.

  • Carrie

    I cried the whole way to work. I don’t want to have to face anyone IRL today. I live in Virginia, and I’m sooooooo glad we went blue. We have a good market for what you and your husband are looking for. Plus we have lots of trails and a good running community! I suggest looking anywhere around Richmond, Charlottesville, or Northern Virginia!

    • Joanna

      Yes, come to Virginia! We need more blue folk to keep swinging that way. And northern VA where I am has a good job market.
      I am physically ill today. I slept maybe two hours last night. I am forcing myself to eat because I’m pregnant but I’ve been sobbing all day. I have the crying headache and my whole body is in pain. Like you, my family is mostly conservative. I am actually glad I’ll be too pregnant to travel for the holidays bc I can’t handle them right now.
      The one silver lining for me is that my husband is ready to march in the streets – before now he was fairly apathetic about politics. I feel very supported at home.

      • Carrie

        I’m so sorry. And I’m so glad you’re very supported at home. I have a crying headache today too. I was sad yesterday, and today I’m mad. Pissed off. I guess it’s another stage of grief. And I agree, since Virginia is a swing state, we need more blue voters!!!

  • ccr in MA

    I haven’t cried yet; I’m in some sort of numbness. I had a migraine last night, the worst I’ve had in a few years (gosh, I wonder why), and those always leave me out of it anyway, but with this, I can’t quite grasp reality this morning.

    Mass. might have the jobs you need, but the cost of living up here is crazy, just to warn you. I’ve been talking of moving to Florida to be nearer my mother, and perhaps if enough of us do that, we can swing FL next time.

    • Lucy McConville

      Haha! I had that same thought. We should all move to Florida! Or at least spread out some. I live in California…my vote wasn’t needed here.

  • Jen S.

    I have so many mixed emotions this morning. I’m trying to put on a brave, happy face here at work this morning but all I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry. I live in Florida which sadly helped Trump win but luckily I live in one of the few counties in Florida that voted blue and pretty much always does. I’m going to try to hold out hope that this doesn’t set us back 50 years, hope is about the only thing i have right now.

  • Colleen

    Don’t leave! We blue dots need to stick together! I was sad to tell my kids this morning. I haven’t cried. I feel numb and sick to my stomach. Soon I have to go into work and write proposals for science missions that will very likely never be funded now. I wonder if I’ll have a job for the next 4 years.

  • Fraulein N

    This is indeed a sad day. If it helps, know that there are many of us out there who are mourning with you, and that in four years (assuming the country’s still here), the mess this person will make of things will likely encourage more people to help swing things back in a positive direction. Or maybe I’m lying to myself because I desperately need comfort right now.

    My husband and I are eyeing the UK or Canada … but maybe what this country needs is for those of us who believe in *progress* to fight harder. Take all the time you need to gather yourself. Self-care is really important.

  • yasmara

    I’ve been crying since 10pm last night. Around midnight it was full-on ugly cry sobbing in the bathroom. I live in a swing state that was projected to go blue by ever single poll and media outlet. It didn’t go blue. The company my husband works for is headquartered in Copenhagen, Denmark. That sounds like a pretty good place to live right now. I’m devastated…for myself, for my gay brother, for my cousin’s Muslim-born wife, for my children, for my community, for my black and brown neighbors, for women…

  • Tonya

    I too have cried and gotten that ugly cry headache. I can’t believe the majority of the states want to take us back 100 years. I have lost my faith in humanity. I don’t know what to do.

  • Kathy

    Saw a tweet last night comparing this to Voldemort taking over the magical world. And that had a happy ending. We should all form Obama’s Army – the OA.

    I hope you find some peace and comfort. It does help to know that my republican suburban Chicago county voted, by a nice majority, for Clinton and Tammy Duckworth.

  • Jaime

    Come to Seattle – we have tech opportunities galore for people with your skill set. We are a very blue dot in an otherwise Red state but our electoral votes went to Hillary.

  • Beth

    Sporting my ugly cry headache here, too. Massachusetts is looking pretty good right now. Or California. Maryland is pretty blue, too, but you’d have to stick to Washington suburbs or Baltimore. Just don’t stop writing and articulating and being you.

  • Susan

    I want to know the same things. I don’t want to feel so powerless. What can I do? Where do I sign up to change things? It’s some comfort to know that Hillary won the popular vote, so the majority of our country did NOT vote against her. But the way the electoral system is set up, we got someone in office is who is not qualified to lead. Thank goodness we can vote again in 4 years. But in the meantime, I need help in figuring out what to do. Thanks for your posts, Zoot.

  • Jen

    Come to Oregon, home of Nike and Adidas. They are always looking for designers and software people. The running community is awesome! And more trails than you could ever run. Plus we have the Hood to Coast relay.

    Anyway, take the time to grieve, but know that people out here love you and want the best for you and your family.

    • Susan

      Getting on to say come to the blue state of Oregon with our tech jobs and strong running community and here it already is! So I second it.

  • Kate

    I stayed up til 2am EST (I’m in CST) and thought of you as I also cried. I know you wake up early and you would see it first… I am in a blue state, but a really cold one. I hated telling my daughters, I told them that if any of their muslum friends needed help to give them my card. And I cried into the fridge as I made them lunches.

  • Bren

    Unfortunately my previously blue state went red (WI). My father in law voted Trump (probably my MIL too). I cry for my 2 daughters, for anyone who doesn’t fit the white “mold” of the Trump vision. How we could take such a massive step backwards just leaves me baffled. I have to believe that we can all come together, protect one another and not watch the world go to hell.

  • Maggie

    Seriously research the Minneapolis/St. Paul area. Al Franken and Amy Klobuchar are our Senators. Keith Ellison has served in the US House of Representatives since 2007, and a woman who is Somali-American was just elected in the MN House. Both cities are considered LGBTQ friendly. Please check this link for more accolades including 6th best place for tech careers. http://www.minneapolis.org/media/facts-and-research/accolades/

  • Elaine C. B.

    How are you doing today? This is hard. Are your kids okay? I’m just stunned. And trying to stay positive but it’s really hard. I’m in shock and have felt sick to my stomach all day.

  • Michelle

    I was right there too; crying myself to sleep last night. I don’t really have any words of comfort. I’ve cried off and on all day. At work, (even though my state is blue, my town is not) I had to listen to people’s delight over Trump’s win. It just hurt. I keep thinking of my kids and how this will affect them. I haven’t felt a sadness like this in as long as I can remember. Love and hugs to you, dear friend.

  • Karen Pattillo

    Come to Western Washington. Majority Democrat. Jobs in your field should be available. Mild weather beautiful scenery. Drizzly rain sometimes! Yesterday was awful. My husband diagnosed with bladder cancer and then the election practically sent me over the edge.

      • Karen Pattillo

        Surgery to remove the tumor. Dr. gave no other info actually. Said had to wait and see what pathology reported. That was frustrating. He didn’t even say cancer until I remarked that one test already said it was cancer. Surgery the day before Thanksgiving. All three of my adult kids live far away in other states…Wisconsin, NY. CA. So we wait and I try to stay positive. His brother actually had his bladder removed 23 years ago and is still going strong.