An Emotional Dump Of A Facebook Status Turned Pathetic Blog Post

This started as short Facebook status and then I felt the emotional dump coming and decided to move it to the blog where you all are more used to my breakdowns. I’m not sure my real world casual Facebook aquantainces would know what to do with this.

Due to various family sleep issues, I often end up sharing a bed with Nikki and recently I’ve noticed an increase in her sleep talking (she’s had a few incidents of sleep walking as well). What worries me is her sleep talking is ALWAYS anxiety-fueled. It’s rarely the nonsensical sleep talking most of us do, instead it’s pleas for forgiveness as she’s evidently done something wrong, or emotional explanations for errors she’s made. There’s always concern and stress and it’s always perfectly coherent and it BREAKS MY HEART.

There’s really no point in this post other than sharing my emotional baggage. My two youngest children were born with intense emotional needs – one with severe anxiety and the other with anger issues. And not matter how many tools I add to my arsenal with reading and counseling I feel like I’m perpetually inadequately equipped in helping them with their needs. Of all of the Mothers in the world to be born to, they had to be born to one constantly fighting her own battles and therefore never fully capable to help them with theirs.

No need for advice, it’s time for a new therapist for Nikki – she’s asked for one. And we were already deciding it was time for a new one for Wes. I’ve read all of the books and articles. I promise. I’ve read more about children and anxiety and anger and emotional intelligence in the last two years than I’ve read about anything else. I know my own limits and my kids need more help than I can offer. It just makes me feel really down on myself, like maybe there are other Mothers in the world that have their shit together enough to be more of a help to their children unlike me, who spends many of her moments trying to keep her OWN emotions in check and probably doesn’t give her kids the support they need.

Just venting. Last night was hard.

14 Comments

  • Laura Healy

    So sorry, Kim. I’m sending good wishes your way today… and perhaps, you are singularly well equipped to empathize with your kids because you understand anxiety from the inside out.

  • Dawn

    It’s so hard to cut ourselves any slack when life is hectic and kids are going through hard times. Take care.

  • Grace

    Be kind to yourself. It’s very hard for any mom to deal with this type of issue in a child. I agree with Laura that you’re equipped to deal with the issues because you do understand them. Hugs.

  • Karen

    I’m with Laura and Grace: if you didn’t have your own struggles, you might not feel so deeply for theirs. That makes you very equipped! Plus, you know when to ask for help; too many of us do not.

  • Amy

    I think it some ways you’re better equipped to handle children with the needs that your have because you can sympathize, you don’t dismiss their issues, and you get them help when you know their needs are more than you can handle on your own. We had to take our oldest to counseling at 4 because we knew his behaviors weren’t “normal” for his age and we were at a complete loss at to what to do. After losing my nephew to suicide this year, your willingness to talk openly about the mental health of both yourself and your children is so appreciated!

    I feel like this was rambling and a little all over the place. But as someone without mental health issues, it was still really really hard trying to deal with my son’s behaviors. Your children are lucky to have you.

  • Kelly

    I understand your feelings. I have a son with HFASD who has extreme anger. I frequently feel ill-prepared to help him. I have dealt with my own anxiety issues since college. But then I think, who better to help a child with emotional/mental problems than a parent who really gets it. I think you are probably perfectly suited to mother them. Be good to yourself!

  • Lucy McConville

    I hope you will learn not to be so hard on yourself. What others have said about you being very equipped to help your kids not in spite of, but because of your own issues is so true. Also, a good therapist has had YEARS of schooling, as well as the trial-and-error experience of working with patients to see what works in different scenarios. The very best thing you can do is to involve them with a truly good therapist. This has made a life-altering difference in my own son’s life. As Mama Bear you find them the best professional help, and then show them your unconditional love as much as possible. They are very, very lucky to have YOU.

  • Colleen

    I think you are well equipped to help them. Recognizing when outside help is needed is really important! Like others have said, therapists have years of training. I think you are a great Mom & are doing the best things for your kids. It is important that you can empathize with their feelings.

  • Trisha

    No mother has their shit together enough to always be the emotional rock for multiple other humans. Recognizing their needs, and even your own limitations, makes you an amazing parent. You are enough.

  • ccr in MA

    I wouldn’t have any advice to give anyway, but I do want to say that in all situations, not just parenting, it’s easy to feel that we’re the only ones screwing up, and everyone else has their act together. When not in the heat of the moment, though, I don’t actually think that’s true. Some people are better at hiding the cracks than others. Hang in there.

  • Amber

    I just wanted to send a note out to say that I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time–and that you aren’t alone! I have two daughters, one with severe anger issues and the other with severe anxiety issues. And it’s just so, so hard. Hang in there. As long as love is guiding you, you are doing everything right. 🙂

  • Fraulein N

    I think the important thing is not that maybe you’re a little out of your depth here — I’m sure most parents would be — but that you are getting your kids the help they need. And you can sympathize with what they’re going through, which is also so, so important.

  • Smitharu

    You are not alone in how you feel. I have two daughters with anxiety and panic issues. Hardly a day goes by without me worrying about how to meet their needs and feeling like I consistently fall short.