This started as short Facebook status and then I felt the emotional dump coming and decided to move it to the blog where you all are more used to my breakdowns. I’m not sure my real world casual Facebook aquantainces would know what to do with this.
Due to various family sleep issues, I often end up sharing a bed with Nikki and recently I’ve noticed an increase in her sleep talking (she’s had a few incidents of sleep walking as well). What worries me is her sleep talking is ALWAYS anxiety-fueled. It’s rarely the nonsensical sleep talking most of us do, instead it’s pleas for forgiveness as she’s evidently done something wrong, or emotional explanations for errors she’s made. There’s always concern and stress and it’s always perfectly coherent and it BREAKS MY HEART.
There’s really no point in this post other than sharing my emotional baggage. My two youngest children were born with intense emotional needs – one with severe anxiety and the other with anger issues. And not matter how many tools I add to my arsenal with reading and counseling I feel like I’m perpetually inadequately equipped in helping them with their needs. Of all of the Mothers in the world to be born to, they had to be born to one constantly fighting her own battles and therefore never fully capable to help them with theirs.
No need for advice, it’s time for a new therapist for Nikki – she’s asked for one. And we were already deciding it was time for a new one for Wes. I’ve read all of the books and articles. I promise. I’ve read more about children and anxiety and anger and emotional intelligence in the last two years than I’ve read about anything else. I know my own limits and my kids need more help than I can offer. It just makes me feel really down on myself, like maybe there are other Mothers in the world that have their shit together enough to be more of a help to their children unlike me, who spends many of her moments trying to keep her OWN emotions in check and probably doesn’t give her kids the support they need.
Just venting. Last night was hard.