Achievement Unlocked

“Mom, why didn’t you tag me in that photo?” Wesley asked when I put a selfie of us on instagram. His account is locked down and private but he still likes me to tag him. “Because I talk a lot about boob sweat on the internet and I’m trying to prevent people tracing you to me in your future.” 

“Why do you talk so much about boob sweat?” He asked.

“Because it’s my brand. Me not talking about boob sweat is like me not talking about donuts or pens.”

Let me tell you about the summer of boob sweat.

We finally have cooler temperatures this week, the sap is dripping on my car from my neighbor’s tree, and the aphids are out. These are all the first signs that summer is coming to an end, so I can tell you the Worst Boob Sweat Story Ever.

What happened, Zoot? Did you have an embarrassing moment where you had to be somewhere fancy but it was hot and your shirt showed boob sweat?

No. That’s like every Tuesday around here. I’ve accepted the world of boob sweat. This one is worse.

So, early this summer I got out of the shower and was drying off when I thought, Jeezus. My boobs have been itchy today. I looked down and noticed TERRIBLE discoloration on both of my boobs and I immediately panicked and went to google and…well…are you ready?

I HAD BOOB FUNGUS.

Well, technically I had just your standard yeast infection like women get who are nursing babies and don’t allow their boobs enough time to air dry between feedings. But what is a yeast infection? FUNGUS. And why did I have it? BECAUSE I HAD CONSTANT BOOB SWEAT 24 HOURS A DAY AND MY BOOBS NEVER WERE ALLOWED TO DRY BECAUSE WHY IN THE HELL WOULD A 43-year-old NON-NURSING MOTHER WALK AROUND AIRING OUT HER BOOBS?

Boob. Fungus. caused by Boob. Sweat. I hit a new low.

So I had to spend the summer scheduling time to air out my boobs, basically. And I had to change bras midway through the day. Because it’s so hot in the South in Alabama, and I’m so prone to sweating EVERYWHERE, that my boobs had become the perfect breeding ground for a fungal yeast infection. Me…and nursing Moms. 

It’s a good thing I have A) a good sense of humor and B) no shame because I actually kinda found the whole thing hilarious and on brand. It’s like a new achievement level in the world of boob sweat! I’m the valedictorian of boob sweat!

Here’s hoping none of my kid’s friends ever find THIS post. 

4 Comments

  • Ashley Cullen

    Ok, this cracked me up! It made me think of a time a few summers ago when I was running and I passed at least two or three people and waved at them and all of them didn’t wave back and also looked at me super weird. My initial reaction was wow, what assholes. So I just carried on, still wondering what their problem was. When I got home and looked at myself in the mirror, I realized. I had two perfectly shaped boob sweat circles on my shirt. NICE.

  • Karen

    Totally relate, girlfriend. Finally not having to deal with the red, itchy under-boob thing. My cure was two-fold: a bra that actually fits, and losing some weight. Now that my bra actually keeps the girls lifted up off of my ribcage, they are doing much better. Who knew?

  • Vicki

    Girl, you need to get you what they call bra liners. You can order them from the old people’s catalogs like Dr. Leonard’s or Carol Wright’s Gifts. They’re a life saver along with some baby powder and a big old powder puff. As someone with huge tatas who hates wearing a bra I can tell you that these things are awesome. I’m in Mississippi so I’m right there with you on feeling the heat. I hope this helps.

  • Mari

    As a nursing mom the second time I got a yeast infection inside my breast ducts. Most painful thing ever and hard to treat. Gimme boob sweat every day. (I got it anyway… Ugh.)