“Mom, why didn’t you tag me in that photo?” Wesley asked when I put a selfie of us on instagram. His account is locked down and private but he still likes me to tag him. “Because I talk a lot about boob sweat on the internet and I’m trying to prevent people tracing you to me in your future.”
“Why do you talk so much about boob sweat?” He asked.
“Because it’s my brand. Me not talking about boob sweat is like me not talking about donuts or pens.”
Let me tell you about the summer of boob sweat.
We finally have cooler temperatures this week, the sap is dripping on my car from my neighbor’s tree, and the aphids are out. These are all the first signs that summer is coming to an end, so I can tell you the Worst Boob Sweat Story Ever.
What happened, Zoot? Did you have an embarrassing moment where you had to be somewhere fancy but it was hot and your shirt showed boob sweat?
No. That’s like every Tuesday around here. I’ve accepted the world of boob sweat. This one is worse.
So, early this summer I got out of the shower and was drying off when I thought, Jeezus. My boobs have been itchy today. I looked down and noticed TERRIBLE discoloration on both of my boobs and I immediately panicked and went to google and…well…are you ready?
I HAD BOOB FUNGUS.
Well, technically I had just your standard yeast infection like women get who are nursing babies and don’t allow their boobs enough time to air dry between feedings. But what is a yeast infection? FUNGUS. And why did I have it? BECAUSE I HAD CONSTANT BOOB SWEAT 24 HOURS A DAY AND MY BOOBS NEVER WERE ALLOWED TO DRY BECAUSE WHY IN THE HELL WOULD A 43-year-old NON-NURSING MOTHER WALK AROUND AIRING OUT HER BOOBS?
Boob. Fungus. caused by Boob. Sweat. I hit a new low.
So I had to spend the summer scheduling time to air out my boobs, basically. And I had to change bras midway through the day. Because it’s so hot in the South in Alabama, and I’m so prone to sweating EVERYWHERE, that my boobs had become the perfect breeding ground for a fungal yeast infection. Me…and nursing Moms.
It’s a good thing I have A) a good sense of humor and B) no shame because I actually kinda found the whole thing hilarious and on brand. It’s like a new achievement level in the world of boob sweat! I’m the valedictorian of boob sweat!
Here’s hoping none of my kid’s friends ever find THIS post.