I’m working on convincing myself that I don’t need changing to love myself.
My daughter posted a set of funny photos to instagram to celebrate the past year and they weren’t flattering of anyone, they were all supposed to be silly. She chose one of me and her where I’m trying to strike a dramatic pose and be all serious in my fuzzy house shoes and pajamas and my first thought was A) uggggg…I’m so ugly when I’m not smiling and B) uggggg….weight gain…
But then I punched myself in the face – metaphorically of course – because she obviously chose that photo because it’s ridiculous and it makes her laugh and when I pushed aside all of the self-hatred I laughed too because I AM STRIKING A SERIOUS POSE WEARING FUZZY HOUSESHOES. It’s hilarious!
2019 is the year I plan to do a lot of metaphorical face-punching. I worked a 50K on Monday and so I was around a lot of badass running friends and of course conversations about past races came up and I contributed my experiences in past 50Ks. All the time there was a voice inside my head trying to loudly shame me for not being able to run a 50K anymore (Or a 5K for that matter, I’m still doing run/walk intervals) and I punched her in the face!
Because, here’s the thing, I could spend time trying to argue with myself about what I am doing and how I should be proud of the hikes I go on or the yoga classes I attend, and all of that is true, but what really matters is NONE OF IT. I just shouldn’t trash talk myself…PERIOD. Not because I had a hard year of travel or because I’ve been struggling with mental health. I shouldn’t say, “Kim, don’t trash talk your lack of running because you are hiking doing yoga and…”
No. I should say, “Kim, don’t trash talk yourself because IT IS A SHITTY THING TO DO.”
I’ve gotten in a bad habit of trying to explain to myself why I deserve love. But…I don’t need to try to make myself feel better after hating on myself by JUSTIFYING the things I’m hating on myself for! No, instead I should just love myself AS IS. Not because I’m getting back into hiking or doing yoga. I should love myself even if I’m NOT DOING SHIT. If I’m getting down about the weight gain I shouldn’t say, “Now Kim, don’t feel shame for the weight gain, you ate very mindfully yesterday!” NO! I should PUNCH KIM IN THE FACE for thinking the thoughts in the first place and who the hell cares if I’m chowing down on donuts or not…I SHOULD LOVE MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT.
When I start talking shit about myself to myself, I’m not going to try to allow it in anyway. I’m not going to say, “Kim…don’t fret about the weight gain…you really struggled with your mental health and…” Instead I’m going to say, “KIM…LOVE YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEIGH!”
When I feel bad about being unemployed I’m not going to start justifying my life by listing all of the chores I accomplished today, instead I’m going to say, “KIM…LOVE YOURSELF NO MATTER HOW MANY LOADS OF LAUNDRY YOU DID!”
When I feel bad because I struggled doing 2-minute walk/run intervals for two miles yesterday I’m not going to pat myself on the back for doing something, as thought I deserve love because at least I ran/walked 2 miles! No. I’m going to punch myself in the face and say, “KIM…LOVE YOURSELF EVEN IF YOU CAN’T WALK A BLOCK!”
I just think I got in that bad habit of trying to look at good actions to convince myself not to hate on myself and that’s bullshit. I shouldn’t love myself because I’m “making steps in the right direction” or anything, I should just love myself…PERIOD. I shouldn’t look at pictures of me now and think, “Well…you’re making steps towards losing weight so….” No! I should punch myself in the face for even STARTING those thoughts and just love the person in the photo…no matter what steps she’s supposedly taking to better herself.
She deserves love AS IS.