2019: The Year Of Metaphorical Face Punching

I’m working on convincing myself that I don’t need changing to love myself.

My daughter posted a set of funny photos to instagram to celebrate the past year and they weren’t flattering of anyone, they were all supposed to be silly. She chose one of me and her where I’m trying to strike a dramatic pose and be all serious in my fuzzy house shoes and pajamas and my first thought was A) uggggg…I’m so ugly when I’m not smiling and B) uggggg….weight gain…

But then I punched myself in the face – metaphorically of course – because she obviously chose that photo because it’s ridiculous and it makes her laugh and when I pushed aside all of the self-hatred I laughed too because I AM STRIKING A SERIOUS POSE WEARING FUZZY HOUSESHOES. It’s hilarious!

2019 is the year I plan to do a lot of metaphorical face-punching. I worked a 50K on Monday and so I was around a lot of badass running friends and of course conversations about past races came up and I contributed my experiences in past 50Ks. All the time there was a voice inside my head trying to loudly shame me for not being able to run a 50K anymore (Or a 5K for that matter, I’m still doing run/walk intervals) and I punched her in the face!

Because, here’s the thing, I could spend time trying to argue with myself about what I am doing and how I should be proud of the hikes I go on or the yoga classes I attend, and all of that is true, but what really matters is NONE OF IT. I just shouldn’t trash talk myself…PERIOD. Not because I had a hard year of travel or because I’ve been struggling with mental health. I shouldn’t say, “Kim, don’t trash talk your lack of running because you are hiking doing yoga and…”

No. I should say, “Kim, don’t trash talk yourself because IT IS A SHITTY THING TO DO.”

I’ve gotten in a bad habit of trying to explain to myself why I deserve love. But…I don’t need to try to make myself feel better after hating on myself by JUSTIFYING the things I’m hating on myself for! No, instead I should just love myself AS IS. Not because I’m getting back into hiking or doing yoga. I should love myself even if I’m NOT DOING SHIT. If I’m getting down about the weight gain I shouldn’t say, “Now Kim, don’t feel shame for the weight gain, you ate very mindfully yesterday!” NO! I should PUNCH KIM IN THE FACE for thinking the thoughts in the first place and who the hell cares if I’m chowing down on donuts or not…I SHOULD LOVE MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT.

When I start talking shit about myself to myself, I’m not going to try to allow it in anyway. I’m not going to say, “Kim…don’t fret about the weight gain…you really struggled with your mental health and…” Instead I’m going to say, “KIM…LOVE YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT YOU WEIGH!”

When I feel bad about being unemployed I’m not going to start justifying my life by listing all of the chores I accomplished today, instead I’m going to say, “KIM…LOVE YOURSELF NO MATTER HOW MANY LOADS OF LAUNDRY YOU DID!”

When I feel bad because I struggled doing 2-minute walk/run intervals for two miles yesterday I’m not going to pat myself on the back for doing something, as thought I deserve love because at least I ran/walked 2 miles! No. I’m going to punch myself in the face and say, “KIM…LOVE YOURSELF EVEN IF YOU CAN’T WALK A BLOCK!”

I just think I got in that bad habit of trying to look at good actions to convince myself not to hate on myself and that’s bullshit. I shouldn’t love myself because I’m “making steps in the right direction” or anything, I should just love myself…PERIOD. I shouldn’t look at pictures of me now and think, “Well…you’re making steps towards losing weight so….” No! I should punch myself in the face for even STARTING those thoughts and just love the person in the photo…no matter what steps she’s supposedly taking to better herself.

She deserves love AS IS.

4 Comments

  • Vicki

    I’m so glad to see you write this. I’ve followed your blog for a while now and so many days I’ve worried about you because you’re always so hard on yourself. I hate to see you feel so bad about yourself. You have shared your guilt about everything from your weight to how you speak to people and it just saddens me to see you do that. I know the struggles of mental health and physical health, lack of funds, sick family, disability, etc. I’ts really hard to deal, and sometimes you get a really bad patch. The difference was I felt like you took all the responsibility for everything and blamed yourself. I feel like you even are burdening yourself with guilt over social issues that you had/have no control over. When I look at you I see a woman who has three great kids and a husband who loves her. She’s a great mom and will do whatever she has to to see that her kids are taken care of. This woman looks great too. Her figure is awesome and she’s so lucky she’s got great skin and doesn’t need makeup to be presentable. She’s smart and keeps up with current events and likes to learn. I think she’s pretty awesome. Kim, I hope this year is a turning point for you. I’m hoping I’ll have a better year and maybe it’ll be a turning point for me too.

  • LC

    Stephanie and I had a similar conversation last night. I have intentions of getting up and running or working out but I slept like crap so I don’t get out of bed in time. Then I hate myself all day for not doing anything and by the time I get off work I just want to go home and relax. Then I have a beer or glass of wine because I am upset with myself for not working out, then I sleep like crap and the vicious cycle starts again.

    My new resolve is to do what you are doing, give myself a face punch and be happy. ?

  • Julie A

    Through EFT, EMDR, therapy and the words of Louise Hay I am finding myself in the exact same boat as you. The same boat I tell you!!! At first I spent time with the word “worthy”. Do I feel worthy? I spent a lot of time in a Catholic Church and realized I said weekly “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed”. I don’t think as a child I ever got the word. My reflection evolved to the concept of “deserving” or “I deserve” and do you know what my demon is? The thought that I deserve to be punished. That I deserve the bad things happening. As much as my cognitive mind does not believe things, I now know and realize there is a subconscious component that feels very unworthy and not deserving. And that to get good things I need to really work for them—strive for them–suffer to get them—strain and push and exert extra extraordinary amounts of effort to have them—and that I am not good just as I am. That is the mantra my therapist lead me to : “I am good as I am”. Not connected to any outside material or outside effort–just as I am.
    I commend you for your self reflection. I am going to try to do the same. And leave you with a message that came in an email today from Hay House:

    #1: Be Kind to Your Mind

    As Louise says, “You have the ability to think any thought you want. Why think thoughts that will create chaos in your life?” When you start to feel angry at what you’re thinking, don’t look at this as a reflection of who you are. Don’t hate yourself (or your mind) for having the thoughts. Gently change your thoughts.