3:14am and Fitting In

You know that thing when you are really tired and suddenly things seems really funny or really sad and you KNOW you are overreacting due to exhaustion but you still can’t help laughing/crying maniacally over something super-mundane?

Well, this morning something seems really interesting even though I know it’s the exhaustion talking.

But you get to hear about it anyway.

Two mornings in a row now…TWO…Wesley has woken up at exactly 3:14am with growing pains.

First things first: I know you probably call that time “night” but I wake up most mornings between 4am and 5am so 3:14am is morning to me. And that is a problem because that means I’ve not gone back to sleep either time because…WHY BOTHER? So I’m super tired as two mornings in a row I’ve woken up at 3:14am but also…WHAT IS UP WITH 3:14am? Why is that the WAKE UP WESLEY! time? Why is that FOOT PAIN! time?

And also? TODAY IS 3/14! Does that make it WEIRDER or am I just so stupid with exhaustion at this point that anything coincidental seems like the universe is trying to deliver me a message: TODAY IS THE DAY OF DESTINY AND FATE! DO NOT MISS IT!

I also watched this video in my exhaustion and I love a lot of what Bréne Brown writes and says, but this one just falls flat for me.

I feel like self-help people talk a LOT about this concept of “fitting in” and how bad it is and makes us not be our authentic selves but I just haven’t bothered to do that in like 20 years. Is this not a hard lesson everyone learns in their 20s? I feel like it’s something that happens in coming of age movies and TV shows. Someone tries too hard to be popular, hiding parts of themselves and they’re miserable. Then…one day…they OWN THEIR TRUE SELVES! AND THEY ARE HAPPY AGAIN!

Do adults past 25 still try to fake a part of themselves to get into a social group they are not actually naturally a part of? Maybe it’s because I’m such a loser, but the few times in the last 15+ years that I’ve thought, “There’s a cool group of ladies there, I’d love to be able to chat with them…”- if it has not happened naturally, I don’t keep trying to pursue it. I AM TOO TIRED FOR THAT SHIT. DID YOU NOT SEE THAT I WOKE UP AT 3:14am TWO DAYS IN A ROW?

Is this ONE area I’m actually STABLE in because of painfully learned lessons in my 20s? Is this ONE mental and emotional hurdle I’ve already jumped? AM I A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE BECAUSE I GAVE UP TRYING TO FIT IN A LONG TIME AGO?

Maybe I’m blessed to be surrounded by authentic people, but I think it’s been almost 20 years since I’ve tried to fit in where I can’t be myself. I did that in college a little bit and it was a short-lived DISASTER. I learned the lesson in my early-mid 20s that it takes too much energy and it DOES NOT PAY OFF to hang out with people you don’t really relate to, or to try to be something you are not naturally.

Now I just do not have the energy to be anything other than who I am on that given day. Some days that person is cool and showers and wears clean clothes and talks about great political writers she’s been reading and art she’s seen lately. But most days that person eats a 3 Musketeers and Sour Cream and Onion potato chips for lunch while hiding in her car in the parking deck at the grocery store, reading yet ANOTHER YA fiction about magic before she goes home to catch up on that show about zombies.

No. Not that one. That is the cool one. This girl watches the one on The CW.

Maybe the internet has helped. I’ve made a lot of authentic friends through this blog. Maybe being tired all the time does help because I really do not have the energy. Maybe writing online has taught me to be open in real life too and I’ve just scared away anyone who I couldn’t normally fit in with? Maybe my radar is just finely tuned now and I know immediately whether or not I’m going to naturally click with someone? Maybe I’m just SUCH A TERRIBLE DOOFUS THAT NO ONE EVEN PRETENDS TO LIKE ME IF THEY DO NOT REALLY.

Either way, I’m just happy that maybe there’s ONE area I don’t have to reprogram myself. I have a terrible body image, crippling abandonment issues, social anxieties and nightmare-inducing fears of parental failure BUT AT LEAST I DO NOT TRY TO FIT IN WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I CAN NOT BE MY TRUE SELF!