Miscellaneous Madness

I found a magical podcast that helps me sleep at night: SLEEP WITH ME. Y’all, it really is like magic. Some nights it takes longer for it to drown out the voices in my head than on other nights but A) I never make it through the whole 15-minute sleep timer and B) My sleep is much more peaceful now. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT WORKS. It’s the old guy with a droning voice who tells ridiculous rambling stories and it’s magical. Try it.

I’m meeting a new therapist today. I don’t even know where to begin when I see her. Some days I feel like I’m such a goddamn mess that I don’t even know how to articulate how someone can help me. Other days I feel like I’m surviving so who the hell cares? What is happy anymore? Some days I feel it. Or maybe some moments I feel it. But then I don’t know anymore. I just know I’m tired as shit. Life is exhausting.

I’m also trying to help my youngest with his mental health challenges as we are on the hunt for the perfect therapist for him too and can I just tell you that there is nothing more exhausting that filling out new patient paperwork for your kid where you have to itemize their challenges because every time I write something terrible he has said or done I want to write a book explaining all of the good things he’s said and done too. And even just calling and saying words like “self harm” is difficult because THIS IS MY KID WE ARE TALKING ABOUT, and it’s like the old adage: I’m wearing my heart on the outside of my body with him and I just worry so much about him.

We have a new company in town that does vegan meal delivery service. They “opened up shop” at the first of the year and we’re in love. We got the “Family Pack” which is one big meal on Wednesday for a family for the first two weeks but next week we’re doing IT ALL. 7 days worth of meals (for 1 person, we’re sharing as we test it out) and one family pack. I feel like I’m eating better on the whole already because I’ve had ZERO desire to cook/feed my family most days.

I’m not running at all and I need to fix that. I did great for a week and then it got cold as shit and my life got so very busy and I got so very tired and we got a new dog and he’s exhausting (wonderful, but exhausting) and my kids and my husband and my job and everything is just exhausting and I just want to run, I miss it, but I also want to wear my fat pants and curl up under the fleece blanket and drink coffee and read.

I’m two days without beer. That’s a lot for me. I switched to hard seltzer because I can only handle one of those at a time. I felt like beer was becoming too much of a nightly crutch and it’s actually a depressant and I felt it was making me worse because I was drinking too much of it. (I like beer that goes down smooth.) So I can really only handle one seltzer because they’re kinda sweet and it’s still like a nightly ritual but it’s only 110 calories and I can chug it like I can beer so, we’ll see. Maybe it will keep me from sinking so dark at night.

It’s finally getting above freezing here today. And the sun will be out. I’m hoping all of that will be a recipe for joy even if I’m still tired as shit.