I think my cough is finally going away! I don’t want to get too excited, but last night I only coughed a few times! I had forgotten what it was like to sleep kinda through the night. Kinda. There are other sleep interrupters in my life, but the months-long cough seems to finally be fading! The daily inhaler might be working after all!
Now, of course, I don’t have an excuse to not run. I’ve had a hard time because any time I started even slight heavy breathing, a coughing fit would trigger. Even laughing would send me over the edge, but I think I’m clearing the other side of this cough mountain and so maybe…MAYBE…I can try a run again?
But I’ll be honest: I’ve liked not having that over my head. I’ve been training for SOMETHING for the last 5 years and the last few months of taking it easy has kinda been nice. I’ve been reading TONS and I had missed that so much. I’ve read more books the last few months than the last few years combined. I’ve also enjoyed kinda deciding what to do as the weekend progresses and not having to work everything around long runs. Also? I’ve loved my mornings. I’ve still been waking up early but I’m easing into my day and into my writing and doing housework and waking up the kids slowly and not RUSH RUSH RUSH because I squeezed in a run.
So, yeah, my physical ailments may finally be disappearing but it’s going to take some willpower to get out the door as my non-running life has been kinda nice!
I’ve been trying to work on finding my beauty lately. I love my spirit and my soul and my insides but I get very angry at my outsides in this irrational and weirdly innate way. Like, I walked by the mirror this morning and felt repulsed by my reflection. Like…I SHUTTERED. My blotchy skin, my weight-gained face, my saggy neck, my frizz halo, I hated it ALL – REFLEXIVELY.
And then I went back and forced myself to look in the mirror and I said out loud, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.” And then I laughed at myself and my smile made me happy and then I realized how creepy I was being – talking to myself in the mirror so I laughed even HARDER and then I noticed my inspirational poop wall (it’s what I call the wall that you look at when you’re sitting on the toilet) and me having some weird existential body image crisis in front of my wall of inspiration really cracked me up and I had to take a selfie to document the moment and the weird mental gymnastics I had just done.
Look at the beautiful face having a mental crisis about body image in her brown-tile bathroom! Isn’t she adorable?
But seriously. I’m trying to stop and tell myself when I’m repulsed in the mirror: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. And I’m trying to mean it, because these weird reflexes are hardwired into my brain and I have to retrain my brain to think: BEAUTIFUL no matter what my reflection shows me. And those new neural pathways won’t become automatic until I wear them down again and again. So, as silly as it feels to speaking encouragingly to my reflection in the mirror, I know that every time I’m doing it I’m wearing down that pathway in my brain more and more so that it will become the easier path to take and the “UGGG. SO UGLY…” pathway will become overgrown and unused.
It helps though to have the inspirational poop wall in the background.