Part of my journey towards peace is trying to be in tune with what I need in any particular moment. Do I need to mop the floors? Or stay in bed an extra 45 minutes playing Pokemon? Considering how crazy my life has gotten in the last month, I often times know I need the later of those two options just to give my mind time to heal from the anxiety of every day life. But then there’s the fallout…the floors aren’t clean. And because my house is on the market, they need to be clean so now I’m just stuck having to do them at night before bed when I’m really tired and wanting to sleep.
It’s a fine line, because satisfying what I need “now” all the time will eventually backfire on me and I’ll find myself up at 1am mopping floors and putting up laundry.
I’ve not been blogging every morning like I used to. Some mornings it’s because I’m trying to squeeze in a run, other mornings it’s because I’m trying to sleep more. Either way – there’s a part of me hurting at not having that start to my day. I really need to write in the mornings in many different ways. Do I need it more than a run? Or more than sleep? Probably not. But damn if my life isn’t lacking on the days I miss that creative and cathartic release.
It all – of course – points consistently to me having TOO MUCH TO DO. I’m really aware of this now more than ever and am hoping a lot of my responsibilities will lighten up with the launch of a website I’ve been working on for a non-profit I’m involved with. It’s been taking all of my free time lately, so much so that I am actually missing my book club this month just because we’re less than 10 days from our hopeful launch and the non-soccer nights are rare and I need to get work done. Once that launches? I truly hope a lot of my responsibilities will drop back and I’ll have “free” time again. And that goes doubly for when/if we ever sell this damn house. Selling the house. Launching the website. Those two things will clear up SO MUCH TIME.
But until then I’m having to pass on things that may be spiritually healing in order to knock the tasks off the list that will help me accomplish those two goals: Sell the house, Launch the website.
It’s a balance and I’ll be honest: I’m not handling it well. I’m sleepless (I got 6 hours of sleep the other night and was overjoyed at the indulgence) and emotional and longing for time with my running buddies and my blog and my book sisters. I know that this is temporary, I have a better handle on what I should be juggling and if I could just get these things conquered the rest will be an easier load.
But until then…I’m just treading water. I’m doing my nightly meditations which helps me fall asleep but I inevitably wake up at midnight and stare at the wall panicking for an hour or two before dozing off again until my 3am wake up time. I’m squeezing my runs in when I can but it’s not often. I missing my Dad. Oh, jeezus I miss him so much. The harder my life is the more I miss him, which says a lot about our relationship when he was alive. He was the one I called when life was too much, and when it gets that way again I miss him the most.
I’ll make it. I know I will. I have a better tool set to understand my anxiety and I have an understanding as to what I need.
I just have to hang in there for now. Right?