I got up kinda late this morning. 3:10am. I had almost everything packed up to run at the Y today but that 40+ minutes of extra sleep kinda throws off my schedule and I also kinda needed to get into work early to make sure some equipment is charged for today. On top of that I ate terribly yesterday so my stomach is angry and I just don’t want to run.
I didn’t run yesterday either. For an assortment of unimportant reasons. That’s why I ate horrible yesterday.
I hate that I have settled into this weird existence where if I don’t start my day off at the gym, I eat 4000 calories minimum before it’s over. Whereas if I get my run in, I can hang around the right amount. This is horrible because some days I just don’t want to run, but then it all goes to shit because it’s like I have no will power when I haven’t started my day with a run.
And then I feel shitty because I didn’t run AND I ate 14 cadbury creme eggs.
Driving home last night I was thinking about these decisions I make that allow me to achieve some sort of temporary happiness but then leave me with lingering shitty feelings for hours or days, depending on the streak I’m on. Why do I do that? Why do I keep stuffing my face with candy even though I know I’m going to feel terrible later?
I hate that I can’t just have a normal morning, NOT go to the Y, have normal eating habits and not hate myself. It’s like the only way I don’t hate myself at the end of the day is if I run at LEAST 5 miles (because I only managed 3 on Monday and the day fell to the crapper bad) and if I stay under my restricted caloric intake. THEN I got to bed thinking, “WAY TO GO, KIM!”
Why can’t I allow myself love and validation for the 9 million other good things I get done. I carry way more than half the burden of keeping our house running and raising our family on top of working full time at a job with a devil’s commute and hold two volunteer positions that require various levels of attention and being a member of two women’s groups that each meet once a month on top of TRYING TO GET MY DAMN HOUSE READY TO SELL.
Why is all of that not enough? Why can I do all of that in one day but – quite literally – HATE MYSELF for binge eating and not running.
Part of me says, “DAMMIT, KIM! That is why you MUST RUN in the mornings! Don’t skip today! You’ll feel better if you run!”
And that voice is right. I will feel better. But some days I should be allowed to skip (like when I kinda need to get stuff done before 8am and I slept late) and still maintain some level of control over my eating habits and still manage some self-love for the 19 million other things I do that I should be proud of.
So – today I’m not going to run. My stomach is too upset this morning and I have too much stuff that needs my attention in the pre-dawn hours. But my goal is to not let this VERY NORMAL DECISION catapult me into some sort of Forest of Gluttony that only ends in the Swamp of Hatred. I’m going to try to spend today thinking about all of the amazing reasons I deserve self-love that have nothing to do with miles in my run log. I should eat right today, not because I ran this morning, but because I love myself and I want to treat myself with the kindness I deserve.
I was listening to an interview with Chris Hardwick the other day and he’s the busiest man in the world, quite possibly. He was talking about how to get started in getting your health in order and he casually said something like, “If you can’t work out an hour a few times a week just do what you can” because I guess that’s his schedule. And it reminded me – that to be “healthy” you can do moderate exercise. This shit I was doing to prep for my 100K was like a part-time job. That’s certainly why I collapsed so terribly after it was over and have gained 8lbs in weeks since. It’s like I can’t do running/healthy moderately. I either love myself for running 10+ hours a week training for something insane, or I hate myself for binge eating donuts and easter candy all day.
I tried to write a list of Things Kim Does Do She Should Feel Proud About (because I’m a chronic list-maker, that’s what I do) and it was TERRIBLE. Everything I wrote I just argued with. I found myself saying things about what OTHER people do that are BETTER and MORE IMPRESSIVE and then another side of myself counterbalancing all of the negative things I do, “Yeah – you did laundry, Zoot. But you also let Wes play screens all night.” Now, if one of YOU guys was doing it – a friend? I’d be like, “YOU ARE AMAZING. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. AND DO NOT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF! YOU ARE HUMAN!” But to myself? I’m not that kind.
Today: Self care. Moderation. And maybe consider the things I do that give me worth that don’t have to do with running or eating. Be as kind to myself as I am to others.
And maybe stay away from Easter candy.