Avoiding The Spiral

I’ve written a lot over the years about my emotional relationship with food. It’s never as much about weight or size or calories as it is me trying to maintain a healthy relationship with food. Over the last several months as I’ve gotten my eating in check and my training schedule on track, I’ve felt really great and a lot of that is because I’m not giving food any power over me that it doesn’t deserve. That doesn’t mean I’m not eating donuts (I had two last week at the office) – or that I’m 100% healthy, it just means food is fuel. I try to constantly be thinking about how it’s fueling my body both physically and emotionally. And this Thanksgiving break? I just stopped thinking about it. Hence the gray day yesterday because food became my method of coping with stress and sadness and not about fueling my body physically and spiritually.

And that happens. The problem is now? I need to avoid the downward spiral that follows because – and everyone who deals with this knows: When I feel shitty about how I’ve been eating? I EAT SHITTIER TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER.

Now, if you’re like my husband and have never really let food dictate feelings in your life, this seems ridiculous. You know your crappy eating has made you feel terrible, so to make yourself feel better you eat worse? That makes no sense.

BUT. As we’ve discussed before, many of us know and it makes sense to us.

So I started by asking Donnie yesterday afternoon if I could run this morning. Usually he gets Monday mornings, but I know if I need control over my day, I need to start with a run because that focuses me. I tearfully said, “I just need to start my week of on the right foot after the stressful few days because I’m feeling overwhelmed. Please? Can I run in the morning.” Of course he obliged and 2006 Zoot shook her head thinking, “I have no idea who that woman is who is begging behind tears for a run.”

WAIT. That’s not what I did first. Actually, what I did first was eat terrible the rest of yesterday because I had already declared it a “Bad Day” and once a day is “Bad” I give myself permission to eat everything because I tell myself, “Tomorrow! Tomorrow we’ll do better!”

Which is all terrible and not at all how your supposed to look at your relationship with food. HENCE ME TRYING TO AVOID THE SPIRAL.

So! Today. I’m going to start with a run. Then, I’m writing about it here to make you guys hold me accountable. Zoot is not going to fall down a pit of stress eating today. She is going to eat what her mind and her body needs so she can shake the gray away.

Next? I’m getting rid of the junk food that’s left. There’s not much, part of my binge-eating mission last night was to eat it all before today (WHAT? I KNOW. I’M TEXTBOOK.) but there’s a little bit so I’m going to make sure it’s not here when I’m home from work tonight. I’m going to log what I’m eating today. I don’t do that every day, but on days I’m worried (Rest Days on my training schedule tend to have me over-eating) that I’m not balancing the fuel right in my body, I log my food. So today? I’ll log it so I can see how I’m fueling and say, “Good job on protein today, Kim.” I can see specifically how I’m eating and really make sure I’m asking myself if I’m taking care of my body and my mind with my choices.

Finally? I plan. Part of the bad holidays was having a weird schedule where I couldn’t really plan like I normally do. So today? I’m packing my typical breakfast and lunch and snacks so I can map out my day accordingly so I’m making it easy to take care of myself, not giving myself as many opportunities to make decisions based on anxiety over fuel.

Once I have a good day after a few bad ones, I’m re-fueled again and avoiding the spiral is easier. My mind needs good food as much as my body does and I can handle stress and depression better when everything is in balance. The spiral is self-destructive because when I cope with that misbalance by eating terrible, it makes it that much worse. Especially where sugar comes into play. I’m that rat in the lab who is acting crazier than the cocaine rats and the only addiction I have is sugar. When I get too much of it, it messes with my emotions and my anxiety which – of course – MAKES ME WANT MORE SUGAR.

So I really have to remind myself of that today.

It’s like the first day of detox when I’m having to get several bad days of eating out of my system. All I want all day is more sugar, but tomorrow? Tomorrow will be better once most of it’s out of my system.

Here’s to a day of smiling through the rain and remember to love myself by giving my mind and my body the food it needs and deserves. I owe my body that much, it’s been kicking quite a bit of ass lately.

The Tears and the Rain

I’ve had a rough weekend, emotionally. I think 99% of the cause is the bad eating surrounding the holidays. I’ve got a lot more junk in my system than my body has been used to and I have seen evidence time and time again that junk food can cause gray feelings with as much dependability as a sleepless night or a rainy day. I got a little bit of a boost today playing in the rain with my friends on the trails, but then that was followed by an epic Wesley meltdown which involved hitting and punching and profession of hatred and all around bad behavior…even while I championed my textbook calm and collected response to demonstrate how you can deal with anger without punching.

I’m also sad because my oldest went back to school and I never feel like I got enough time with him and I’m not sure I made use of the time I did have as I spent some of it nagging him for not spending enough time with his family. That’s probably a shitty move, but I did it anyway.

It’s just not been a holiday weekend full of laughter and love and the majority of the cause is that I didn’t eat well and my body and my mind are so interconnected that when one is fueled poorly, the other suffers. Just like my body shuts down when my spirituality is not cared for. The Thanksgiving meal itself was nice, we had an epic CHristmas music dance party following, but I’ve felt pretty crappy the rest of the time.

Sorry for this depressing entry but I’m 2 days out of NaBloPoMo and I’m not going to fail now. In some weird way it’s better to blubber my gloom on the blog than to skip a day during NaBloPoMo all together.

The Awesome And Totally Creepy Reason I Love Google Photos

I recently have begun using Google Photos to back up all of my phone pictures and photos in general. I guess – theoretically – it’s unlimited storage as long as you’re using high res but not MAXIMUM resolution of photos. I haven’t tested it out to see if the resolution is printable, I should probably do that, but I also haven’t official transferred everything over from anything else yet either. SO, it’s still a transition from DropBox and Flickr anyway.

Screen Shot 2015-11-28 at 4.13.31 AMBUT! The Search function? Is so amazing I almost don’t care about the printability. In Flickr I had to tag everything but Google Photos. JUST KNOWS. If you go to the “search” bar it finds faces and categorizes them for you to search which came in real handy when I was trying to do a mosaic for my sister-in-law’s wedding. I mean, creepy as crap that it just quickly categorizes your most popular faces and lets you choose those (and name them in some cases as I’ve done with a few) and to search.

BUT THEN, you can also see the “locations” that it derives from geotagging. I’ve not categorized any of those photos, I’ve just uploaded them. YET! It actually grouped them all, and even separated the photos when I went to Colorado that were Breckenridge from the ones that were taken in Lakewood. I thought it had reached it’s insanity and then yesterday? Bambi escaped. (He’s back!) He didn’t return after a bit so I wanted to post a plea on Facebook. And for a split moment I thought I wonder…

Screen Shot 2015-11-28 at 4.14.18 AMSo, I went to the Search function and scrolled past “people” and past “locations” and there was a “things” section where it grouped similar items I guess. There were things like “hiking” and “graduation” (I guess from the caps?) and “selfies” but then? There was a “cats” option (as well as a “dogs” options) and I clicked it. AND THERE THEY WERE! Tons of pictures of Bambi to post to Facebook!

So! If you’re not creeped out? USE IT! IT’S AWESOME! If you are creeped out? Then I totally understand but I find it’s better not to think about it.

Remember When I Didn’t Sleep In My Own Bed For Years?

I’ve mentioned before that Donnie and I are not super sleep-compatible. He likes to fall asleep watching TV and I like it dark and quiet. He tends to be a sleep-cuddler whereas I have a distinct sleep bubble and if you so much as BREATHE on me in your sleep I wake up pissed off. So, when Nikki went through her “I want Mom to lay down with me” phase I willingly obliged because then I could go to sleep in the quiet and darkness like I loved and Nikki never tried to cuddle with me in her sleep. Then, as time went on, I realized that my back MUCH preferred her few-years-old mattress to our decade-old mattress. At this point Donnie and I agreed that we’d buy a new mattress when we moved so that maybe I could one day enjoy sleeping in our room again.

And then we never moved and Donnie was still sleeping on that beat up mattress.

Well, as Nikki is getting past the phase where she HAS to have me in bed with her, I kinda miss sleeping next to the man I married so I suggested that maybe…MAYBE…we get the new mattress before we move and just use our old bed to stage E’s room better as it currently housed an air mattress that had 14 leaks in it.

Long story short? LAST WEEK WE BOUGHT A NEW BED!

We downsized to a Queen since that’s kinda the motif in our lives lately, downsizing. The lady at the mattress store made us lay down in a King and a Queen a few times on the floor so we really understood the difference. You know, because it’s a complicated concept. We still stuck to downsizing and Donnie picked out the mattress as my only opinion was: EVERYTHING IN THIS STORE IS BETTER. We had it delivered and I’ve been sleeping in it almost every night and it’s been GLORIOUS. Donnie is watching TV on his phone with headphones so the light/sound is minimal and his subconscious seems to have gotten used to being alone in bed because he doesn’t try to cuddle while he’s sleeping. IT HAS BEEN WONDERFUL. I used to think we’d just always been the couple that couldn’t sleep together since we just don’t fit well as sleepers, but an extended time without and we seem to have settled into a good rhythm where it works again. AND I HAVE A NEW MATTRESS AND I LOVE IT DEARLY.

I’m still periodically laying down with Nikki and Wes at night but I’m waking up soon after they fall asleep and rolling back into my own bed where I seem to now officially sleep better. It’s amazing what a new mattress can do for your soul. And your back.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hello all. It’s 3:08am and I’ve already been up 30 minutes. I woke up having weird dreams about stressful situations so I figured I might was well get up for the day. I’ve got a lot of stuff to do today as we’re hosting Thanksgiving this year! Since I’m a lazy herbivore and Donnie prefers to eat like I do (but he also hates restrictive labels) his Mom is bringing the animal carcasses and I’m doing sides. Y’all? I don’t want to alarm anyone but…I’m making VEGAN MASHED POTATOES and I’m terrified it’s going to go terribly wrong.

Should I have bought some instant potatoes to be safe?

I’m going to head out in a bit for a run and a charity boot camp before settling into a day of cooking and cleaning. Dinner is not until 5:30 so I’m banking on having plenty of time to peel/dice/vacuum after my run and workout.

I’m very Thankful today for a family that I don’t think will hate me if I screw up several side dishes due to my attempt at vegan variations.

I don’t think.

E is home but he’s dividing his time up between us and his friends so I’m just grateful for any moment I get. I went to lunch yesterday with him and one of his childhood friends who I love like my own child and it was just lovely having the same type of conversations with them that I have with my friends. Having adult kids is kinda awesome.

I hope you have a great day full of anything that makes you happy.