This is not the blog entry you are looking for…

This Saturday’s Entry is brought to you by Stupid Levels Of Irrational Angst. I apologize in advance. Hopefully people are so unaccustomed to Saturday entries that no one will read this one.

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I’ve not run a weekday run in, well, months? Definitely over a month. Maybe more. I know I’ve only run about 5 weekday runs since early December, but a few of them were crammed in one week so I’ve gone weeks in a row with nothing but weekend runs. And last weekend? I only ran on Sunday. I took my first Saturday off of running since September. It was wonderful, in a way. It’s been so long since I had the freedom of a fully-open Saturday, that I forgot how long the day could be.

There’s a very very large part of me that is fairly certain that many of my emotional issues would be solved if I picked my fitness/running back up to a regular schedule. I’d say 75% of me knows this to be a a fact. If I would get up and run or at least work out? I’d feel better.

But, holy shit, the other 25% of me is stubborn as HELL and does NOT want such an easy solution to my issues.

Is that the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard or what?

That 25% of me wants these struggles to be something BIGGER and GRANDER that would be hard to solve so that I can be justified in the constant Eating Of My Feelings and the Gaining Of the Weight. That small part of me doesn’t want it to be such an easy solution, because then it’s basically really stupid that I’ve gained now 17lbs in several months. I mean, if all I had to do was get up and run or go to BodyPump to stop that from happening? Then why did I let it get so bad?

No. That small part of me says that there’s NO WAY my problems would be solved that easily, SO WHY TRY?

Which is dumb. I know.

I don’t know why I’ve gotten out of the habit of running daily. Well, part of it is daylight. I hate running in the dark mornings alone and I just never found a good evening group to join like last year. Also, I couldn’t enjoy the morning group I enjoyed last year because, with Donnie’s new job (new from last year) it wouldn’t work with his/our schedule. So, I had no easy weekday groups to join which meant I’d have to run alone. And I have NEVER been good or disciplined about running alone.

The other part is the road. It’s hard to get a trail run in during the week because my favorite trails require an hour of driving time to and from. So, I have to allow for an extra hour for the distance which means it’s hard to do a lunchtime run during the day. And I can’t do it at night because of the sunlight issue. I have to do road runs during the week and I abhor road running now. I’ve accepted that road running just causes me much more pain than trail running, so it makes it that much harder to do.

But…today…I have no trail runs planned. I need a lot of my day free to accomplish a few other things, so I didn’t work too hard to plan one. SO, I need to get a road run in this morning. And I’m just having the hardest time motivating myself. Why do we do that? Why do we – as humans – struggle so much KNOWING what needs to be done yet being unable to do it? It’s like there’s a part of me that relishes my slovenly misery, and just can’t be motivated to pull myself out of it.

Spock died yesterday and I cried a lot because my Dad loved him and it just reminded me that I’ve really REALLY been missing my Dad a lot lately. Probably more since January than in the few years combined. I think I just felt his absence so greatly with my completely of Mountain Mist, it was just a journey I know he would have loved to hear about, and I think my heart has been just longing to see him on more time desperately since then. I don’t think I realized how much that maybe has been playing a part in my weeks and weeks of spiraling downward…until yesterday. I don’t think a celebrity death would have hit me that hard if it was not already connected to a sadness and a longing I hadn’t been really acknowledging. It’s been 6 years? Why would I acknowledge and intensity and a freshness to a grief that is 6 years old?

Have you had grief do that? Intensify out of the blue years away from the loss itself? Because, as of yesterday, I’m starting to think maybe I need to give that possibility more credit than I had before. I think there’s been an underlying resurgence of grief that I’ve not been coping with. I guess I’ve been ignoring it because it doesn’t seem possibly for the sadness of a 6-year old loss to suddenly get more intense, instead of fading like it’s supposed to do over time. But obviously, based on my weird reaction to Leonard Nimoy’s death, that’s what’s been bubbling under the surface for months.

So, I’m going to try to force myself out of the house for a run in a few hours when the sun comes up. I’m going to acknowledge that my grief over losing my Dad is experiencing a weird freshness and maybe I’ll try to deal with that a little instead of brushing it off. I just know that I keep trying to stop this spiral downward and pull myself up and – so far – nothing is helping. So today I’ll try the obvious things that have been in my face every day as a solution for weeks and I’ve been ignoring them. GO FOR A RUN, Dammit. And stop ignoring the sadness over losing your Dad. It doesn’t matter that it’s been 6 years…it’s okay to periodically feel the pain and grief fresh and new again. Even after this long.