The Burden of Words.

Some words carry a lot of weight and meaning that you don’t intend, so you end up qualifying them with More and More words and you find yourself thinking how did one simple statement get so complicated? Other times, the thing you want to say is SO VERY COMPLICATED AND WORDY, that you settle in on a simpler phrase that doesn’t really say what you need it to say, but suffices in minimal words.

That’s how I feel when I say, “I need to lose some weight.” I feel that phrase fits BOTH statements. Sometimes the words are not enough, and I feel like I need to add more explanation. But other times I choose them BECAUSE they don’t require the explanation is closer to the truth.

The FIRST thing I feel like those words imply is that I want to be thinner or lighter or skinnier. But that’s not the case. Not really anyway. That’s more of a by-product of losing weight, but that’s not the why. I don’t feel like I’m fat, or overweight, so losing weight is not about being skinnier. It’s just about…well…losing weight.

See? A lighter body is an easier body. I am currently about 15lbs over where I’ve been in the last year or so where I felt like my body was the easiest to control. The main area that affects me is running. The lighter you are, the less pressure you put on your joints when you run. The time in the past year or two where I’ve held around 15lbs lighter than I am now? Are the times where running felt the easiest on my body.

So…losing weight is about becoming a lighter body. So those words are exactly the truth, but I feel like they need more explanation.

HOWEVER, losing weight is actually just another by-product to the BIGGER problem I’m constantly trying to solve: Emotional Eating.

The truth is, my real goal is ALWAYS to have a healthy relationship with food. When I’m maintaining a healthy relationship with food? I settle in around that 15lbs lighter goal I mention above. So, when I’m thinking about weight and my body the real desire is to break my habit of emotional eating. To stop going to the kitchen and stressing out because nothing in there fits what I need to dull my anxiety or my sadness or my stress…so I run to Publix, buy a box of donuts, and eat them all in the parking lot.

But saying, “I need to quit my dependence on food to help me cope with my unpleasant emotions…” is such a burdensome and personal statement. It’s much easier to say, “I need to lose some weight.”

So, sometimes I choose those words because they don’t require more of an explanation, sometimes I avoid them because they require too much explanation.

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I’m a mere 10’ish pounds away from where I was in this picture. That’s significant because that’s less than I’ve put on in the last few months. I’m now closer to this girl than I am the girl that ran 52 miles last March. The problem is? I’m doing that same run again this March, so I’d really not to get any closer to her and get back to the body I was at the same race last year. The body I have right now? Will not survive 52 miles. I barely survived 31 this weekend. I think a lot of the new problems I had running this season is because I’m carrying more weight than last season. And I’d like rectify that.

But I’d also like to quit sneaking 6-packs of donuts into my belly while parked at a local Grocery Store. I’d like to NOT eat 15 bean burritos for lunch. I’d like to be able to fall asleep at night without that over-full feeling in my stomach.

So…I need to lose some weight. But it’s much more complicated than that. But it’s also just that simple. All at the same time.

I gave myself this week of trying not to think about it too much. I earned that. But today I’m kicking it into gear. I’m going to try meditation again for the 14th million time. It’s just one of those things that I feel like should help me if I would just stick with it. I’m going to try to quit cheating my plant-based lifestyle when I’m in need of the emotional salvation that donuts and chocolate chip cookies can bring me. I’m going to try to drink more water. I’m going to try to cope with my anxiety or my sadness in ways that don’t require digesting.

I’m down to one pair of jeans and one pair of ugly corduroys that still fit this body. I need to turn this train around before I’m restricted to all elastic-waist clothing indefinitely. My main goal of this running season is accomplished, but I have a 12-hour run in 5 weeks and a 3-day stage race in April and I’d like to enter those events with the same body I had at those same events last year.