After Wes was born we decided we probably wouldn’t have any more kids, definitely didn’t want anymore for awhile, but that we would wait to make a permanent decision until January 2011 which would be 9 months from when NikkiZ would start Kindergarten. We didn’t want more than two preschool kids at a time because at that time I was working full time and the idea of three kids in daycare made our wallets explode.
Well…we’re coming up on decision time. We have already made a decision of sorts in the last few months. We do want more kids. Living in that cramped house when I was working fulltime – the idea of another kid made me want to punch myself in the face. But now that life is a bit more manageable and our house has a bit more room, I really feel like I want more. But…do we start trying in January? I mean, let’s face it, if you’ve struggled at all with conceptions or pregnancy (like we have) then the only reason NOT to try is if at that moment you just couldn’t handle the idea of another kid. And right NOW? That’s the case. Sorta. We just really want NikkiZ to be in Kindergarten before we have anymore kids so we have to wait until January to reach that goal. But then…why wait? If our past history is any indication, and then the trend for my preproductive tracts to get in worse shape in the last few years, we should start trying as soon as we get out of that Three Kids At Home danger zone.
But…BUT…am I ready to get on the TTC train again? Before I dealt fibroids, endometriosis, and the annoying habit of miscarrying for no good reason. This time I get to add several ovarian cysts to the stockpile of Fun Stuff going on in my lady bits. (Totally the name of my next single, by the way.) So…the Trying To Conceive train may be even MORE fun than it was before. MORE FUN? Really? Can I handle more fun? I mean, sometimes it’s easy to “forget” the challenges when you see your successes every day. Two angel faces coloring on your walls and eating your moisturizers. But when I pause for a moment and look back? It comes flooding in and I think…Why would I want to do that again?
With Wes, we just stayed on the TTC path even after NikkiZ was born because we knew we wanted two and didn’t know how long it would take. We never stopped TTC. This time, willfully stepping back into the emotional heartbreak and anxiety after such a long and peaceful break? Seems so torturous. And masochistic. But, we’ll be doing it. We’ve decided. ONE MORE we keep telling our selves. We would love ONE MORE. Will we get it? Maybe. Will we kill ourselves emotionally and physically trying? No. We’ll probably be much more willing to accept defeat this time around. Too many failures, or too long without any successes, and we can easily throw in the towel. Because we are lucky and we know that. We left the battle long ago with our trophies in hand. We’ll go back in for awhile, but the stakes won’t be as high. The wounds won’t go as deep. It will be tough, but not AS tough. Because our gifts from the previous battles are here to distract us and both remind us why we’ll be trying again, but also why it will be okay to surrender if the pain gets to be too much.
What about you? Have you struggled with building your family? How did you resolve the desire of more children with the pain of the struggle to have them?