Okay guys – it’s time for everyone to gather around. I have a big project I have to discuss with you and I need your help. It will involve several opportunities for you to humiliate me – or watch me be humiliated. There’s your motivation to keep reading.
Okay. I’m getting arrested. By a real cop. With real handcuffs. And the only way to bail me out is to go here and donate money to the MDA. Do you see my goal? My goal is $2,600. That’s how much I have to raise to get me and my friend Stace out of jail. SERIOUSLY. You must help me!
I have no idea who nominated me (but if I find out – I’m totally kicking your ass) but it’s obviously someone who has much more faith in my fund raising skills than I have. The phone call went something like this, “Someone nominated you to be arrested – do you mind if we use handcuffs?” My first thought was: Only my husband is allowed to ask me that question. And then, do you know what they asked me next? If I had a preference for what type of cop comes to arrest me.
Now – does that sound like a fund raiser or a strip-o-gram?
The question isn’t as bizarre as it sounds. It’s more because they use real police officers and some women are uncomfortable being fake-arrested by men. But me? I’d prefer a man. A big, beefy, blond man to be exact. And yes. I like handcuffs. Thank you for asking.
So, someone nominated me to be arrested in about 5 weeks and I need to raise the money for my bail before the come get me. Can you help me out? It’s a great charity that helps so many needy children. The money goes to research, summer camps, and medical equipment. That should be enough, but just in case? I’m totally going to make it worth your while on my end as well. I promise. I’ve come up with several ways to motivate you.
Motivational Item Number ONE:
If you are a blogger and donate $20 and send me a copy of the confirmation email (email@example.com) along with your blog URL, I’ll dedicate a “Blogger Spotlight” entry where I’ll peruse your blog, find an entry I like, and I’ll write an entry about it. It’s not that exciting, I don’t have a dooce-level readership. But, what my readers lacks in numbers they totally make up for in awesomeness. (Dear MimiSmartypants, I’m sorry.) Hopefully this will be a win for all of us. I get new reading material, you get new readers, and my readers get new awesome blogs to read! And then – the money goes to a charity! It’s awesome times FOUR!
Motivational Item Number TWO: (The one my brother is totally going to take advantage of.)
If you have an task you would like me to complete for a donation, you must make your donation and then send the confirmation email to MrZ at this email (firstname.lastname@example.org) along with your request. Maybe you’re nice and just want me to sit on my ass and watch TV (if so, I hope you win!). Maybe you’re enterprising and you’re pimping your own product and want me to talk about it on my blog. Or maybe you’re totally EEEVIL and want me to mow my lawn in a cheer-leading outfit. Whatever it is – it must follow these rules:
- It must be LEGAL
- It must be physically possible
- It must be FREE
I’m not checking these emails because I may accidentally delete the really embarrassing ones.
Keep in mind: Just because you donate, doesn’t mean you’ll win. If you donate $100 and want me to ride my bike in my wedding dress to Target, but someone else donates $110 to see me dye my hair purple, you lose but the MDA still gets your money.
(P.S. MrZ joked he’d be willing to sacrifice some dignity for the cause, so if any of you would like him to be the subject of your humiliation, feel free to email me directly. He looks really cute in a plaid mini-skirt.)
Motivational Item Number THREE:
I have set aside TWO of my own particular brand of humiliating tasks to motivate us to get to the halfway mark and then to the final mark.
My Final Point: $2,600: I’ll go grocery shopping in my Prom Dress (yes, the one from the early 90s) and I’ll have LilZ videotape it and put it online. I have two dresses to choose from and I’ll even wear the side-pony-tail hairdo to go with the dresses in all of their satin and black velvet glory.
Double the Goal (to help Stace with her portion): $5,200: I’ll do Karaoke. At a bar. And I’ll try to be sober. And we’ll videotape it and put it on YouTube. I’m telling you – this is my biggest nightmare. I may have the world’s most awful singing voice but I’ll sing, and I’ll even let you all choose the song. I may even dance a little. And wear period-appropriate attire. To maximize the humiliation.
Motivational Item Number FOUR:
I think there is plenty here to help you feel inspired to donate to the MDA, but I don’t want you to feel like I’m not sacrificing anything (other than my dignity) as well. So, until I reach my goal – or until I get arrested (Sept 13th) – whichever is first, I’m giving up the following things:
- Diet Coke (I drink at least 6 cans a day, I’m addicted to the stuff.)
- Fast food (I eat at chic-fil-a as often as possible)
- Any meat (Hot wings, BBQ, and ribs are the meals of my dreams)
I think those are good sacrifices, don’t you? I ate hot wings three times last week! And I eat fast-food breakfasts several mornings a week. And Diet Coke…oh…going with Diet Coke is going to be the toughest of all. You remember how much I buy weekly, right?
This is a HUGE sacrifice.
So, what do you think…can you help me reach my goal? And I’m open to other suggestions as well for donations. If you want me to clean your house for a donation, I will! As long as you live in Huntsville and don’t mind if my method of cleaning is a little sub-par.
Come on…help a convict out. Please?