Top 5 Reasons I Should Be Have My “Grown Up” Card Revoked For Being a Moron

Keep in mind – all five things happened in the last few weeks. (This is part of a writing project mentioned here.)

  1. I was driving home the other day and I started to hear a strange rattling noise in my car. I got very freaked out, turned down the radio, and listened to the deep buzzing sound coming from my dash. Do I have a flat tire? Is there an animal trapped under my hood? Is my engine about to blow up? I suddenly realized it stopped. And then started again. And then stopped. Very rhythmic. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? And then I saw: My phone, on vibrate, sitting on the console.
  2. I preheated the oven to back chicken the other night. I walked away and came back several minutes later and the light was still on. I walked away and came back and the light was STILL on. I was all, “What the Hell” until I realized I had accidentally turned on the stove eye, not the oven. Duh. So I turned off the stove eye and walked away. I came back and saw the light off. I put the chicken in the oven, and set the timer. The timer went off so I got the chicken out of the oven. The chicken was still cold. I had never even turned the oven on. Not only that – but I never even noticed it wasn’t hot when I put the chicken in the oven.
  3. I freaked out because I thought my small purse camera had been stolen. (Although I admit – there was a small part of me that knew I’d done something stupid with it.) I called the hotel in Nashville, I went through every seem of every bag we took on the trip. I even look in NikkiZ’s toybox in case she took it and hid it. It was later found. In my running shoe. Where I then remembered putting it to protect it from getting bounced around.
  4. I tried to pay for my breakfast the other day with a gift card from the photo lab at Target. I was obviously not eating at the photo lab at Target. I was eating at Breugger’s. It doesn’t look anything like a Breugger’s gift card. No where close. I swiped it twice before I realized it, but not before I said, “I think your machine is broken. Can you swipe it on the register?”
  5. I tried to clean my bathroom mirror with my scenting spritzer from Bath and Body Works. This tells you two things: 1) I don’t spritz often and 2) I don’t clean my mirror often.
  6. 37 Comments

37 thoughts on “Top 5 Reasons I Should Be Have My “Grown Up” Card Revoked For Being a Moron”

  1. I’ve had times like that too. It’s like trying to find my sunglasses, when they’re still perched on top of my head. (Of course I finally realize it, and have to laugh.)

  2. Great list, Zoot! I love the swiping of the wrong card. Who can keep track of all the cards everyone has these days anyway!?

    I love Top 5’s. I hope I can find some time today to play too!

  3. Zoot, I’m not entirely sure that I ever got a “Grown Up” card.

    I had a similar issue with my car a few weeks ago. I was hearing this really loud, weird sound – like hairspray out of an aerosol can or something. I actually drove it to the auto shop, and the mechanic told me to do to try to reproduce the sound. Well, we drove around a bit, and sure enough, the sound started up again. At this point, the mechanic pushed the “up” button for the window, and the sound immediately stopped.

    Also, I have no idea what a stove eye is.

  4. I went on a trip over Easter. I had a new girl cut my hair before I left and she really goofed it up. I was really hating it and having hair issues. I realized after 2 days of using what I thought was my volumizer on my hair that I was actually spraying Downy Wrinkle Remover on my hair. They were both in unlabeled travel bottles and I grabbed the wrong one. Couldn’t figure out why my hair would not hold the style!!

    Yesterday I drove into a car dealership and drove up under a covered area right in front of the window inside the dealership. My sunroof was open and suddenly I heard a phone ringing coming from inside my car. It didn’t sound like my phone but I started looking in the passenger seat frantically. I looked at my husband who had walked up to the car by this time. I said Do you hear that? I don’t know what that is! He rolled his eyes said it was coming from the speaker overhead. It was the bell for the dealership that someone was on the lot. Because my sunroof was open it sounded like it was right inside the car with me!

  5. I have laughed at many Top Fives between yesterday and today… but man, this one takes the prize. I’m CRYING over here. I do stupid stuff like this all the time. The chicken story is my fave. Downy Wrinkle Remover gets an honorable mention as well. Oh dear lord… thanks for the laughs.

  6. Very funny list – you have a great writing style! Have you ever explored the idea that you might have ADD? Your list sounds like a bunch of “ADD Moments!”

  7. Fun reading – thanks for the laughs! I was recently at an airport and stopped to by a coffee before boarding the plane. At the gate, I sat down on the floor and cracked open my book and started sipping my coffee. When they started boarding the plane, I realized in a panice that I must have left my boarding pass back at the coffee stand! I sprinted all the way back up the concourse and asked the bewildered clerk if she had my boarding pass. Sadly she didn’t have it, and my panic was rising. (Last time I lost a boarding pass, the airline charged me a $100 “reprinting fee.) As I stood in front of the clerk swearing to myself out loud as though I had Turrets, I noticed a little white bit of cardstock sticking out of the back of my book… yep… I had the boarding pass with me the whole time and had stuck it in the back of my book when I started reading!

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