Listening to Friday Night 80s with my son a couple of weeks ago, and watching him shrink in agony with every new song that I got excited over (“Oh! Bon Jovi! He’s so Sexy!”), game me a brilliant idea. I want to make a Mix CD Titled “Embarrassing My Teenager At the Touch of a Button.” I’m going to sell it on the black market and I’ll retire in exactly 15 minutes.
See? There are two types of songs that come on the radio that my son cringes over:
I. Songs That Were Taboo When I Was A Kid And I Now Like To Listen To At Top Volume To Relive My Cruising Days.
Examples of these type of songs would be “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew. Or maybe “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot. Or the most embarassing of them all, Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing.” Mainly because of the line when the Mom walks in and says “Hey you two I was once like you and I liked to do the wild thing.” I mean – could the cringeworthy effect be stronger than hearing your mother sing that line? I think not. And I like to do it with a sassy finger-wag for the full effect.
II. Songs That Are Really Old and Cheesy But You Sing Them Like You Are Performing Them On Stage
Examples of these song would be anything by Jim Croce, Anne Murray, or James Taylor. One of my favorites is “Fire and Rain” which I sing really loudly because it totally was my break-up song when I was in high school and any time a boy broke my heart I felt the need to play that on repeat nineteen million times as part of the healing process. When it comes on the radio now, I sing it twice as loud and maybe 100 times more out of tune.
I think these CDs would be HITS. I honestly believe I could get my son to clean his room at 5am every morning before school if I promised him I wouldn’t ever sing “Blame it on the Rain” around his friends again. Or I could just about get him to commit to a lifetime of celibacy if I told him that I’d have “Pour Some Sugar On Me” blaring out of the car when I dropped him off at school as punishment if I ever caught him even thinking about dating. I mean – as it is now, there are songs that come on the radio that he immediately reaches for the off button if he has a friend within 5 miles of earshot. His biggest nightmare is having a girl in the car when “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” by Air Supply comes on the radio. Especially because my girlfriends and I made DANCE MOVES to that one in high school. And I can NOT sing that without the choreography. Seriously – I’ve heard him screaming in his sleep, “No, Mom! You don’t know the road to riches or the ways to fame!”
I’m telling you. I’m totally on to something. Do you have any suggestions for volumes of CD dedicated to humiliating our nation’s teens into submission?