Did you know I was a marriage counselor?

PREFACE: I hate to make generalizations about males and females, so I will discuss the following scenario in regards to MrZ and I (instead of all women and all men). In doing this – I am acknowledging that some men and women may NOT behave the way that we do – but I am betting most of them (you) do.

Okie Dokie. Here’s the thing. There are a LOT of times I bitch about stuff (I know!). A. LOT. OF. TIMES. Some days? I’m in perma-bitch mode. Those days are fun, trust me. When I do this in front of MrZ – I intend for him to back me up. I want him to commiserate with me over the injustice that has befallen me. BITCH WITH ME – is the shortcut. The purpose of my using him as an outlet.

EXAMPLE:
“That cashier sure acted snotty when I requested she bag the kitty litter – the skank! Pardon me for not wanting the kitty litter to spill in my trunk. Bitch.”

WHAT HE SHOULD SAY:
“That bitch! You’d think she WANTED you to tear the bag before you got home! Good thing you’re skinnier than her.”

Unfortunately – this is not the way it goes. For some reason MrZ sees me bitching or complaining as a request for an EXPLANATION of something. Like, when I bitch – I really am asking “Why?” in which case, he needs to tell me the answer. He sees poor little me not understanding the world and why things happen the way they do and I need him to spell it out for me.

WHAT MRS SAYS INSTEAD:
“Well, I bet they get instructed to use as few bags as possible so that they don’t waste any company money. Blah Blah policy Blah Blah whatever.”

WTF?

Here’s the trick. Nine times out of ten, if I want to know “Why?” I’ll ask “Why?” I’ll say, “Hey ever-so-brilliant husband of mine, why do you think she acted like a royal bitch when I asked for a new bag?” If I don’t specifically ask, “Why?” then I probably don’t give two flying shits. Or floating shits. Or walking shits. I don’t give ANY shits.

More often than not, I am just bitching to keep from beating someone senseless. Either I bitch about it – or I punch someone. It’s that easy. Maybe I would break something instead, but either way – it’s either bitch, or destroy. Something irks me and angers me and I don’t know what else to do that gripe about it. Logic is not applied in these situations, if anything is applied? It’s probably irritation. Or annoyance. And many times: RAGE. Do not bring logic into where rage is in charge. It’s only hurts the children.

As a general rule, if you feel yourself about to explain a situation I’m bitching about? STOP. If you don’t know how else to respond? The default setting should be, “THAT BITCH!” That response works well for the majority of what I will bitch about. Or maybe “Filthy Whore!” if you’re feeling really sympathetic. Has a blog commenter pissed me off? “WHAT A BITCH!” Did the local TV station pre-empt Ellen for a stupid tornado warning? You can pluralize it to, “THOSE WHORES!” You can even toss in some extra adjectives if you’re feeling brave “THOSE DAMN STINKY BITCHES!” Be creative.

Another pointer? Always point out how I’m better than the people I’m bitching about. “That Whore! You’re so much smarter than her.” or “Those Bitches. They’re just jealous they’re not as funny as you are.”

Do you see how easy it is?

But do NOT justify the actions of the people that I feel have wronged me. Chances are that later, when I simmer down, I won’t really be mad anymore, as long as I get the bitching out early. Bitch with me – and then watch the irritation fade magically away. Whereas if you try to justify the actions or explain their behavior? My irritation towards the jackass who just cut me off will probably morph into irritation towards YOU. And do you know what that means? No sex. So – for a simple translation: Call whoever I’m bitching about a Filthy Snotty Whore? And you’ll get laid. EASY AS PIE.

It’s not logical, I know. But what about me has EVER been logical? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Don’t have an answer for that one, do you? HUGS!