The Rules until my Swimmer’s Ear Heals
(Or until the DRUGS kick in, but the rules are re-instated as each dose wears off)
1. No showing off in front of your friends with your piece of shit car.
Since when did all the white-trash, rednecks move into my apartment complex? Yo. Shit-For-Brains! Yeah YOU in the damn Green Camaro with all the rust. Peeling out in the parking lot does not impress your friends NEAR as much as me killing you with my bare hands will. Squeal your tires or rev your engine one more DAMN time and I’ll show you – Jerkwad Asshat.
2. Do NOT put LilZ’s cargo shorts with the nine-million snaps on them in the dryer
Does a nine-yr-old need 20 damn pockets? Hell no he doesnt. Then why put them on the shorts? Drape those damn things over the shower curtain – they can drip dry – QUIETLY.
3. Do not run the dishwasher
My dishwasher rattles every dish inside, and my dishes are NOT made out of cotton, so they rattle LOUDLY. And I never noticed it before – but it takes at least 9 freakin’ hours for my dishwasher to finish running. At least. Possibly 12 hours.
4. Do not let the telephone ring more than once
Answer it already – Christ! And no, I am not answering it because talking requires opening my jaw more than two centimeters, and that is NOT happening.
5. All cats will only kick ONCE to cover up their potty in the litter box
Come ON Bambi, you’re life does not depend on how covered up your piss is. As a matter of fact? Your life depends on whether or not you QUIT IT. Now.
6. There will be no more knocking. Period.
LilZoot – tell you friends to start using ESP if they need you because I do not want to hear another effin’ knock at the effin’ door. And if they call instead? They will learn the meaning of “disembowel”. Yeah – why don’t you just sit on the stoop until they all go to bed.
7. Only Tip Toe-ing is allowed when going up and down the stairs
My son must weigh at least 300 pounds for him to be making all that freakin’ noise going from upstairs to downstairs. Gently LilZoot. Please walk GENTLY. If you do not? You will be restricted to ONE level: Upstairs or Down.
8. No more eating of loud things
Crunching. Oh sweet Jesus make them quit eating potato chips. And popcorn. And crackers. And bread. Just make them quit eating. Only drinking allowed – and if any one person slurps? EVERYONE’s drinking priveledges will be revoked.
9. No Happiness allowed, dammit
Laughing. Oh the Laughing. MrZoot, I love you dearly but I think your life would be in less jeopardy if you would consider watching nothing but sad things for the next 4-8 days. Your laugh that I found so endearing for the last 4 years? Makes me kinda want to strangle you now.
10. No Typing
Unless its ME – writing a blog entry about how much life sucks with a severe case of swimmer’s ear that is actually STILL getting worse even AFTER I got antibiotics. You can actually SEE my swollen lymph node now, and the pain has spread through my entire ear. I have decided I WILL take the pain pills while at work. I dont drive a damn forklift for chrissakes, I sit behind a computer all day- what harm could it do for me to be a little more loopy than usual?
A lot less friggin’ harm than it would do if I have to listen to all the damn MOUSE-CLICKING in this damn office UNMEDICATED.