‘A’ thru Zoot.

Admiring amalah for her cool idea to do this and Lauren for her ability to create one herself the same day. Its taken me over a WEEK. Damn letter “G”

Blaming my mood on the fuckin’ weather. I need the sun. Please?

Crying over Joan of Arcadia. Every. Single. Friday.

Daydreaming about having a baby.

Erasing the “Excited about…” entry just here so that I can use it for “X”

Freaking out over my son demonstrating his mother’s tendency to lose EVERYTHING

Giving up thinking of something witty and original for “G”. “G” sucks

Happy because I came up with something for “G”

Insane for the new Japanese Restaurant we discovered. It’s not just the food, its the EXPERIENCE.

Joking about my caffeine addiction. Although my kidneys do NOT find it funny.

Kissing my dogs, cats, son and husband withOUT rinsing between.

Laughing over skipping “L” the first time. Man, I crack my alphabetical skills UP.

Mistaken for Jodie Foster dozens of times (I dont understand either…) and Kate Hudson once, in a wedding photo, but I’ll savor the compliment until the day I die. And Longer.

Need a mat to put under our new Eliptical Trainer.

Out of aluminum foil. How do I protect myself from the commucations of E.T.s now?

Praying for SUNSHINE

Quoting ALL of the TWOP Recappers whenever I’m discussing T.V. And trying to remember NOT to claim the wit as my own…

Reading funny chics all OVER the web. Check the sidebar

Saving for a house.

Trying to teach myself all about Style Sheets and Templates. I’m failing miserably.

Understanding why it took me over a week to finish this list. Its freakin’ impossible.

Voted “Most Dependable” as a senior in high school and “Most Changed” at my 10 year reunion this year. Does that mean I am no longer dependable…

Went to Catholic schools for 12 years. 12. Years. Seriously.

Xcited about seeing Keifer and Angelina on screen together, even if the movie sucks ass.

Yearning for 4pm so I can go warm up thanks to the 40 below weather INSIDE my office

Zoning out wondering how I was able to come up with “Z” easier than “G”.

Sweet 16

Ode to Blue Satin and Side PonytailsJuly 14, 1991. I woke up early that morning. Who wouldnt? It was my 16th birthday. I was going to get my driver’s license, and then I had a date with the love of my life. He was tall, dark, and handsome, and I loved him dearly. (He and I pictured LEFT, he removed so he never has to be associated with anyone wearing blue satin. Poor guy.) Life was grand. We had been together 9 months, which was the longest I had ever dated anyone. For Christmas, he had given me an ID bracelet with my name engraved, and “Love, HIS NAME” on the back. I knew this birthday would rock b/c he had already shown himself to be a romantic gift-giver. I dreamed about the upcoming date for weeks. I have always been a hopeless romantic, so I was planning for something big.

So – I go to take my driver’s test. I failed. Seriously. And it SUCKED.

So what did I do? I could NOT tell the boyfiend I idolized that I had failed. So, I did what I always did when crisis loomed, I lied. I told him the line was too long and Dad didnt want to wait. It really didnt matter too much b/c Dad wasnt going to let me drive the first night I had my license anyway.

So, his Mom – who I loved – took us to our date. We saw a movie and ate dinner. I dont remember much of either because of what happened after. I basically deleted all else from that night as important enough to store on my mental hard drive.

We get in his Mom’s van after dinner, and he gives me a gift. I dont even think it had been wrapped. It was a Moonie. Okay – here is your description. It was a Fat Man Doll that had suction cups on his back side. That description right there is probably enough for you to feel my pain. But, the fat-suction-cup-man has a PURPOSE. You stick him to the interior car window. It comes with one of those squeeze pumps like a blood-pressure cuff. You squeeze the pump. He pulls his pants down and MOONS the neighboring cars.

Now. If that did NOT fill my sweet 16 fantasy, what could?

I actually dug through the box later at home to make sure he hadnt hidden a heart locket or something in there.

You know what was worse than GETTING the Moonie?

1) Having to tell my friends – who were all dying to know what he got me for my 16th bday b/c we were giggly teenagers and I was the only one with a “long term boyfriend”. I mean – they were waiting for me to call when I got home, the anticipation was that great.

2) Having to make it sound like it was EXACTLY what I wanted b/c I didnt want them to know I was disappointed. Do you know how hard it is to muster up excitement over a damn Moonie???

All of THAT on top of the fact that I did NOT have my driver’s license.

Yeah – he dumped me a week or so later. I knew that was coming. I knew that non-relationship inspired gift represented something grander, but I loved him. I harbored STRONG feelings for him all through high school. We stayed friends because we still were both struggling with some of the same problems. He was my first true love and my first true heart break. I think I still have the cards/gifts etc in a box at my Dad’s.

So – as you see, the story – in retrospect, is pretty freakin’ hilarious. How else would I have kept my brother’s girlfriends entertained over the years. He’ll prob even make me tell that story to his KIDS someday.

I saw that boyfriend at a club in Knoxville several years ago. It was after my ex-husband and I split, but before I met Donnie. He kissed my hand. He was going back to Montana to study geology, or something like that. I was severely flustered. A girl really needs preparation before running into her first heartbreak. I wish I had been dressed cuter.

I should have told him “Thank You” that night for all he did for me in terms of coping with personal issues. I should have told him I often think about his Mom and how strong she was. Or maybe, I should have simply DEMANDED a new sweet 16 gift, right then and there. Or at least demanded he buy me a drink. Alas – I demanded nothing because I was paying my tab when I saw him, I was leaving, and flustered. But he kissed my hand, which completely boosted my ego as a woman recently divorced.

I think that makes up for the Moonie.

What Makes Me BITCH. A LOT.

  • Being out of Diet Coke
  • Deciding to screw the diet, but having nothing worth binging on, resulting in a binge of frosted mini-wheats or flavored oatmeal. Its one thing to forsake the diet for chocolate cake or McDonalds french fries, but apple cinamon oatmeal? that just doesnt make it all worth it.
  • When Target is out of their generic bags of frozen boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Considering how Mr. Zoot eats AT LEAST 2 chicken breasts a day, sometimes 4, that is a BIG DEAL to have to buy Tyson.
  • “Correcting” my opinion. I mean, seriously – its subjective, I can not be wrong. I think Jennifer Love Hewitt is plain, I’m sorry if that bothers you, but I am NOT wrong.
  • Snoring Dogs.
  • Cats scratching furniture or stairs when they have a PERFECTLY functional scratching post.
  • Being out of fat free hazelnut creamer
  • Not having sweet-n-low for me to put in my coffee
  • South-haters who have never lived in the South.
  • Pretentious t.v. watchers. Just because you hate reality t.v. doesnt mean you are more academic than I am.
  • Being out of ibuprofen when my uterus decides its the time of the month to wage war on my body.
  • insulting my dogs, my cats, or anyone in my family for that matter. And yes, I DO know that I insult them all them time, but that is different.
  • people who dont let their children read Harry Potter. I dont think it makes them bad parents, but I love Harry Potter with all my heart. I want your kids to love him too.
  • telling me how it drives you crazy that i dont use correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling in my emails to you. i’m lazy – get over it.
  • When my dogs get more than one toy at a time out of their toy baskets. What? I dont pick up after the child I birthed, why should I have to pick up after my pets?
  • when you call me for no reason.
  • Being cold.
  • Being bloated.

Mr.Zoot Achieves Greatness

As a child, I was prone to VERY severe headaches. I realized as an adult that they were migraines. My father did not take us to the doctor every time we were slightly short of par, physically like parents do today – so no one ever prescribed anything or told me migraine triggers. Therefore – I was left to deal with the vice grip on my skull without the use of modern medicine.

Well, the best remedy was my fathers head rubs. Its funny, my mom even talks about his head rubs being the things she missed the most after they split up. So – it wasnt just me – he cured mom’s sinus headaches as well. When he was unable to administer said head rubs – I would wrap my hair around my bed posts and pull in order to try to relieve the pain. THAT is how severe they were.

I’ve come to realize two things about those headrubs as an adult.

#1 – I dont know how my dad would do it for hours until I would fall asleep. When LilZoot gets headaches, I try the patented Papa Zoot head rub, to no avail. The technique, I execute fine, but my FINGERS. Oh my sweet Jesus! After 5 minutes my fingers cramp so bad I’m in tears and need medication for MY pain. That man – my father – is not made of the same stuff the rest of us are – I tell you that.

#2 – no man has ever come CLOSE to relieving my headaches with a head rub. No where close. So, I’ve befriended Advil, and most headaches fade after a few of those little orange pills.

I couldnt take any Advil last night because my stomach was uneasy. This is often the case. However, I do still get headaches periodically, so I just whine and moan and cry until they go away. My husband and son LOVE that. Well, last night, as I was in bed about to fall asleep, a headache hit. I started whining IMMEDIATELY.

Zoot – My HHHEEEEAAAAYYYYAAADDDD hhhuurrrrttttss.

Mr. Zoot – I’m sorry baby, is there anything I can do?
(This is the typical song and dance for us)

Zoot – NNNNoooo, all I want is to go to sleeepppp because I’m so ttttiiiiirrrrreeeeeddd. Whine Whine Whine. Moan Moan Moan.

Then – Mr. Zoot started rubbing my head in an “I’m getting rid of that headache if its the LAST thing I do” kind of frenzy. I swear – it was like I heard angels singing as the vice grip loosened from my skull with the magic touch of his strong fingers. It was like an out of body experience it was so wonderful. He made my headache go away. With his hands! I truly did marry the right man!

So – I think I may get another headache tonight…